Shelve Puns

There was literally nothing Dubai.

I thought "How dairy!"

They were there before it was cool.

"Watch out for yourshelf."

Aisle weight.

He says he wants to make America grate again.

I was stranded in a deserted aisle...

He replied, “nope, just looking”

Because they use the Dewey decimal system.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction...

I was feeling a little shelf-conscious.

Father-in-law: Check out the cantilever shelves we're working on.

Me: Nice! Those remind me of your daughter.

Mother-in-law: What!? Why?

Me: Well, now that we're married, I can't-a-leave-her.

Wife: Please don't laugh at that...

...can I borrow your stud finder?"

My coworker hollered "uh oh!"

I responded with a boisterous "YAM IT!"

I guess I only have my shelve to blame!

The librarian said, "Yes, all of them!"

Now I'm annoyed at my shelf.

And while I was working a nice old lady came to my til. I scanned through all her items and it came to £56.83, but after counting up all her change she had just shy of £40.

So I offered to help her, to which she refused but I eagerly insisted. I thought this is probably someone’s Nan, and I’d like to think someone would help my Nan in the same situation.

So after no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves!

Under their covers.

Maybe if you were choppeded into smaller pieces.

I guess you could say the library was fully booked

In our cooler and the cooling unit has a pipe running through the current shelves. So my boss and I are kinda weighing the pros and cons of taking this shelf out. We determined that it wasn't going to be easy but ultimately worth it. She says, "we're going to need a jigsaw to get this thing out of here." And I reply with "hmm, I don't really know how a puzzle is going to help in this situation."

He says, "I cant use that stud finder. it goes off every time I go near it."

He couldn't be the only dad to ever use this one.

It just flies off the shelves...

Manager says "Take that off, you're going to rip it."

I respond: "Well if I do it will be on my head."

Pleased to say it is flying Off the shelves

My merchandise was flying off the shelves!

...they always fly off the shelves!

they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.

I didn't even mean to make a dad joke, apparently after seven years of being a dad, it just starts to happen.

I was installing some shelves up on the walls over my computer desk. Having just finished marking the walls where I was going to insert the screws, I was now installing the brackets onto the boards.

From behind me, I heard my wife say, "How's it going?"

Me: "Well, it's shellfish."

Wife: "It's what?"

Me: "Shellfish. I'm still putting the mounting brackets on, so it's not a shelf yet. It's shelf-ish. Shellfish."

At least my daughter thought it was funny.

They've been on shelves for quite a while now, you probably just never never noticed.

They're hard to spot.

He will do three things. Guaranteed.

1. Pick up a bottle of milk and shake it, asking if we want milkshake.

2. Go up to a young teenager stacking shelves and ask for whatever they're currently restocking on the shelves and watch as they scratch their heads and look around only to hold out the item with a dumb look on their face (which surprisingly happens almost every time)

3. Will get a bottle of water from the shelf and hold it high with one hand and drop it, catch it with his other hand then say "did you see that?! It was a beautiful waterfall!!!"

Obviously a hearty dad-chuckle follows each of these actions.

Coworker was cutting slots into foam for different tools in the toolbox shelves. He was almost done when he realized he forgot the tape measure. When he went to find a place for it, he said it looks like it would be a tight fit. I looked at him and said "looks like you need to remeasure".

Then one of the loaves falls off and hits my boss. Me: "Sorry. That was an attack with a breadly weapon."

I work in a grocery store. My boss was stocking some shelves near me with drinks. He looks over to me and says "Do you know what state has the smallest beverages?"

I naively respond with "no".

"Mini soda."

There's van shelving inside.

At Lowe's volunteering my truck to move some lumber that a friend is using to make his girlfriend shelves. He and I are standing with the boards, distracting her kids while she settles up at the counter. Among the continuous babble from her youngest was "I'm thirsty." Simultaneously from three directions around him, my friend and I and a passing Lowe's employee:

"Hi thirsty, I'm Mike!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Dave!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Neil!"

We all shared a moment while mom shot us the most exhausted and disappointed look I've ever seen.

I was stocking the shelves of the store, when a customers asked if we carry a certain brand of protein powder. I informed him we do not and he asked to see my boss who he complained to, afterwards my boss handed me the customer complaint form he'd filled out which read "Customer very upset that he didn't get his whey"

So I work retail and I was restocking shelves on a hardware isle with tools, doohickeys, and thingies. He was walking and talking with a new boss (training him and such) when they stopped at my isle. They didn't really notice me so it was perfect.

I picked up a stud finder and hit 'em with a classic!

"Hey guys check it out! It's a stud finder" Runs it over chest "Beep beep beep. Oh hey it's working!"

My boss had a few chuckles and the other guy said something about it being stupid but smiled anyways. Me? I was laughing my ass off.

Today at the local toys'r'us with my SO and the kids. We approach two teenagers restocking the shelves from a pallet full of cardboard boxes. I hear one of them ask the other if she has seen the knife. The other says no, an I notice they're searching for it. As we pass i ask if "they're looking for one of them retractable knifes?"

Her: "Yes"

Me: "I think i saw a kid running around with it over there" *points with thumb over my shoulder

Her:...-...! *face turns white

My SO: I'm sorry he's joking. Arrrg! 2rgeir can't I take you anywhere?

Me: *snickering

I work at a large retail bookstore, and my job is basically just to wander around and help people find what they're looking for. Yesterday I spotted an older gentleman looking lost, so I asked him if he needed help finding anything.

"Yeah, the new Dr. Seuss one, whatever it is."

So I led him to the kid's section where we have a whole display for What Pet Should I Get.

"This one's been really popular, as you can guess," I said as I grabbed one off the display for him. As I did so, a few of the books behind it toppled off the display and onto the ground.

"Yeah," he said, "I can see they're just flying off the shelves."

I laughed for a few minutes and he left with his book and the look of satisfaction that only comes from a top-tier dad joke.

Edit: Oops. Put 'today' in the title but it rly happened yesterday. Sorry! :x

Basically people ring in and complain about certain items they bought. This one guy rang in and was ranting about how disgusting his bananas were. The conversation went like this...

Him: Yea this is ridiculous, if I had've known when I bought them that they were this disgusting I'd never have got them at all

Me: Why, what exactly is wrong with them?

Him: They all black, and bruised. They look like they've been sitting on the shelves a while. They're horrible , they're just very...(3 second pause trying to think of the word to say)...very....

Me: Unapeeling?

Him: ... groan

Me: Sir?..

Call ended

So I happen to be grocery shopping along with my dad in a Target store. Not much to pick up but two of the items we needed were thyme and milk. They happen to be within a few feet of each other in the same cooled location. We both see the thyme first, but I am the one who happens to grab it. I reach for the first one in a long line of cases of thyme and something must have happened where it was too tightly loaded in the spring rack so that when I grabbed the one, the spring shot and about five more flung out, some landing on the floor, some breaking open on the shelves. I see the mess made and, admittedly selfishly, said "Not my problem" and walked over the get the milk (2% organic for context). I grab the milk and walk back over to see my dad picking up the mess. I walk closer. I look at him, he looks at me and he ignites the funny bomb that was rummaging through his brain for the last 20 second waiting for me to arrive:

"Well, now you know how thyme flies."

It's flying off the shelves.