My Doctor has just prescribed some anti gloating cream

I can’t wait to rub it in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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What did the doctor prescribe to the supernova who was complaining of the aching of their leg?

Nova-cain

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDreadist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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I have a horse that's really asthmatic and I'm scared it may not make it. The vet prescribed some

bronco-die-laters

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Letthembeefcake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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I was prescribed medication but couldn't take it. It was impossible to get that damn lid off...

You might have heard of it. It's called Tryopenin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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How do Dutch doctors prescribe medications?

In windmilligrams

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyDelicious
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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My doctor recently prescribed me some anti-gravity pills for my depression.

They have been extremely up lifting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Orrboy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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What was the number one drug prescribed by psychiatrists in 2020?

Enemas, people needed to just let some shit go.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrono_bound20xx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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If a doctor ever prescribed me an enema...

I’d tell him to shove it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Campagnolo412
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream... I can't wait to rub it in!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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β€œI’d like to prescribe you a topical ointment for your skin irritation,” my doctor said.

β€œWoah, woah, doc,” I said, β€œLet’s not make any rash decisions.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whomikehidden
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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[Original] The doctor prescribed a man a standing desk for back pain.

He told the man to stand at least 3 hours a day, which should reduce the symptoms - and to come back in a month. A month passes and the doctor is seeing the man again. He asks if the symptoms have improved. The man says, β€œNo, but I’ve only been standing for one hour a day”. The doctor says he understood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tdrusk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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Along with gender dysphoria, my doctor wanted to address my poor oral health.

She prescribed me trans-and-dental medication.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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I visited my doctor today and have been prescribed some anti-gloating cream.

Now all I have to do is rub it in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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My doctor prescribed me with anti-gloating cream today.

I can't wait to get home and rub it in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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What medication was the sad ant prescribed?

Ant-I-depressants!

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πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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My doctor couldn't decide if they wanted to prescribe me hydrocortisone or diphenhydramine.

and in the end they had to make a rash decision

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubeykeebler
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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What is commonly prescribed for blindness?

Vitamin C

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AH135i
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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My doctor prescribed me ointment for my impulsiveness.

He said it would help with my rash decisions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TraditionSmashed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
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My doctor prescribed me a nasal steroid. Now everything has a strong smell.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theholmesian
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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What medication are ants prescribed to deal with their low moods?

Anty Depressants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsthearistocrat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
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Dear Doctor,

How do you expect me to lose weight, when all the pills you prescribe me, must be taken with food?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Santa has just been prescribed Viagra.

Apparently he only comes once a year

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoglaTheGrate
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
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I once asked a pirate about why he wore an eye patch.

He told me he used to have a glass eye, but that it had become infected. When he went to the doctor he was prescribed three eye drops each morning and evening. By the first morning though he’d dropped it so many times it had shattered!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-Fucked-YourMom
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian.

They’re immediately taken back to a room.

Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.

β€œThis must be a mistake,” the man says. β€œI’ve been here only 20 minutes!”

β€œNo mistake,” the doctor says. β€œIt’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucianoMercuri__
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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I can’t go to the hardware store,

My doctor has prescribed me an ace inhibitor for my blood pressure

This was from a conversation my wife and I had yesterday. She asked me why I always go to Lowe’s instead of the local hardware store seeing as I’m all about supporting local businesses. I told her it’s because I take lisinopril and it’s an ace inhibitor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tondropper186
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu?

One gets prescribed oinkment, and the other requires some sort of other tweetment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My wife insists that it's dyslexia.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/derawin07
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
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My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.

He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy whose eyes fell out?

His doctor prescribed him eye DROPS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperPen312
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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My nurse just shook her head.

A patient came to the ER with a rash that she had been scratching for a few days. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.

I said "Wow. You're really ... itching to get out of here."

Silence, then groans. Just the response I was looking for.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smeeee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
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Dad got cuffed yesterday. He was let go with a stern warning...

Hopefully the new diet prescribed by his doctor will lower his blood pressure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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An eye doctor went to see a dermatologist for his acne

He prescribed him some Retin-A

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hbsquatch
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
🚨︎ report
The best joke my dad ever told

My dad is really proud of this one. It's the only joke he's ever told that's been funny enough to make somebody laugh so hard that they spit out of their nose. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for this joke, so let me give you some context first:

He's been in a motorcycle accident (hit and run by an illegal immigrant), and had to have most of his vertebrae fused. They use titanium rods to hold your back from bending, so as you can imagine its kind of a major operation. His doctor prescribed a year (or longer if needed) of massage therapy, which he was thankful for. Twice a week he went in to a small clinic for a few hours at a time, and usually had the same masseuse. Let's call her Marge.

After four months of therapy they of course got to know each other very well. He was always faithful to my mother, but he was good friends with Marge. Their conversations range all the way from baseball to differentials, and everything stays platonic.

Here's where the story begins:

During a massage, they are having an energetic conversation, the time comes where he turns onto his back so that she can get to his knee ligaments (chainsawed his kneecap a few years prior, doc said may as well get there too). She goes at it like normal, and the conversation continues. Now here comes the part that made my dad wait to tell me this until recently: The "stimulation" in his knee for some reason, on that day out of all others, triggered a reflexive erection. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

The conversation goes quiet. Marge notices, but doesn't say a word. She remains professional. She continues working. My dad is more embarrassed than he's ever been. Several minutes of silence pass, and my dad cant take it anymore.

"Marge," he says, "I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room."

He raises his head to look down the table at her. He glances at it, then back to her. With a slight shake of his head he says:

"Wait nevermind, it's only his trunk"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DONT_PM_MEH_PLEES
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
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Been sick lately, went to the doc yesterday. Got my wife good later.

I picked up a head cold from my toddler and was worried about it progressing to something worse. Texted my doc, and he said to come in ASAP. That afternoon, he prescribed for me some cough meds, and a nasal steroid to help with the blockage.

I get home, and after putting the still-snotty kiddo to bed, my wife and I retreated to the boudoir to talk and relax. She wanted to know what Doc prescribed. She gave me the perfect setup for a dad joke.

Me: Oh, some pearls and codeine for the cough, and a steroid spray for my nose.

Wife: Where is it?

Me: (pointing at nose) It's right here in the middle of my face.

She laughed. Good thing we were far enough away we didn't wake up the kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twilightmoons
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
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Bad medicine

This an old one. One time I was sick when I was a kid so I went to see a doctor, who happened to be my aunt. Anyway, after I'm done I meet up with my dad in the waiting room. Me: Looks like I got a throat infection, Dad. Him (looking at prescription slip): I know, I see she's prescribed you some AUNTI-biotics

Groaned all the way to the pharmacy.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
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At the pharmacy picking up my pain meds after surgery...

And I'm prescribed Norcos

I look at the bottle and look at my pharmacist and ask, "What did Aquaman do when he was cold?"

Blank stare.

"He put a hydrocodon". Then I shake the bottle.

The groan was real.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevingcp
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2016
🚨︎ report
I saved this dad joke for 30 years for just the right moment...

I think I "invented" this joke when I was around 15, but I'm sure others have as well since it's not too subtle. The key, though, was that I waited for just the right moment to use it for the first time.

I had an ear infection, so I went to the doctor, who took a look and quickly diagnosed it and wrote a prescription and handed it to me.

> Doctor: It's just an ear infection, so 4 drops of this daily should clear it right up.

> Me: [Reading the prescription, and seeing the name of the antibiotic, but I may be wrong about the name, so if anyone knows the right name, please reply.] [Completely seriously.] Oraline? So, I put the drops in my mouth?

> Doctor: [Quizzically.] No, no, no, you put it in your ear!

> Me: Oh, I read the name, and "Oraline" sounds like something you'd take orally.

> Doctor: Nope, in the ear.

> Me: [Remembering my dad joke.] It's a good thing that you didn't prescribe me analgesics.

The doctor had no reaction, just said their deadpan goodbye and left. I've wondered if they didn't get it, didn't think it was funny, or had heard it hundreds of times before.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaedW
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2015
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Got dadjoked by a lady this morning..

Backstory: My girlfriend, whom I will call Caitlin, is an archeologist, and we were sitting in the doctor's office. She was receiving information from a nurse about a new medication she was being prescribed.

Nurse: You don't do anything with bird poop, do you?

Caitlin: No.

Me: Well, Caitlin, looks like no more bird poop for you.

Nurse: Yeah, you'll have to quit cold turkey.

I was impressed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BudBill18
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2014
🚨︎ report
I was prescribed medication but I couldn't take it. It was too hard to get the lid off. You might have heard of it...

TRYOPENIN

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

I can’t wait to rub it in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryannbajaj
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I've been prescribed anti gloating cream...

I can't wait to rub it in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.

They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sleeves14
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report

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