Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues.
The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his tea before it was cool 😎
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I didn't mean to harm Monica.
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
A comedian would do a set, each show, where he sprinted to either side of the stage with his mouth tied up.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
A man leaps into the Doctor's office, flashlight in his mouth, both hands behind his back, screaming "It's the mawkew! Oh God the Mawkew!!...
...I fell on my awt supplies and it went stwaight up my wectum"
Several bodies have been found with Cheerios in their mouths.
Police are investigating. They suspect it's a serial killer.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool.
🤦🏻♂️
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera
I was singing in the shower tonight when I unexpectedly got some soap in my mouth.
Suddenly it became a soap opera.
Why should you use your mouth to paint woodwork?
"He's the most foul mouthed person to ever live!" screamed the scientist who cloned himself and later tried to throw the clone off the roof.
He was arrested for attempting to make an obscene clone fall.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: "For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…"
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
The title, no mouth equals no words.
My brother told his son to take the crayon out of his mouth...
...unless he wanted the Crayola Virus.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?
My husband was running his mouth the other day, talking so much crap at me.
I asked him if he was a mushroom?
"No??"
"Because you're being really shit-talky right now"
One of my proudest moments
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him...
...and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner”
I own a fish that can talk.
I asked him, "What lights up your night?"
He said " Blub"
Sorry, he's a bit dyslexic.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
How do you get money into your mouth?
My wife told me I needed to grow up, I was speechless.
It’s hard to talk when you have 45 gummy bears stuffed in your mouth
Can someone tell me if it's true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up?
Awaiting a reply with baited breath...
Why did the pizza break the roof of the hipsters mouth.
Hit bit into it before it was cool.
Whenever someone suggests I try bondage I tell them I can't because the thing I put in my mouth keeps escaping.
Why did the man open his mouth in front of the bulb?
He was advised to have light meals only.
Had some dental work done today. Dentist gave me the anesthetic and asked how my mouth felt.
what do you say to someone with Oedipus complex who curses to much?
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Cheesin’
My girlfriend and I opened a new pack of pre-sliced cheese. As we’re munching, I hold my mouth in pain and say “Ow!” She asked what was wrong and I said, “Well no wonder my mouth hurts, the package says this is extra sharp cheddar.” She was not amused
They always said if I wanted to make a difference, I should put my money where my mouth is.
I can really taste the change.
What do you call an insect born without a mouth?
My wife gets mad when I play PS4 online and don't watch my mouth.
She says I need to go PC.
Which Appliance has the most foul mouth?
The Washing machines it has Loads.
What’s the most effective marketing strategy to sell audio books?
Fiji is so delicious, it’s mouth watering.
Why was the toilet kicked out of class?
The best safe word a person can use is 'Meatloaf'….
Cos I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.
His mouth may fall... a-gate.
I got stopped for "weaving while driving".
The policeman put a device in my mouth. After a pause he said, "Blow?"
"If you've got some, yes please," I replied.
The word "ejaculate" sure is a mouthful.
A bug flew into my mouth
Oh heck what's the name of it? it's on the tip of my tongue...
What do you call a foul-mouthed dessert?
What do you call a dinosaur with gum disease?
My face says a lot because that's where my mouth is.
I just caught my son eating some random thing off the floor
...and I shout at him, “HEY! What is that in your mouth!?!” And he smiles at me and says with the sweetest voice, “teeth.”
🤦♂️
Does this make him the dad now?
Don't you love it when it's a hot summer day and you take a drink of water? Your mouth feels like it's finally reach salvation.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
I let my buddy try these special glasses that let you visualize the words that come out of someone's mouth.
"Whoa", he replied, "I see what you're saying".
Out of curiosity, I very quietly slipped an old Tic Tac into my mouth.
It was a silent expired mint.
My friend told me yesterday that a bird shit in his mouth.
I don't believe him. Because he's full of shit.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Who did the hipster burn his mouth
He ate the pizza before it was cool
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool
I accidentally sprayed deodorant my mouth this morning.
So every time I talk I have this weird axe scent.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a Soap Opera
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
why did the hipster burn his mouth
he drank the coffee before it was cool
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Singing in the shower is always fun until you get soap in your mouth
Then it just turns into a soap opera
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth
Then it just becomes a soap opera
Why did the hipster burn is mouth?
Because he sipped his coffee before it was cool.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his soup before it was cool.
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