I like to buff up on currant events.
“Trump’s Not Down For the Count”
He was charged with bologna-ous assault.
Apparently, only one in seven calls themselves happy
I am trying to keep myself knowlegeable in current events.
Dad said: "Guess you could call him a pop-cicle"
http://imgur.com/a/6XENi
(First time posting here, I hope posting a screenshot/imgur link alone doesn't violate any rules! Thought this would be quite a unique post to contribute to the sub.)
Talk about headline news
Me: It says here white rhinos are now on the endangered species list. Dad: Pretty sure that's by invitation only.
He then laughed for five minutes. Half an hour later, leaving from dinner...he remembered what he said. And laughed again.
It said Trump's first plan of action was to put a ban on all pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
I can get behind that.
Did you guys know that the guy who was recently pepper sprayed by Portland's mayor is a big dairy heir?
She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.
When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a “W.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for “water closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the “W.C.” is located.
The Swiss pastor had never heard of a “W.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled “Wayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:
Ms. Smith,
I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has a maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest you plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.
Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!
It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.
Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.
Sincerely,
Pastor Kurt Meier
This is disconcerting news.
But seriously:
Many years ago, Red Skelton told the following joke using his inebriate character, Willie Lump Lump.
Willie explained to the young lady, “I keep a mongoose in my coat pocket. That way, when I go home after drinking, and there are snakes all over the lawn of my yard, I let the mongoose loose and he kills them all, so it’s safe for me to enter the house.”
The young woman sadly tried to explain, “I’ve got news for you, Mr. Lump Lump, those snakes are imaginary!”
Willie Lump Lump replied, “I’ve got news for you, so is the mongoose!”
http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/willie-lump-lump-and-the-mongoose/
He was all over the news.
sorry, people who have known other people who have been crushed in printing presses
We were watching an article on the news about a door frame manufacturer and I suggested he try there, after all they have lots of openings
(I'll get my coat)
Hope this isn't breaking any rules. If it is, I'll have to get the glue to put them back together.
(Added dad joke for good measure)
Did you see the headline that Genetic Engineers are experimenting with odd combinations of animals in order to come up with new species? This article was talking about people trying to combine a bull with a possum.
While the scientific community is responding with skepticism, I think it's a possum-bull.
We were talking about a news article about a guy who was embezzling money and my cousin says "it gets better, wait until you hear his girlfriend's name, it hilarious" to which my uncle mutters "hmm hilarious? That's a weird name"
He picks up a news article he saved over the years and says "guess by now it's called the olds." Of course followed by the little chuckle to himself.
I was reading through current articles of world news today and came across this relatively lighthearted article. My Father's response made it even better.
Iceland will halt construction of a new road as they have received concerns about the safety of elf habitats.
My father determined that the department responsible for this decision was the "Department of Elf and Safety".
http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-27907358
So we are all standing around eating dessert and my girlfriend is explaining to my dad how she burnt the cookies. I attempt to quell her stresses by telling her "don't worry, me and my dad are crisponians and have a deeper taste for crisp". My father responds with "I may be a crisponian but this might be crisponite". Everyone in the room was laughing except for my 13 year old sister, it was priceless.
This is the same guy that, on a road trip (shortly after the wendy's "finger in chili incident"), was trying to persuade us to visit the establishment whilst passing by. When i said i didn't want to he said "What's the matter don't you like finger food?". He followed up with "Wendy's: We put a little bit of ourselves into everything we make.". And finally simultaneously made every passenger pee their pants when he raised a clenched fist and said "WENDY"S! WERE #1!!".
(Showing me the paper today):
Did you hear about the mobsters arrested for peddling Viagra and Cialis?
It sounds like they were hardened criminals.
I'd been talking with my dad yesterday about the new MacBook, generally making fun of its shortcomings. This morning I got an email from him linking me to this article. Having seen it earlier, I told him "I saw the article this morning! I will continue to not buy anything Apple."
His response: "Yeah, I miss Royal Galas, though."
sigh
