Prescriptive Puns

But my wife insists it's for Dyslexia

They had such great shavings.

Edit: Title should be subscription, wtf autocorrect

When asked about the lawsuit, he claimed he "never saw it coming".

"And then we'll see."

He replied, “Dammit! Some asshole’s got my pen!”

Life before that is a blur.

I said I don't have too many loose screws.

She smiled.

He was suffering from e-reptile disfunction.

One’s a pharmacist and the other’s a farm assist

The rest are over the counter

"Doc, I haven't pooped in a week! Please help!"

Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.

Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"

The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories are very effective, and after taking a weeks worth he should have definitely had a BM. Oh well, the doc thinks, and gives him another weeks worth.

Guy comes back the next day. The doc says incredulously, "you've taken 2 weeks worth of suppositories in 2 days, and nothing happened?!?! What are you doing with them, eating them?!?!"

The man replies, "What'd you expect me to do with them, Shove 'em up my ass?!?!"

I don't know if this would normally be considered a dad joke, but it's my dad's favorite joke so I think it should count.

They're mined readers

Your choice is clear

I was waiting anxiously for my mother to be ready to go to the store, when all of the sudden my dad says : Hey do you need your prescription refilled?
Me: No, wait what prescription? Dad: Oh never mind it just looks like you're out of chill pills.

Now my pharmacist labels all my prescriptions "BY MOUTH ONLY".

His prescription for me is to assemble two IKEA wardrobes.

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken. Hing immediately went back to the university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!!

Ming, aware of his brother’s lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of leaves, and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.

Moral: All of Hing’s courses, and all of Ming’s kin; couldn’t make gum tea re-feather a hen!

My boyfriend told me this belonged here...

Last week my dad fell on our icy driveway, giving himself a concussion, a bruised face and a broken cheekbone. After spending most of the night in the ER and many prescriptions later, this exchange occurred between my parents and the doctor.

Dr.: Do you want something for that face? For the pain?

Mom: No thanks, if it hurts I just won't look at him.

This an old one. One time I was sick when I was a kid so I went to see a doctor, who happened to be my aunt. Anyway, after I'm done I meet up with my dad in the waiting room. Me: Looks like I got a throat infection, Dad. Him (looking at prescription slip): I know, I see she's prescribed you some AUNTI-biotics

Groaned all the way to the pharmacy.

I think I "invented" this joke when I was around 15, but I'm sure others have as well since it's not too subtle. The key, though, was that I waited for just the right moment to use it for the first time.

I had an ear infection, so I went to the doctor, who took a look and quickly diagnosed it and wrote a prescription and handed it to me.

> Doctor: It's just an ear infection, so 4 drops of this daily should clear it right up.

> Me: [Reading the prescription, and seeing the name of the antibiotic, but I may be wrong about the name, so if anyone knows the right name, please reply.] [Completely seriously.] Oraline? So, I put the drops in my mouth?

> Doctor: [Quizzically.] No, no, no, you put it in your ear!

> Me: Oh, I read the name, and "Oraline" sounds like something you'd take orally.

> Doctor: Nope, in the ear.

> Me: [Remembering my dad joke.] It's a good thing that you didn't prescribe me analgesics.

The doctor had no reaction, just said their deadpan goodbye and left. I've wondered if they didn't get it, didn't think it was funny, or had heard it hundreds of times before.

Someone with the wrong eyeglass prescription

We were at Visionworks yesterday getting my glasses prescription updated, and I was talking to the saleswoman about glasses care.

"Should I buy one those little frame screwdriver kits? In case my lenses fall out or the frame busts?"

"Well, Laff_Like_Peter, I think that's a bad idea. Those kits are flimsy, and the screw heads break off all the time. Getting your frames adjusted is free if the come in, I wouldn't feel right selling you those useless kits. Come on in if your frames have an accident, I'll give you a good screw".

My Dad, who was sitting quietly next to me, pipes up "Better be careful with what you say". The saleswoman was mortified.

Dad took me to get new eyeglass prescription when I was about 16. When picking out frames, my Dad says, "Do you have anything that will help him see things my way?"

but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia

My wife insists that it's dyslexia.

"Well first, mom and I are gonna go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."