I won the "Most Secretive Guy" award in our office today.

I can't tell you how much this award means to me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EdwinDaPenguin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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My neighbor got a patent on his smart home and thought provoking landscaping.

It's his intellectual property.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earth_humanoid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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I just read a patent application for a device that advances through a book while you read it.

It was a real page-turner.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mhwal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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Did you hear Nintendo has a patent for a swing set based console?

They call it the Nintendo Wheeeeeeeeeee!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clapton_Coil
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
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I wrote up my 20 page patent application for an assistive tech robot that flips pages of a book for you.

It's a real page turner!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uranus_be_cold
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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I regret trying to patent a giant boomerang with teeth.

It came back to bite me in a big way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
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I invented a new delicious sandwich spread, and I’m trying to get it patented.

But the Mayo clinic never responds to my letters.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
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I tried to trademark an unit for pressure...

But the patent office wouldn’t have a bar of it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllDayRef
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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If Einstein had followed up on his patented design for a kitchen appliance refrigerator

He could have sold millions of them and become a fridge magnate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stcamellia
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2014
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I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.

It feels like only yesterday.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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I decided to make a fortune with a new invention, a pen vending machine!

The patent is "pending"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Howardyoudoing95
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach...

β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2017
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β€œI am irrationally terrified of letters,” my patient told me.

β€œAre you?” I asked. My patent screamed. β€œOhh, I see,” I said. He screamed even louder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aleccV
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Why are melons not allowed to get married in Vegas?

They cantaloupe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maximilian156
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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Grandpa joke

My grandpa told me this joke; mind you, it was in the '90s, before all the computer tech became relevant.

Inventor runs to the patent office:

  • I have a brand new machine idea!
  • What does it do? - asked the official.
  • You know how every man is tired of shaving every single morning? My shaving machine would be placed all over the city, for scruffy lads to just put their heads in the device, and in exchange for a quarter, it would shave their face for them! - replied the inventor.
  • But Sir, every person's face has a different shape!
  • ...At first!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DashcamWarriors
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2015
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Expensive medicine

A pharmaceutical company just patented a medication that regenerates limbs. The problem is it costs an arm and a leg.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/54H60-77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
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A play on words

Play on words: Sexually frustrated sea mammals

     I'm Russ Whale. My wife Bayleen a few months ago gave birth to our first calf, Humphrey. I convinced my mother-in-law to whale watch tonight. It's been far too long. I drop off Humphrey and head home to hook up with the wife. 

I arrive and who do I sealion there? The wife. I'm undeterred. I try my patented move, the Humpback. I get a slight groan.

Bayleen: Rus, Are you poking me in the back again?

Rus: It's on porpoise. We're alone for the first time in forever.

Bayleen: I'm so tired, I haven't got any sleep with Humphrey making me into a nurse shark. Plus you smell like ambergris.

Rus: Hamburgers?

Bayleen: Yes, hamburgers. Please go take a shower or something.

Rus: Ok.

Rus takes a quick shower and returns. Bayleen is asleep again. Rus tries the humpback maneuver again. Nothing.

Rus: Sometimes... I wish I was a sperm whale.

Rus is slightly blubbering and and all you can make outs is odd noises and maybe the word 'blowhole'. Rus cries himself to sleep.

Fin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
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Dad just sprung this one on me

"Hey, I'm going to do some errands."

"Ok sounds good I'll be here"

"Do you know where I'm going to do those errands?"

"No, where?"

"At the Errand Space Museum" and then he did his patented Dad Fake Laugh and walked out the door.

God dammit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheQuakerator
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2014
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Nowhere near original but I got a slow head turn reaction

Girlfriend reading article on phone.

I comment "what is this guy holding in the photo?"

She says "mushrooms"

I said "wow". They were huge mushrooms.

She says "Yeah this guy has found a way to cultivate natural pesticides from fungi and has a patent too"

My response "Wow. He seems like a really fun guy!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_COFFEE_TO_ME
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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Girlfriends grandpa pulled a classic at the dinner table

At the dinner table with girlfriend, her patents, and her Grandparents, eating Chinese. Mother goes "I have some lo-mein if anyone wants any"

And grandpa without missing a second "oh well do yo have any high-mein".

Flawless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roger420
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2014
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