Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open during lockdown?
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present
And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
Just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out.
Must be from my Uncle Ben.
Why did the clown hold the door open?
Because it's a nice jester
Open a company for boob jobs and name it Entity.
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
I recently turned down an opportunity to open a Dominos Pizza store, because I thought it was too risky.
If one store goes down, they will all go down.
The gyms must stay open.
The Constitution guarantees the Freedom of the Press!
One of my friends told me he was opening a clothing store that sold everything except for hats.
I thought he was pulling my leg, but when I asked him, he told me "Yeah man it's true, no cap."
When a ghost opens a bank vault by itself...
Its a poulterheist
... I’ve been playing too much phasmophobia
My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I always have trouble with emotional attachments.
What do you call a broken can opener
Opened the electric bill and the Wife can't understand why i'm on the floor laughing.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
What did the cop say after opening Jeff Dahmer's refrigerator ?
"He really had a cool head."
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
I want to open a Chinese food buffet
It will be called "All You Can Eat and Dim Sum"
Called my local restaurant for reservation. Hey are you guys open for reservations? They replied four to nine today
Looks like they are too busy today
How do toads open presents?
I opened my radiator to find a lone insect, wearing sunglasses and a leather jecket. It said. "ayyyy!"
Do you know why Santa and eight reindeer couldn’t open his vehicle?
As my daughter opened her last gift on Christmas morning with a sad look in her eyes...
I said: “If you think that’s the end, you’ve got another thing coming!”
I got to open a present early. It was anti-gloating cream
I can't wait to rub it in
What is Karen's favourite keyboard shortcut?
Ctrl,shift,esc.
(Task manager shortcut)
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it ...
I'm going to open a pizza joint where they shake a box a bit before they hand it to you.
I'll call it Little Seizures.
Today I have opened my very own pizza restaurant.
I will be rolling in dough in no time.
A sinkhole just opened up in our high Street.
The police are looking into it.
People weren't happy with me for leaving the front door at work open overnight.
I walked into a chilly reception.
grandpa told me: "if a door closes somewhere, another opens
he was a really bad cabinet maker...
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
I’m going to open a restaurant that doesn’t do anything to prevent spreading the pandemic
It’s called Thai Food Mary
My friend opened a tea store. He told me that every time he stocks the bottled tea products, they sell out within hours...
Business has been Brisk, baby!
Just came home to find all my doors and windows open, everything's gone!
Who would do that to another person's Advent Calendar?!
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
My 10 year old son: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
My wife while looking at me: -.-
I'm thinking of opening a bar where everyone insults everyone else while moving to the music...
I think my idea of social diss dancing would go over well!
I always knock on the fridge before I open the door...
Just in case there is a salad dressing.
I'll see myself out....
Hold the door open for a clown
You should always knock on the fridge door before opening it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
A clown held the door open for me
Yesterday a clown held a Door open for me
I thought it was a nice jester
My wife emailed me pictures of our wedding, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I always have trouble with emotional attachments.
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it!
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
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