My wife told me she wants to put a cross over the toilet.
I said, holy shit, that's a great idea!
I saw a magistrate reading a novel, so I grabbed it and put it over his face.
He got very angry!!!
You shouldn't cover a judge by his book.
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said “ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said
We took Grandpa sledging the other day and he caught a terrible cold. Grandma put goosefat all over his chest.
He went downhill pretty quick after that.
My brother has a pilot's licence but only for private flights. So, he put ads all over his plane.
I put pasteboard over my neighbor's windows.
He said he wanted to get a paper view tonight... hope that helps!
I’ve put on 40 pounds over the holidays
For the first time in my life I’m not skinny. For those of you who have held out this long for a fat joke, the weight is finally over.
Did you hear the supermarket took its entire breakfast aisle, put it on a truck, and started giving items out all over town?
They call it the Universal Cereal Bus.
Me: What's the name of the dessert where you put an espresso over ice cream?
Colleague: Affogato
Me: Yeah I forgot too, I'm sure there's a name for it...
Company came over and we had nothing in the house, so my wife wanted to put out my gourmet cheeses. I refused but she said I had to be a good host
The ultimate dadjoke. My toddlers believe that on 3 king’s day (along with bringing gifts) the camels severely screw up our home. I put muddy hoof prints throughout, upend the plants, knock over the tree, tear apart fruit, etc.
This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.
Photos here:
https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3
Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!
A woman falls into a well. Her husband immediately puts a cover over it.
Well that got dark quickly
4 year old daughter came over to me with her shoes in her hands and said "Daddy, can you put these on?..."
Like any good dad, I said "Of course I can sweety" before stuffing my toes into them.
After she said "NOOOOOOO DAAAAAADDY! On my feet!" I said "well why didn't you say so in the first place?"
[Helped her stuff her feet in]
"Daddy" she asked, "Can you pull on the tongue?"
......ike dthis?
What did baby Bruce Wayne's mommy put over his crib?
A mathematician sold me an end table, which I put in my living room. When I came in the next day, there were over a dozen of them!
Turns out it was a multiplication table.
As a very fat man I took my kids horseback riding. I placed my youngest on a small horse and it huffed a bit. I put my oldest on a medium horse and it huffed a bit. I walked over to a rather large horse and tried to get up on it. His eyes got big...
And he went "Neigh! Neigh!"
My wife accidentally put over $200 of cash through the washer and dryer, her uncle couldn't help himself.
https://imgur.com/a/QDA0hRE
I put my coke can next to my computer before picking up a phone call from your mom. I knocked it over.
I guess you could say that was poor product placement.
My dad ran over a cat one day. I suggested he scrape it off the road and put it's rear on the wall.
Because it was his Cat-Ass-Trophy
The beam over the stairs in my house is a bit low, so I put up an appropriate warning sign. [yes, I'm a dad]
There was a big competition over who could put on their shoes the fastest.
It's hard to put into words how much this subreddit has meant to me over the past few months.
So I won't. I'll probably go take a nap.
We were pulling a trailer and it looked like rain. He put a tarp over our cargo, and...
Husband: "I really hope that tarp stays attached. I'm kinda worried because it's frayed."
Me: "What's it 'fraid of?"
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