Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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My wife often uses the promise of raunchy sex to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......

Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/carpet_tart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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When I promise to come up with an organ transplant pun.

I de-liver

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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"I hope you keep your promise this time!"

"Me too! I have my fingers crossed!"

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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My grandma was famous for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so everyone could visit and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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Is that a tread or a promise?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fightmilk22
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
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I looked at my wife and proclaimed, "I promise to love you 24/7!!"

She looked lovingly at me, eyes welling with tears as I continued, "And today is the day!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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I always wanted my dad to grow a beard and would try to get him to not shave in the mornings. As he began shaving, he would always promise me that he’d start growing a beard β€˜tomorrow’, but he never did.

He was a bald faced liar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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Why did the chicken cross the road? (I promise the punchline is original) reddit.com/r/AntiJokes/co…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrj760
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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If Michelle Obama were to run for president in 2020 on the campaign promise of legalizing marijuana, what would her campaign slogan be?

When they go low, we get high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tydyety5
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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A promise

For my highschool, Prom is this weekend. A group of friends asked the guy behind me in class wether or not he was going. He said no. He then said...

"I promise to go next year"

Then I turned around and said...

"Oh. You... PROM-ise to go next year?"

He said yeah then went back to work. 5 seconds later he slowly looked up at me with the "really?" Expression.

Worth it.

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πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Making a promise is like writing a paper

It means nothing if you don’t make the word count

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LamboBites
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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God appears before Moses and tells him he's going to lead His people into the promise land...

Moses says, "NO WAY!" But God said, "YAHWEH!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDictator26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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I promise to never tell another pun about erections...

Touch wood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/derross53
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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This one is too long for just a title. But, I promise that this really just happened.

I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.

So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.

My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.

I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm a great dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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They have been Edam fools but promise to be Gouda from now on ! Pun theft I admit * abc.net.au/news/2017-03-2…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fair_SOTS
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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I promise not to make any bad new year's Eve jokes

For the rest of the year

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πŸ‘€︎ u/James75196
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
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A dentist is working on a judge and promises one thing....

....to take the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
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Shopping for wedding rings last night, I showed promise for our future together.

We were looking at alternative metals, and we both agreed that the meteorite ring was not only the coolest looking in general, but the fact that it came from space made it a clear winner.

Her: "Maybe I should get meteorite in my wedding band too so we can match."

Me: "So you know what this means? It means that our love is out of this world!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/My_Dog_Sherlock
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2015
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I promise this will be a short story.

^story

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kv9109
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2017
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My one year old son shows promise

He was playing with his toys. I asked him for something that's blue and he gave me a blue block. I asked him for something that's red and he gave me a book.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timotab
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2014
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I can't promise I'll stay awake

But I'll make a conscious effort.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2016
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I really hope Ron Howard does an AMA and that he promises somebody something...

...just so I can leave the comment "surely Opie will deliver"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/waltpsu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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How does a mouse keep its promise?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dblog68
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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