It was very civil engineering…
He's in the serviette union
I told him it was so that I don’t have to wipe later
I assure her it was quilted
Put a little boogie in it.
Dad - Sure, do you want a clean one?
He loves this one. I don't.
We're Jewish if you couldn't tell...
"Jew Eat No Jew"
During lunch, dad takes the blue/white checkered napkins, wraps it around the cat's head and proudly exclaims, "look! Yassir Aracat!"
A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.
The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.
He approaches the panda regardless and asks, “What can I get you?”
The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it and points to a cheeseburger.
The bartender is very impressed by this and so he decides to go ahead and make the cheeseburger for the panda.
The panda gets his cheeseburger, devours it, savoring every last bit. He then wipes its mouth with a napkin, impressing the bartender even more.
But then suddenly the panda pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the bar, except for the bartender.
The bartender stands there in total shock, soaked in blood, and can only ask the panda, “Why?”
The panda pulls a dictionary from his fur coat and turns to the bartender. He flips the book to the P section, places it on the bar, and points to his picture. Then he turns and walks out the door without looking back.
The bartender leans down and reads the entry next to Panda. It says…
“Panda: A wild animal that eats, shoots and leaves.”
They are my napkin
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the shit out of it.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH!"
My 2 year old little girl was sitting at the kitchen table eating her dinner. It was me and my wife and her, just chilling. So, she drops her napkin on the floor and I pick it up and hand it to her, to which she says thank you daddy. So, I ask her if she can say thank you in spanish.
"Thank you daddy, in spanish"
I almost choked on my meal I laughed so hard, and my wife groaned. I have never been prouder.
I picked up the fork and said "wanna fork?" She then picked up a napkin and said "it's napkina happen."
So My roomate invited me to his family Thanksgiving/holiday party yesterday. After dessert we're all sitting around and the children present are being rowdy. My roomate's brother calls them all over to our table and insists on showing them how to make a duck call. He begins ripping apart an empty soda can and wrapping it up in a very complicated fashion with a napkin and a plastic fork. He meticulously takes the top off, makes strips of metal, and winds them into this plastic fork. He carries on like this for about five minutes, the children utterly transfixed, sit watching until his creation is finally "complete". He then holds it up to his mouth, inhales, and shouts: "HERE DUCKY DUCKY DUCKY!!!"
I currently have a very uncomfortable and inflamed bug bite on my foot. This morning while making my coffee, I noticed a fat mosquito walking around on the counter. I called my husband over to kill it.
He grabbed a napkin, killed it, and said, "Wow. That was definitely the Goddess Mosquito."
I obviously asked with genuine curiosity, "What's a Goddess Mosquito?"
"It's the one that got us."
He’s my napkin.
Just got done eating wings with my wife. She asked if she had anything on her face, I paused and said your nose. The guy at the table behind us laughed. I laughed, she was wiping her nose.
She then cussed me and threw her booger napkin at me.
A quaint little men's class,
a few with class,
some smelling of a gin glass,
some with eyes of a lass,
the remainder eyeing a lad,
but all glad,
and all present,
youngster of the present,
bearders of the crescent,
readers new testaments,
preachers of old testaments,
bearers of saffron tenets,
wearers of white tints,
weird lovers of croissant,
well, all here, will all hear?
we never know,
lets look at the show
The English teacher, said,
"how to drink a juice?"
i know, said bart the bartender,
"with vodka and chicken tender"
the weirded beardo now angry,
showed he was a shouter,
wanted to be a bart-ender,
while shushing the crowd,
use a pipe, piped up a voice, loud,
"huh" exclaimed preacher pastor,
"no smoking" he said, showing a guilty fluster ,
"no sir" said the voice,
I'm extra maker,
spoke the voice quicker,
Mr.White scratching head,
"I'm an ex-straw maker",
the air cleared.
Proceeding further, Teacher continued,
the class was listening, eyes glued,
"etiquette is important" he said,
"wear napkin before eating",
their faces changed,
pulse now beating,
Mr.White said, "sir, we don't bleed",
an irritated saffron Sundar spoke,
"if you bleed, education you don't need"
the English sir, now a sundered bloke,
calmed the masked fish market,
as his God's fate chisel hammered,
"Do you know how to fork?" he stammered,
a brief silence, and too many whispers later
"I Pen is use sir", said a bright face,
"Do you know how to use a fork?" he corrected,
with damage now done, Silence resumed.
My boyfriend wanted a protein shake and was asked me to make one. I was stalling a little bit and my son piped in "You gotta scare her first" we said what? "That's how you make a shake". I was laughing and so my son decided to keep going. He said "How do you make a napkin dance?" "You put a lil boogie in it" at that point I groaned. My boyfriend said "Quit while you are ahead" my son replied "But I'm a body"
Well, obviously they're napkin.
Him: shovels spaghetti into gob using both hands, smearing spaghetti, olive oil and garlic all over his face
Me: “Well now you’ve gotta pasta face and pasta fingers, I guess I gotta pasta napkin”
My wife: Eye roll
Okay so I get off at 4:00 and I didn't waste any time leaving the office. Shut down my computer, grabbed my keys, and I was on the road by 4:05. It had been a pretty crazy day and I was ready to get home.
As I'm driving home I notice I'm running on Empty. I probably could have made it home but I was really craving a Coca Cola so I decide to stop at the nearest gas station.
Anyways I'm filling my tank I see an old lady a few gas pumps away putting gas in her old beat up station wagon but didn't really think anything of it and just continued to enjoy my icey cold Coca Cola.
Next thing I know I see this old lady holding the gas pump nozzle spewing gas everywhere. I guess she had taken the nozzle out of the vehicle w out disengaging the automatic trigger or whatever but it went EVERYWHERE. Her car, her arms, the ground, all over the place and by the time she got that thing to stop spraying there was at least a gallon of gas everywhere.
So I immediately run over to see if she's okay and she smells like straight up gas. I gave her napkins to dry off her hands and to clean what gas was spilled on the car. She said she was okay and thanked me for my help so I leave and head home.
So now I'm a few blocks from home, driving over the last hill right before my next turn and all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, she comes flyin past me in that same old beat up station wagon with, I shit you not, her arm CAUGHT ON FIRE. And as if that's not bad enough there are two cops right behind her in hot pursuit. So while I'm freaking out trying to pull over to the side she zooms past so fast I barely catch a glimpse of her frantically flailing her arm out the window as they all go over the hill.
At that point couldn't believe what I was seeing it was just too crazy. So I quickly get back on the road and make my way over the hill and I spot her. She's pulled over in the emergency lane. I see the same old lady being handcuffed and put in the back of the squad car.
Yeah turns out she was arrested for waiving a fire arm in public.
This is a prank my dad used to pull, and I look forward to doing it one day.
When at a party, my dad would always take a few insignificant things. A knife, a spoon, a cloth napkin maybe a magazine. A week or so later he would mail it back to them with a note that read...
"I'm so sorry. My wife is a kleptomaniac and I found these in her purse. She is working hard on it, please keep this between us."
So I am staying in Germany with a host family. I know little German and we all went out for lunch. I was looking at the seafood section and I took forever in deciding what I wanted, going back and forth between the salmon and the sea bass. I finally decided on the sea bass, and we order our food.
So some restaurants in Germany are a lot more casual than American restaurants, and you sometimes seat yourself and the waiter/waitress will bring the silverware and napkins to you later. So when I saw the waiter bring over a plate with silverware and napkins on it, he placed it in front of me, to which I naturally said:
"Well, I could have sworn I ordered the sea bass."
My host family literally died laughing.
Whenver I ask my dad for anything this would be his response:
Me: "Hey dad, could you pass me a napkin?"
Him: "I sure can!" (Followed by a stare and no movement)
Me: "So can I get that napkin?"
Him: "You most definitely can"
It was the greatest mixture of annoyance and dad humor that used to urk me to no end but looking back at it one that I will definitely use on my kids.
My son is 14 but he still picks his nose. A lot. He also eats it after. A lot. Grosses me out to the extreme, so I rib him about it hoping he'll stop, even using bribery, but no progress yet.
A couple of nights ago I saw him doing it again out of the corner of my eye, then he suddenly got up and ran into the kitchen for a napkin. Yup, bloody nose, no surprise there.
"Find what you were digging for?" I asked him.
"No," he says. "I was digging for gold but struck oil."
My dad had some icing from cinnamon rolls on his hand, so when he went to give me my gift (bike), he got some of the icing on it.
Me: "Dad, can you get me a napkin or something to wipe the icing off?"
Dad: "Why? You got a pretty sweet ride!"
GF's text autocorrected to: "I'm so glad we're dining this together, I would be a mess without you."
Me: "Are those lyrics from the hit song 'Love letter to a napkin'?".
I could feel her eye roll and groan from 5 hours away.
And we found ourselves more interested in the napkin dispenser than we probably should have. It occurred to us that there was an industry in these dispensers, and we should join it and crush the competition.
I quipped, "Yes. We need to make our own napkin empire, and beat the Ottoman Empire."
She said that joke could and should become famous.
Wife: Can you pass me a napkin?
Me: Sure, but I'll have to eat it first.
After throwing down his napkin after we all finish the last of the pizza..."Well, we wiped that out like a dirty asshole!" Mom just shakes her head.