A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...

"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."


Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:

"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/istrebitjel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tecniklee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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When I predict the weather,

50% of the time, I am right all the time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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Sad news. The man who invented predictive text has passed away.

May he rust in piss.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RambuDev
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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Why are nuns so predictable?

Because they're creatures of habit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/motobuddha
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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I just called GameStop Customer Service...

They asked me to please Hold. πŸ’ŽπŸ€²

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myfourthuser04
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adfunk101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, β€œYou are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”

She said, β€œYeah.”

I said, β€œI knew it!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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A prediction...
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeismicLove
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...

High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConradFlick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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I predicted Covid-19 3 years ago. Guess I got 2020 vision
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSlippyKnot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?

A meteorologist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WantedDadorAlive
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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An Amoeba predicted that it would successfully split itself in two.

It was a cell fulfilling prophecy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/g1flash23
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Your mother couldn’t believe that an actual skunk could predict the future.

But it was a real fortune smeller.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/b33fb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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Do you know what they call the ability to predict sports scores?

ESPN.

(Credit to my husband who just laid this one on our kids and I)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theclashwasright
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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I predict clocks will take over the world.

It’s only a matter of time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TedBettridge
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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At the therapist’s office, I asked my wife, β€œYou are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, won’t you?”

Her: Yes

Me: I knew it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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How can colors be used to predict the weather?

By their huemidity

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coop620
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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Which of the saints could predict the future?

Saint Cristobal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_thechancellor_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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Not to brag, but I have this incredible talent in predicting what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?

It’s fully groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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George Washington predicted that some day in the future, a dollar bill will contain his likeness.

In that sense, he was on the money.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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The wife has a new Ewok fur coat.

She looks totally wicket in it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeChump
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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What did the indigenous Canadian man say when he predicted the future?

Inuit!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fennequinn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf

Just Kuwait and sea

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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I bet my son $10 I could predict the score of the Pats-Rams game tonight before it starts, and he said you’re on.

I said, β€œit’ll be 0-0.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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I watched a documentary about graphs, but it was really disappointing.

The plot was predictable. The special f(x) was terrible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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My end of the world prediction is pretty far away.

I wouldn't bet on it though. Hindsight's 2080.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnnyZillion
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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Many years ago there was a vicious viking named RΓΌdoff.

RΓΌdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "RΓΌdoff det rΓΈde", meaning "the red".

After years of wars, and regular battles, RΓΌdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.

One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but RΓΌdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars

"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast. She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.

He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:

RΓΌdoff The Red knows rain, dear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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I'm going to make a bold prediction

Prediction

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boredcircuits
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2016
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The psychic I go to can predict what's going to happen two years from now.

He's got 2020 vision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_grand
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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If you could predict what scents you will smell in the future...

...you would be Nose-tradamus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninety-five95
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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Would you say that people making financial and climate predictions for next year have... 20/20 vision?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cain11112
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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Did you know the Bible actually predicted that gay parades would be held during the summer?

Pride comes before the fall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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The leader of a church kept making false doomsday predictions.

The church recently filed to be a non-prophet organization.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IchWillRingen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?

Because they're not tenants

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterbill
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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A viking by the name of Rudolph the Red was sitting in his home, when he looked out the window.

He told his wife that it was going to rain soon. His wife, never hearing her husband predict the weather before asks, "How Rudolph, how do you know its going to rain soon?"

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pidgeon-eater-69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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I feel like I really can’t tell what’s gonna happen next year. Movies, politics, my personal life. I can’t predict anything

It’s like I don’t have 2020 vision

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cttaylor97
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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Alot of people were saying The Simpsons predicted Pokemon Go but me personally,

I think that's a little farfetch'd

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSFG832
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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George Orwell predicted that we would have Thought Police

Instead, we got the Thot Police

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeanderingB
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
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Why are Father Time's Dad jokes so terrible and predictable?

Every single punchline is 'week'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boganic-alcoholic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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I just watched a Movie about a y= x graph!

The plot was a bit predictable

And a little flat!

Had good Special f(x) though

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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In 1975 Queen predicted Apple being scary...

Thunderbolt and Lightning, very, very frightening.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/octalgon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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I would make predictions about next year

But I don't have 2020 vision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/batfan186
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.

The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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TIL: George Washington predicted that eventually the $1 bill will contain his likeness.

In that regard, he was on the money.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Bold prediction:

#PREDICTION

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fremenist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2016
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