I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Looking for a sailing/ nautical punch pub
I’m looking for a punny Nautical pun for a punch I am serving.
Thank you in advance for any ideas
The final question in our pub quiz last night was ‘name the indigenous people who are often referred to as Eskimo’. I’m so disappointed I got it wrong especially as....
It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
There were a few irish friends in a pub and one of them was telling a joke about cows but no one laughed.
He should have told a udder joke
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
"I need a bar built in my garden," I told my friend in the pub. "But I don't know who to ask."
"Well," he replied, "I'll do it if you pay me £400."
So I gave him £400, and he said, "Right, I'll start asking around."
It’s a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and it’s a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
Broken pub quiz machine for sale. . .
Pub is a magical place
In a pub will one man start to scream on other man : "hey dude i fucked your Mother"
Whole pub get silent and waits for reaction of the other man, but he is silent
Man screams again : "Hey! I fucked your Mother"
The other man is still in silent...
The man screams again even more loud: " Do you hear me you idiot? I fucked your Mother"
The second man finally answer with calm voice
"Please dad, go home, you are too drunk"
A nose walks into the pub....
The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're off your face."
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
My friend announced that he parkoured his way to the top of a pub, but nobody cared.
After all, it was a low bar to climb.
Dad stumbles out of the pub and spies a Nun waiting for a bus over the road..
Somehow he manages to weave through traffic and lands a punch so hard the nun hits the deck spitting teeth.
"HAH!!" shouts Dad.. "NOT SO TOUGH AFTER-ALL EH, BATMAN??!!!!"
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
A penguin walks in to a pub and said have you seen my brother?
The barman said, what does he look like?
I own a steakhouse pub in which the counter can actually pop in and out of the floor
Let's say I raised the bar and set the steaks.
I asked a guy in a pub if he wanted a game of darts. He said “OK, nearest the bull starts”. ...
He went “Baaa”
I went “Moooo”
He said ok you start.
“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
What do you call a pub that’s famous for its murders?
Apparently a bunch of comedians are making their own beer at the local pub.
I don't know, sounds like a big brewhaha to me.
My local pub has put a dartboard on the ceiling
Makes me want to throw up!
An irishman walked past a pub..
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
My best friend couldn’t come out to the pub with me tonight so his identical twin came instead.
What does a Scottish man say when someone steals his drink at the pub?
“Oi! Where’d me Glasgow?”
Two Guys Walk Into A Pub
They sit down at the bar and order some drinks after a couple of rounds of drinking the older man yells to the other “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” everyone in the pub watches the younger guy, worried for the older man. The older man repeats “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” . The younger guy says “Go home Dad your drunk.”
I ordered rabbit stew at the pub the other day...
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away.
I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
I was in the pub having a drink when a girl came up to me and said she can show me a good time. So I followed her out the back where she took off her top...
...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds
The local pub stepped up there pun game
Just walked into a pub full of chiropractors
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
A Government think tank have carried out a survey looking into how people walk home from the pub...
The results are staggering.
A skeleton walked into a pub...
... and asked for a pint of beer and a mop.
I bumped into my very short mate Peter down the pub. He told a few hilarious stories about the flatbread factory he works in.
I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub...
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Its a 5 minute walk from my home to the pub
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my home.
The difference is staggering.
It’s a 5 Minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 Minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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