A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
Why did the one FBI agent say to the other?
>!This post has been removed for security reasons!<
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
What did one boob say to another ?
If we don’t get support, they’ll think we’re nuts
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
What did one butt cheek say to the other one?
"If we keep it together, we can stop this shit!"
Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm..one turns to the other and says “what’s your favorite kind of music?”
He replied “I’m a big metal fan!”
I decided to stop walking under billboards after one collapsed on top of me.
I took it as a sign from above.
One astronaut says to another “I can’t find any milk for my coffee”
The other astronaut replies “In space no one can, here use cream”
My calculator only has enough power left to do one calculation
I really have to make it count
Who do the Spice Girls speak to when they have an issue with one another?
I have created living numbers! In fact, one of them is psychic and told me that certain things will continue to happen for a long time.
At least for the four-seeable future.
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
My mother told me she was abandoning the family to go across the world and study yoga. I had only one thing to say to her:
I went to the park the other day and saw a guy flying one of those tiny RC quadcopters.
I asked him about it and that was a mistake.
He just kept droning on and on!
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
From Berlin to Warsaw in one tank
Came up with this one while writing an Undertale fanfic. What did one flower say to the other?
"You better stop your dandelion, or you'll be the baneberry of my existence!"
I got tired trying to think of a good posting title for this one.
No one could figure out who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame.
But Quasimodo had a hunch.
2 muffins baking in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Gosh, it's hot in here". The other replies;
"AAAAHH! TALKING MUFFIN!"
I was trying to make a chemistry joke but all the good ones
While waiting for a school-related live stream, me and my friend decided to throw words at each other and make puns out of them. This is one of my most proudest puns.
What did one fish say to the other fish?
How should I know? I dont speak fish
I dream to be this commenter one day.
I was walking with about 100 cows from one ranch to another and I had to pass through a vineyard so
I herded through the grapevine
Did you know I used to be a Lumber Jack? It was only during one summer, though.
I just couldn't, hack it.
Because I didn't have the, chops.
So they, gave me the axe.
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:
"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."
Since it's International Women's Day, I'd like to point out some inequality: If my wife wears nothing but one of my t-shirts it's cute, but if I wear nothing but one of her t-shirts...
...I have to leave Home Depot.
What did one ocean say to the other?
They didn’t say anything; they just waved.
What did one smoking pipe say to the other smoking pipe?
When is the one time you can't dance to hip hop?
When you're waiting for your hip op
I sent 10 puns to a pun contest, hoping one would win
My grandfather always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”
Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker.
My son came out with this one today; My teacher told me to have a good day...
What did one saggy boob say to the other?
“We gotta start getting some support around here or people are gonna think we’re nuts”
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
2 snowmen out in a field, one turns to the other and says...
I went to a zoo, and it only had one dog.
What's one way to describe a pessimist?
No-one laughs when I respond to "How was the gym?" with
"Heavy."
It's like my jokes carry no weight.
I got home one day and a book was stuck to my toddler
Me: What'd you do today?
My toddler: Nothing
Me: Are you sure about that?
My toddler: That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
Why is it better to screw up on a road you paved than on one someone else paved?
Because it's your own asphalt.
I went to the zoo this weekend and all they had was one dog...
these two wind turbines were standing in the field talking. one says to the other, "what kind of music do you like?" the reply...
What did one eye say to the other eye?
"I think there's something in between us that smells"
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