Electile dysfunction
Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.
I'm going to change a lightbulb, he replied.
Won't that be hard with only one arm? I asked.
No, he said, I've got the receipt.
You do you.
I'd give it a rating of 50 stars.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡They had a patient while we had patience
Apparently he created his own algoreithm
Diffi Cult
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
It's propaganja.
Because machines don't have vote rights.
His name would've been...Polarites...
Poli- meaning "Many"
And Tics, meaning "small blood sucking insects"
Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB
Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"
I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual
So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes
r/unclejokes for dirty jokes
r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC
r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes
Punchline !
Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub
Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat
No tanks
but I can’t get a straight answer.
The proper modern term is the Alt-Write.
Opened up a hedge fund
“The tree’s okay but you could spruce it up a bit.”
“Remember the end of Return of the Jedi when they were Ewoking around the Christmas tree?”
“But wait, there’s myrrh!”
“You should tie your shoes!” “I don’t want to end up on the knotty list.”
“Sorry I’m so late. My car broke down and I had to get a mistletow.”
“Did you get coal today? The holidays soot you.”
“Why are you down? Do you have resting Grinch face?”
“What do you mean you don’t like my jokes? When I told them to Santa they sleighed him.”
Ones a scum sucking bottom feeder and the others a fish
The political affiliation of my eyeglasses aren't anybodys business.
Krav MAGA
The governor is the head of the judicial branch
...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...
and asks the bartender if they have any grapes. The bartender, puzzled, says no. The duck leaves and returns the following day, waddling into the bar to hop up on a stool and yet again ask the bartender, “do you have any grapes?” Bartender curtly replies, “no.”
The duck returns the following day, struts on in, jumps up on his stool and loudly asks the bartender once more, “do you have any grapes?” The bartender now over their limit says, “no! I don’t have any grapes! And if you ask me that again I’m going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!” Duck jumps off his stool and leaves.
The following day the bartender is fuming to see this duck come flip flopping through the door yet again, jump up on a stool and stare at them. The duck clears his throat and politely asks, “excuse me sir, but do you have any nails?” The bartender says, “no.”
“Well then” stated the duck, “do you have any grapes?”
If someone got up to speak and interrupted me, my go-to line was "sit down Slim Shady", because The Real Slim Shady would "Please stand up, please stand up."
Anyway, I want to up my pun game for the specific circumstance of a motherfucker interrupting my spiel during Political Discussion group.
Help me out.
Because there could be a salad dressing
Minneapolis?
A Senataur.
I was just sitting there doing nothing.
Because they always take the high road
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired.
It was a bad air day
...it’s not polite to stair.
