Patented Puns

But the Mayo clinic never responds to my letters.

He could have sold millions of them and become a fridge magnate.

I can't tell you how much this award means to me

It's his intellectual property.

It was a real page-turner.

They call it the Nintendo Wheeeeeeeeeee!

It's a real page turner!

But the patent office wouldn’t have a bar of it

It came back to bite me in a big way.

It feels like only yesterday.

The patent is "pending"

“Are you?” I asked. My patent screamed. “Ohh, I see,” I said. He screamed even louder.

“Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

They cantaloupe.

My grandpa told me this joke; mind you, it was in the '90s, before all the computer tech became relevant.

Inventor runs to the patent office:

• I have a brand new machine idea!
• What does it do? - asked the official.
• You know how every man is tired of shaving every single morning? My shaving machine would be placed all over the city, for scruffy lads to just put their heads in the device, and in exchange for a quarter, it would shave their face for them! - replied the inventor.
• But Sir, every person's face has a different shape!
• ...At first!

A pharmaceutical company just patented a medication that regenerates limbs. The problem is it costs an arm and a leg.

Play on words: Sexually frustrated sea mammals

     I'm Russ Whale. My wife Bayleen a few months ago gave birth to our first calf, Humphrey. I convinced my mother-in-law to whale watch tonight. It's been far too long. I drop off Humphrey and head home to hook up with the wife. 

I arrive and who do I sealion there? The wife. I'm undeterred. I try my patented move, the Humpback. I get a slight groan.

Bayleen: Rus, Are you poking me in the back again?

Rus: It's on porpoise. We're alone for the first time in forever.

Bayleen: I'm so tired, I haven't got any sleep with Humphrey making me into a nurse shark. Plus you smell like ambergris.

Rus: Hamburgers?

Bayleen: Yes, hamburgers. Please go take a shower or something.

Rus: Ok.

Rus takes a quick shower and returns. Bayleen is asleep again. Rus tries the humpback maneuver again. Nothing.

Rus: Sometimes... I wish I was a sperm whale.

Rus is slightly blubbering and and all you can make outs is odd noises and maybe the word 'blowhole'. Rus cries himself to sleep.

Fin.

"Hey, I'm going to do some errands."

"Ok sounds good I'll be here"

"Do you know where I'm going to do those errands?"

"No, where?"

"At the Errand Space Museum" and then he did his patented Dad Fake Laugh and walked out the door.

God dammit

Girlfriend reading article on phone.

I comment "what is this guy holding in the photo?"

She says "mushrooms"

I said "wow". They were huge mushrooms.

She says "Yeah this guy has found a way to cultivate natural pesticides from fungi and has a patent too"

My response "Wow. He seems like a really fun guy!"

At the dinner table with girlfriend, her patents, and her Grandparents, eating Chinese. Mother goes "I have some lo-mein if anyone wants any"

And grandpa without missing a second "oh well do yo have any high-mein".

Flawless.