...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...
A cereal killer.
It's a not-for-prophet organization.
Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked “what’s wrong?”
The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, “you can talk?”
“Yes” the well said, “long ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns people”
“Alas” the woman said, “I am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.”
“Do not be afraid” the well said, “I will take care of this.”
The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.
See moral above for the pun...
It doesn’t succumb to pier pressure.
I told her she should probably talk to a priest instead.
Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too
She felt it was her Civic duty
I’ve just put one on and can only manage 7
The moral is read-iculus.
(For all my Phans out there)
Guard - I am not mad. I am just.....disappointed.
Moral - DONT LET YIUR GUARD DOWN
It’s over a mile long
...and right now, I literally Kant even.
The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.
The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
Good Moral Fiber.
My Step dad told me this one about 25 years ago (I was around 12?) and I've loved it, and dad jokes, ever since.....
A guy named Benny was walking down the beach when he found a magic lamp.
When he rubbed the lamp, a genie came out and said he got three wishes. However, he must agree to never shave again. If he did, he would become an urn.
Benny wished for riches, women and a VERY long life.
Years upon years had passed; and Benny's beard was so long it was difficult to manage. He decided that surely the genie who had granted his wishes so long ago had forgotten about him, and so he shaved his beard off.
He was an urn.
What's the moral of the story?
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat
What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?
Whose dean’s he?
A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:
“Ab rack and dab rack”
What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?
Slight of hand
The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked “birthday,” and said:
“Pick a card, any card”
The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:
In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.
Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.
One day he sat on his green couch and turned on his green TV to watch a green western. And it was a great green western too.
When the green western was over, the green man turned the green TV off and decided to go for a nice relaxing green bath.
He left the green lounge, turned off the green lights and travelled along the green hall, up the green stairs and to the green bathroom.
In the green bathroom he turned on the green light and turned the green tap to make the green water fill up the green bath tub.
The green man got changed from his green clothes and was left in the green. He dipped his green toe in to the green water to check the temperature, then he slowly lowered his whole green self in to the green bath.
No sooner had his green bottom touched the base of the green tub then the green doorbell went. He heaved his green body out of the green tub and quickly wrapped a green towel around his green waist.
He went down the green stairs to the green door and opened it. Standing there in front of his green house was an elderly lady, she asked the directions to local train station. The green man forgot about the green towel situation and with the green hand that was on the green towel pointed in the direction of the trains.
In doing so he dropped his green towel to his green ankles, revealing his green privates. The elderly lady shrieked turned and ran across the road, where she was struck by a passing car.
And kids what's the moral of the story? . . . . . Don't cross the road while the green man's flashing
Because the moral of the story is >!"Everything will work out in the end... once you deal with the Dam problem!"!<
They live under Iraq...
They would have called him Kilometers Morales.
Three guys walk into a pink hotel, they go threw a pink door, it's the pink reception desk and sign into the pink book. The lady dressed in pink walks them up the pink stairs, down a pink hall then gives them the pink keys to their pink rooms. They all walk into their pink room, put their suitcases down on the pink carpet, then place their clothes in a pink cupboard. They have a bath in their pink shower and dry themselves with the pink towels. They finally go to sleep in the pink beds. They wake in the morning and go downstairs to have breakfast. They have their pink bowls, pink cups and pink cutlery. When they are asked what they want for breakfast one man says he will have weatbix and the other two say they want cornflakes. Once they are finished their food, they pack their suitcases up and leave the pink hotel. The moral of this story is that two out of three people prefer cornflakes...
The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut.
When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then, the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king and killed him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.
Once there was this farmer and he had this dream of having a duck. Then one day he saw this duck and started to chase it. He chased it all throughout the farmland. He chased it through a forest. He chased it past a river. All his life, he spent chasing this duck but he never caught it. He died all alone, old and hungry and without the duck. See, the duck represents your dreams, and the other opportunities, they represent other opportunities. So the moral of the story? Don't go chasing water fowls.
Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken. Hing immediately went back to the university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.
Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!!
Ming, aware of his brother’s lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of leaves, and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.
Moral: All of Hing’s courses, and all of Ming’s kin; couldn’t make gum tea re-feather a hen!
So a black sheep took it upon himself to run into the woods to stop the birds. And it worked! The moral of the story? Lonely ewe can prevent forest flyers.
An ancient Babylonian general was involved in a plot to overthrow the king. But, the plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail.
The general managed to escape and he fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away to meet his followers. Unfortunately, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure his men would find the right one. So, the fugitive general lit a small fire to signal them.
The other generals of the king's army saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and they rushed over and killed him.
The moral of the story?
The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.
However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.
However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.
The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.
Younger one says, “I t’s getting cold, can we light a fire?” The older one says“no” The evening approaches and the young one again asks, “can we light a fire?” But the older one declines. They stop for the night and the young Inuit asks if they can light a fire, because is getting very cold. But the older one says “no” again and goes to sleep. The young one sneakily lights a fire and the kayak burns down.
Moral of the story: you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
My teacher asked us if we knew about bodyless disease, where you're born with only a head and no body.
He said he knew a kid who had it and that every morning his mom would get him up and put him on the window sill to watch the kids playing outside. Then at the end of the day she would always carry him back into bed and he would wish that he had a body every night. One day he woke up and he had a body! He was so excited that he ran out of the house to play with the kids and immediately got hit by a car and killed.
My teacher then said "The moral of the story is: quit while you're ahead"
Groans were heard from miles away.
So this group of Irish monks needs to make payments on their belfry, and they've begun to run out of money, so after racking their brains for a few nights, and trying everything they could to get some cash together, they decide to sell flowers to make money. For weeks they sell flowers, and it's going well. Too well in fact, they've begun to run the local florist, Patty O'Flannigan out of town. Well, a bit cheesed at the monks jumping in on his territory, he decides to confront them. He asks them to step off, politely, but they simply respond that, "That's no way to talk to men of God!", and throw him out of their monastery. For weeks this goes on, the monks selling flowers, and the florist getting more and more desperate to make them stop. Finally, he goes to Hugh Mactaggart, the biggest, baddest man in town -- he could get anyone to leave town -- so Patty decides he's the best way to get rid of the monks, gives him the rest of the money, and retires to bed, wary of the results. In the morning, a knock on his door reveals Mactaggart, offering a firm handshake and saying, "They shant be botherin' ya again Patty." The moral of the story is, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase.