But on the other hand im fine
I went to my Ear Nose and Throat doctor for sinus infections, migraines, and ringing in my ears. After a battery of tests he took me aside for my diagnosis.
"I am afraid your problems are all in your head."
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโt think theyโll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโt turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโs a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
โEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โThe good news is..itโll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ
Whatโs brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโs tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
โIโll call you later!โ- โPlease donโt do that. Iโve always asked you to call me Dad!โ
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
โMy dad literally told me this one last week: โDid you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โโ
โWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โNo, just leave it in the carton!โโ
I got so angry the other day when I couldnโt find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book Iโve ever read, Iโd say: โWow, thatโs coincidental.โ
Iโm not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build itโs house? Igloos it together.
โMe: โDad, make me a sandwich!โ Dad: โPoof, Youโre a sandwich!โโ
โI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
โHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโre all girls, otherwise theyโd be uncles.โ
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ its pasteurized before you even see it
โWhatโs Forrest Gumpโs password? 1forrest1โ
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โDonโt worry; this is a piece of cake.โ I said: โNo, itโs a math problem.โ
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I donโt play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโm just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit โกI'm trying to get my daughter into Lord of the Rings. I'm watching Return of the King. I thought she'd think the Eye of Sauron would be cool. We watch the scene where Aragorn cuts the head off of the Mouth of Sauron. Without missing a beat she turns to me and says:
"What's next? The nose of Sauron?
So I was at orientation for my new job yesterday. There's 2 people there from the company, and 4 of us new people.
After the orientation is done...
Guy next to me: (silences phone because it's ringing) Sorry... my dad's calling me.
Guy from company: What's he calling you? Mine normally calls me my name.
Guy next to me: That's weird! I thought your name was Mike! Nice to meet you, my name!
Both of them both start to crack. I nearly snort what's left of my kit kat up my nose because I started laughing and the other 3 people there are shaking their heads slowly at us.
Side note: both of them are dads and in their 30's. I'm 21, and not a dad.
Her: >Do doctor's offices allow facial piercings on their employees? I have an interview. Should I remove my lip and nose ring?
Him: >Wow... You can take your lip off????
I was washing dishes and my phone rings. I pull out my phone, and I know the touch screen doesn't work well with wet fingers, so I held the phone to my face and slid my nose across the screen to answer the call. I finish the conversation and press "end call" with my nose. I look up and my dad is looking at me. I ask "impressed?" And my dad replies "well now i know my son nose how to answer the phone while washing dishes"
