Perpetrating Puns

So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:

At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit — the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.

Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me — I’ve never been one to split hares

He was the sole perpetrator.

Carl had this calling card of his. When he was nearly done burgling a house, he would put a brick inside the victim's washing machine, and switch it on. The washing machine would destroy itself, and the owners would know that the perpetrator could only be Carl.

Carl's number eventually came up, when he burgled a house with three savage guard dogs. They put an end to his burglary career.

I guess you could say, washing machines live longer with Carl gone.

The perpetrator is believed to be male.

It was a scentless act of cruelty.

That night somebody had broken into his shop and stolen a few very expensive suits, and he wanted the person responsible arrested.

He approached the counter, where the owner of the workshop stood.

 

"Hi!" she said. "I'm Emmy, how can I help you today?"

 

"Well, I have this problem, and I saw online that you could help me for cheap." he responded.

"My shop was robbed of some of my most expensive suits tonight, and I want your help catching the perpetrator."

 

"That's awful, but I am confused as to how I would be of assistance?" she said.

The tailor was silent for a second, noticeably confused.

Before he had a chance to respond she asked,

"What did you see on our website?"

 

"Well I didn't actually see it on your website, there was actually this ad that intrigued me. It had big bold letters and read:

For a limited time only, click the link to find the cheapest and best deals!!! Emmy's Suit cases - Now 50% off!!!"