Never tried drugs before...but I have high expectations
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︎ Oct 04 2020
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︎ Oct 19 2019
Great Expectations
When you write about about a kid in the 1900s with Great Expectations, itβs a real Oliver Twist
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︎ Jul 24 2020
Given the state of the world today , I donβt have Great Expectations for my children.
I got them all the other Dickensβ books though.
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︎ Feb 27 2020
I read Great Expectations last week.
It wasn't as good as I thought it would be.
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︎ Mar 07 2020
It hurts when you have expectations; that's why a woman feels pain when she's pregnant
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︎ Feb 22 2020
Behond Meat competition doesn't meet expectations
From the Wallstreet Journal newscast. No pun intended.
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︎ Jun 07 2019
"Vote for me, and we won't have BEEF. I hope to MEAT all of your expectations, but if we don't accomplish everything, don't have a COW."
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︎ Oct 11 2018
Just a short joke about expectations.
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︎ Jun 26 2019
I went into my wife's ultrasound with high expectations.
I was really disappointed, the sound quality really bad. (Ultra Avx)
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︎ May 28 2019
If my son ever came out to be trans then I wouldnβt have a son anymore
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︎ May 07 2021
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I did not expect this to be the replacement IronMan
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︎ May 10 2021
Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.
Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)
Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.
Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?
Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??
Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!
I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.
Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I wasn't expecting that?
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︎ Nov 07 2020
Everyone expected him to go postal from the way he was raised, on a high fiber diet...
He had a roughage childhood.
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︎ May 03 2021
Why don't dinosaurs make good pets?
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Whatβs long, surprisingly bigger then expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from
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︎ Apr 10 2021
What is the opposite of Ladies fingers?
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︎ Mar 29 2021
I promised my wife I'd follow her into the afterlife if she died, but it took me longer than expected.
"Finally," she said when I arrived, "you're late."
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Donβt expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
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︎ Dec 03 2020
My wife's been in a coma for 2 weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.
So, I have to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction
She packed up her bags and right.
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︎ Feb 20 2021
Iβm about to share a joke thatβll turn r/dadjokes upside down
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︎ Mar 24 2021
Husband: Babe, I got paid more than I expected! This is great!!!!
Wife: Sweet! How much are we talking??
Husband: Well it is normally $1000, but this time I got $1000.02!!!!!!!
Wife: ...thats not that great.
Husband: Well I think it is, but thatβs just my two cents.
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︎ Feb 11 2021
We really should have expected last year's pandemic.
But then, hindsight is 2020.
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︎ Jan 03 2021
What is the difference between a radius and a diameter?
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︎ Jan 16 2021
I don't know why people expect Time's Square to put on a decent New Year's Eve show.
They're always dropping the ball.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
Canβt say Iβm surprised.
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︎ Apr 28 2020
Some people were arguing about the most important part of a kitchen.
"The sink is the most important! It's where you get water for cooking, wash your hands, clean fruits and vegetables, and clean the dishes up afterwards."
But another person said,
"The countertop is even more important. It's where the food is prepared. And if the counter weren't there, you wouldn't have a sink at all!"
The first person was shocked. They weren't expecting a counterargument.
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︎ Apr 26 2021
Finally my winter fat has gone...
Now, I have spring rolls.
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︎ Jan 24 2021
My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?
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︎ Dec 21 2020
I expect a reaction from you all.
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︎ Feb 23 2020
Why canβt dinosaurs laugh?
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︎ Mar 21 2021
Why did the pig go to jail ?
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︎ May 06 2021
What did batman say to robin before they got into the bat mobile?
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︎ Dec 18 2020
Ah Facebook XD
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︎ Nov 24 2020
I saw a microbiologist today.
He was much bigger than I expected.
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︎ Apr 01 2021
Nobody expected this Knight in the battle.
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︎ Aug 31 2020
Have you heard Schrodinger's joke?
Joke: >!γγγγγγγγγγγγγγγγγγ!<
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︎ Mar 12 2021
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
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︎ Oct 20 2020
Dad to his son; βDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?β
Son; βGo on, then.β
Dad growls; βNOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!β
Son; βThatβs Superman.β
Dad; βThanks, Iβve been practicing a lot.β
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︎ Oct 23 2020
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (weβre expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, βwhere do I drop it off?β
She says, βGo in the front door and thereβs a little desk that you -β
βDonβt you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?β
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
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︎ Nov 18 2020
Why isn't the 24th of July a holiday?
Are we really expected to work 24/7?
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︎ Mar 24 2021
I swallowed a coin by accident
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︎ Apr 17 2021
Iβm trying to grow auto parts on my farm.
Iβm expecting a bumper crop.
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︎ May 05 2021
There are two unwritten rules in life
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︎ Jan 19 2021
A person that works faster than expected always has extra time on their hands.
The same is true for clocks.
(PSA: Remember to correct yours tonight, as applicable.)
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︎ Nov 01 2020
I've invented a sandal for one legged people...
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︎ Dec 09 2020
Creepy situation? Calls for a dad joke
So this is a true story, and maybe Iβll go to hell for telling it, but I expect Iβll meet the actual perpetrator there:
At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if Iβd seen the rabbit β the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasnβt a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.
Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldnβt have been me β Iβve never been one to split hares
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︎ Mar 31 2021
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are expected to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
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︎ Oct 13 2020
I didn't expect to see that convention of skilled printers in Madridβ¦
It was a Spanish ink-wiz-isition.
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︎ Oct 31 2020
What do Italian ghosts eat?
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︎ Oct 10 2020
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