Promising Puns

I guess you can say I butchered my grades.

For the next ten years, I'll be paying off my student loins.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

The plumber told me.

Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey

I haven't touched a job since.

So from today I'm detergent to be better.

I de-liver

“Good” he said, “because I’m counting on you”.

It's tomorrow!

"Me too! I have my fingers crossed!"

Waiter: hi what can i get you? Dad: ill have the rabbit stew Waiter: only if you promise not to say"theres a hare in my soup" Dad: ill have the chicken then

He said they're all confidental

I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.

So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word “legendary” is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, “No, legendary means super famous milk.” Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!

She’s dead and berried.

Now she's just waffling.

or else I'ma start singing "WHO LENT THE DOG ZOUT"

(Alright I think these are out of my system... no promises)

It was the very first pyramid scheme.

I have contacts.

I pre-tended.

She said, 'Are you having me on?'

I said, 'I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything.'

So I went home for the hollandaise

Kept on insisting that I had promised to build him a treehouse but I don't remember evergreening this elm of a contract. Though he kept inisisting I had birch the agreement due to the long delay but my attempt to confern the fertility of the spruce was in roots. Now I have to oak up and face the spruce. My weekend has been soiled and I now have to maple my son's treehouse whilst I willow my day away. Although... Now that I twig about it, having a treehouse in my yard sounds like a pine idea.

Him: No, I told you I’ll be home by a quarter of twelve.

But I promise I will never take you for Granite again

She looked lovingly at me, eyes welling with tears as I continued, "And today is the day!"

He was a bald faced liar.

Limestone! This was made up in the car by my 8 year old son as we were driving home from our Fathers Day outing. Promised I'd share it.

When they go low, we get high.

For my highschool, Prom is this weekend. A group of friends asked the guy behind me in class wether or not he was going. He said no. He then said...

"I promise to go next year"

Then I turned around and said...

"Oh. You... PROM-ise to go next year?"

He said yeah then went back to work. 5 seconds later he slowly looked up at me with the "really?" Expression.

Worth it.

So I brought her a mole hill and made a really big deal out of it.

It's been three years since then, and I have no idea where he is

It means nothing if you don’t make the word count

Dont believe me? Just watch.

Moses says, "NO WAY!" But God said, "YAHWEH!"

Touch wood.

Remind them that today is

24/7

Hopefully it'll be a dry hump day.

She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.