Perfectibility Puns

Mom: “Matthew! Can you grab the screws please?”

Me: “Oh screw this.”

Mom: “Can you grab some nails?”

Me: “Yup.” Sees the curtains up “Oh wow you’re really nailing it.”

Mom: “The drills on the counter. Would you mind...”

Me: “Don’t worry. I know the drill by now.”

He told us his little son (1 year old) had a great big poo in his toybox and there's shit all over the abacus.

"Bet you didn't count on that!" said I, proudly!

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

It was as big as the last two combined!

It was the pizza de resistance.

Because it's sπder we're talking about.

So there were 6 of us...

With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)

There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".

Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"

The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.

Best day of my comedic life

...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

Word for word what he said because he just said it a moment ago

I use the date of birth of a person I know. For example from Margarete von Henneberg. Nobody knows her. So how should someone get my password 1234?

I said "you got perfect eyesight."

He said it looked like it had never been used!

(True story, that. Meaning that he said it. I'm guessing it's something he enjoys saying to people who he doesn't have to give bad or concerning news to.)

it's unbrielievably cheesy

My secretary looked extra beautiful in that light and atmosphere!

239.

Because one more would be too farty.

I said, "I didn't know he could!"

I would rate it 10/10

They most certainly have floss.

They have to fit the Bill.

I personally think it's DD/MM/YY. The rest are a bit confusing.

because the fist impression is everything.

MM/DD/YYYY. I find other formats confusing.

it's a naan stick pan

They were all ear-regular.

...they became quite skilled at making daddy's into mummy's.

Use a lighter

it's a "dead giveaway"

But they concluded a Pill-O helped everyone sleep better

6 out 7 dwarfs aren’t happy?

"Then you’ll have a match."

I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.

I won't be able to live with myself.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

It seems pointless to me

Because they can C++