Just calling it the T exam now.
Prime Rib!
Big Farmer
A Daytona.
Because of the Bayeux Tapas Tray!
They weren't big fans of arrrbitration.
It’s called Matcha the Day
I bring the dad his oyster dinner.
His wife yells, "holy mackerel!"
He says, "no honey, they're oysters."
- Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
- Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
- Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.
[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition
This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.
The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.
The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.
So I told her I would get it in a couple of weeks.
What supermarket has the most generous portions?
Giant food.
Which one has the most carefully measured portions?
Safeway (safe weigh).
What's the most deceptive supermarket?
Food lion.
And the worst rated one?
Aldi's (All D's).
Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.
The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.
"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"
When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.
"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."
The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it
... keep reading on reddit ➡Martial arts is as much spiritual training as it is physical training. In fact, there is a school of martial arts in Korea where practitioners would spend large portions of the day just meditating.
As they train their spirits to ponder over their place in the universe, the practitioners would also train their bodies to forgo the needs of the physical world. The practitioners would endure days on end without sleep, and live on a single loaf of bread for an entire month.
As they meditate, they would repeat the mantra: “I am one with the universe, it sleeps not so I shall not sleep. This bread is my only worldly attachment but I shall only TAKE ONE DOUGH”
A significant portion of them would drown
It's called 'Alhavas.' We sell everything in half portions.
"Alhavas. What'll you have a half a?"
"I'll have uh... Half a half pounder."
"We'll half that up in just a moment."
"This isn't a half pound burger."
"No sir, it's half a half pound burger."
Dad: calls them over after meal Waiter, this food is disgusting
Waiter: Apologises profusely
Dad: And another thing, the portions aren't big enough
Cue awkward laughter
Her: They're changing the SAT again. They're making the essay portion not required.
Me: So it's just the T's now?
Worker #1: "Should we use scaffolding or should we use some other means to access the higher portions of the structure."
Worker #2: "It should be the latter."
Worker #1: "Agreed. I'll get it off the truck."
I work in a grocery store while in college, specifically the bakery portion of it. On of my coworkers was looking at the pies and said, " That pie is not made with sugar, that's sacrilegious!", to which I replied, "No that's sucrose". Groans for days.
My dad ordered eton mess after a pub lunch. The waitress told him it was quite a large portion, so he goes "ok i'll just have an untidy please".
At play rehearsal we were blocking out a scene, the director explained during this particular scene the lights on one portion of the stage would dim to highlight the two with solos. One cast member asked, "When the lights go dim on us, do we freeze?" one of the older fellows in the cast cut in, "No, we'll still have the heat on." Loved it.
Edit: play rehearsal
She said "a distinct portion or section of land."
My wife had cooked a lovely dinner of porkchops, rice and asparagus. I took a pretty big portion of everything but managed to eat it all.
I go to take some more veggies, when my wife asks me "Are you really going to eat that too?"
I replied, "I might not, but...meh...never hurts to have a spare I guess......"
Got a +4 yesterday feeding a big shoal of fish with my girls and their friend.
One of them threw a whole portion in at once. "Wow! They ate that really quickly!"
"Yes they are very efishient"
I am trying to cut down a small tree that has grown through the fence at multiple points where it has engulfed a good portion of the fence. I asked my girlfriend to ask her parents if they have a chain saw to help with the job.
Girlfriend: "They don't have a chain saw, but they have a hedge trimmer."
Me: "Hedge trimmer is not strong enough. That's just not going to CUT it.
I spent a good portion of my youth rolling my eyes at my father's jokes. But deep down, I loved 'em. I have a great Dad. But I'm not really the best at saying "I love you". I was reading /r/dadjokes recently and I had an idea. I should turn my Dad's favorite joke into a t-shirt. Then, on Father's Day, I could video chat with him while I wear the shirt.
I think he would love the shit out of that, you know? Like, maybe he will think "Wow, my son gets it. He actually likes my humor!"
Then I thought, I could turn a bunch of these jokes into shirts. So I did. You can see them here:
http://www.funnyshirts.org/s/dadjokes
And then I thought, man, if I could get more people to do nothing else on Father's Day but to embrace their Dad's sense of humor... that would be pretty cool. It would make a lot of Dads happy.
So I wrote the Dad Joke Manifesto:
http://dadjokemanifesto.tumblr.com/themanifesto
You don't have to use t-shirts. Just make a good joke. Employ puns. Think about your Dad's style, his favorite joke, and embrace it.
If you can dig it, then join the movement. Send me your favorite Dad Jokes. Join us on:
If nothing else, follow along for some good dad jokes.
I begin to pour the remainder of the freshly cooked chips from the tray on to the plate. At the bottom I notice there are some fries left in the tray. Coworker leans in and says "Surfries!"
I set the tray down and we cackle over the remark. Manager quickly puts his hand on the counter and flips the tray up, sending a small portion of salty fries into and around his eye. I turn to my coworker: "Surfries!"
A significant portion of them would drown...
