Never tried drugs before...but I have high expectations
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kr4zyy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
This should meet expectation imgur.com/41NwNiA
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/djeclipz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Great Expectations

When you write about about a kid in the 1900s with Great Expectations, it’s a real Oliver Twist

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sniperso
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Given the state of the world today , I don’t have Great Expectations for my children.

I got them all the other Dickens’ books though.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I read Great Expectations last week.

It wasn't as good as I thought it would be.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M0ng078
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
It hurts when you have expectations; that's why a woman feels pain when she's pregnant

Since she is expecting

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/meme_ism69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Behond Meat competition doesn't meet expectations

From the Wallstreet Journal newscast. No pun intended.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/P4WWWWW
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
"Vote for me, and we won't have BEEF. I hope to MEAT all of your expectations, but if we don't accomplish everything, don't have a COW."
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fools_Requiem
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Just a short joke about expectations.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I went into my wife's ultrasound with high expectations.

I was really disappointed, the sound quality really bad. (Ultra Avx)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.

It really came out of the purple.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.

Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)

Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.

Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?

Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??

Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!

I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.

Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.

πŸ‘︎ 242
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I wasn't expecting that?
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Python119
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don't dinosaurs make good pets?

Because they're dead.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scardeal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s long, surprisingly bigger then expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from

A limousine

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MF62SW
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the opposite of Ladies fingers?

Mentos

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I promised my wife I'd follow her into the afterlife if she died, but it took me longer than expected.

"Finally," she said when I arrived, "you're late."

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WideEyedWand3rer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife's been in a coma for 2 weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.

So, I have to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.

I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.

πŸ‘︎ 151
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction

She packed up her bags and right.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m about to share a joke that’ll turn r/dadjokes upside down

sǝʞoɾpɐp/ɹ

πŸ‘︎ 617
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Husband: Babe, I got paid more than I expected! This is great!!!!

Wife: Sweet! How much are we talking??

Husband: Well it is normally $1000, but this time I got $1000.02!!!!!!!

Wife: ...thats not that great.

Husband: Well I think it is, but that’s just my two cents.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jhench78
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
We really should have expected last year's pandemic.

But then, hindsight is 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Harkonan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between a radius and a diameter?

A radius.

πŸ‘︎ 776
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/angrysandclock
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I don't know why people expect Time's Square to put on a decent New Year's Eve show.

They're always dropping the ball.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Elnateo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Finally my winter fat has gone...

Now, I have spring rolls.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Some people were arguing about the most important part of a kitchen.

"The sink is the most important! It's where you get water for cooking, wash your hands, clean fruits and vegetables, and clean the dishes up afterwards."

But another person said,

"The countertop is even more important. It's where the food is prepared. And if the counter weren't there, you wouldn't have a sink at all!"

The first person was shocked. They weren't expecting a counterargument.

πŸ‘︎ 146
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TabCompletion
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?

A hammer.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeenyus47
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I expect a reaction from you all.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t dinosaurs laugh?

Because they are extinct

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/havenotredditt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw a microbiologist today.

He was much bigger than I expected.

πŸ‘︎ 619
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What did batman say to robin before they got into the bat mobile?

Robin get in the car.

πŸ‘︎ 402
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Ah Facebook XD
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard Schrodinger's joke?

Joke: >!γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€γ€€!<

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Nobody expected this Knight in the battle.
πŸ‘︎ 100
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/atreyudevil
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I swallowed a coin by accident

No change is expected

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpiesaus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Why isn't the 24th of July a holiday?

Are we really expected to work 24/7?

πŸ‘︎ 160
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notakat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?

I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....

πŸ‘︎ 21k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/varthalon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad to his son; β€œDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”

Son; β€œGo on, then.”

Dad growls; β€œNOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”

Son; β€œThat’s Superman.”

Dad; β€œThanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/exmoor456
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Creepy situation? Calls for a dad joke

So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:

At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit β€” the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.

Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me β€” I’ve never been one to split hares

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kurtvan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, β€œwhere do I drop it off?”

She says, β€œGo in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -β€œ

β€œDon’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gorhckmn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
There are two unwritten rules in life
πŸ‘︎ 627
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/felinebarbecue
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I've invented a sandal for one legged people...

It was a flop.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A person that works faster than expected always has extra time on their hands.

The same is true for clocks.

(PSA: Remember to correct yours tonight, as applicable.)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrBELDING69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
"Hey dad, I'm trans"

"I have no son"

"Thanks for supporting me"

I'm sure this has been done but it got a chuckle out of me

Edit wow, I wasn't expecting an award. Thank you kind stranger!

πŸ‘︎ 247
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Niskara
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are expected to pretend as if nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I didn't expect to see that convention of skilled printers in Madrid…

It was a Spanish ink-wiz-isition.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What do Italian ghosts eat?

Spooketti Boolognese.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BarnesDude
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to push fluids when I got my covid vaccine

I sent her this

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wreckingjew
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
You say yes, I say no

body expects the Spanish Inquisition!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/user_error101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.