My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to get a running start but I made it!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BackwardsMannn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.

Guess that's my New Year's Resolution

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AqViolet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Unbelievable...Just been to the chemist, asked the lady if she had something to clear up diarrhoea...

She gave me a mop.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."

"I'm breathing underwater."

I've never been prouder.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didn’t laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...

It must have been the delivery...

πŸ‘︎ 204
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other β€œDang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYa, I’m positive.”

πŸ‘︎ 176
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LOLMrTeacherMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't think the coast is clear just yet
πŸ‘︎ 680
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsureyoudo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The makers of these limes clearly watch CNN
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manford5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a mom who is very clear about wanting to change her gender?

Trans-parent

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mumpledump69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
In the future, historians will call 2020 the Hindsight year because we have clearly seen it all
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JokerJangles123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.

Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
People who aren't impressed by pictures of a Black Hole clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sur5er
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Just so everybody's clear.....

I'm going to put my glasses on

πŸ‘︎ 148
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
At Bob's retirement party the Director stands up and says "I'd just like to say a word about Bob", clears his throat and then says, "plethora",

Bob turns to him and says, "thank you, that means a lot".

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nomadic187187
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The choice is clear!
πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/originalripley
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I really hope this whole COVID-19 thing gets cleared up before tick season

Because then we’d have corona with Lyme

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sw24rexx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

πŸ‘︎ 991
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The World Health Organizatuon has discovered that Coronavirus cannot be transmitted between dogs and humans. They have released all quarantined dogs.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

πŸ‘︎ 295
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Many years ago there was a vicious viking named RΓΌdoff.

RΓΌdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "RΓΌdoff det rΓΈde", meaning "the red".

After years of wars, and regular battles, RΓΌdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.

One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but RΓΌdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars

"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast. She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.

He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:

RΓΌdoff The Red knows rain, dear.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap

The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MSchmahl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy

The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts

πŸ‘︎ 93
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjaxson1111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s clear now
πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wickedlysane
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Steer clear from the beer
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/devallar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
happy crystal clear new year
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/patrickpang
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call clearing out your Steam backlog while in quarantine?

A full plaguethrough

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/d3athandr3birth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a job clearing litter off the highways...

but I got laid off, even though the work was picking up.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Ever since my son told me he wanted a sex change they’ve stopped acknowledging me

I guess now I’m transparent

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/psykotic24
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Whenever I find a difficult level on a game I give up and go search for a walkthrough in order to clear it.

I really should get past this phase.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FramDzi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is at her deceased father's funeral.

The man sitting next to her asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "Absolutely", she responds. So the man walks up to the podium and clears his throat. "Plethora" he says. Then he comes and sits back down. "Thank you", the woman says. "That means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: "Can you clear the table."

I had to get a running start, but I managed it.

πŸ‘︎ 105
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080p

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/franz-hanz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
So one day, my wife asked me to clear the table...

I needed a running start, but I did it.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ba71905
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
At a rest stop, the other day, a cop asked me why I was stroking the ground....

β€œOfficer, the sign clearly says to β€˜pet area.’”

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080p

πŸ‘︎ 171
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Just so everybody's clear,

I'm going to put my glasses on.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cancervixen831
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Just so everyone is clear

I’m going to put my glasses on

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cormac-Dockry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw my neighbor talking to her cat this morning...

It was clear she thought the cat understood her.

I came inside and told my dog. We had a good laugh about that.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/winkelschleifer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080 Pee

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mckraken01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you go to the toilet and pass crystal clear urine?

1080 pee.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aldo712
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call crystal-clear urine?

1080P

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rkcorinth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report

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