I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also...

...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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What kind of murderer has moral fiber?

A cereal killer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ribdunge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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My friend is pastor of a church that has no divine historical figures with extraordinary spiritual and moral insight...

It's a not-for-prophet organization.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked β€œwhat’s wrong?”

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, β€œyou can talk?”

β€œYes” the well said, β€œlong ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns people”

β€œAlas” the woman said, β€œI am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.”

β€œDo not be afraid” the well said, β€œI will take care of this.”

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManGood2002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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Wholesome story with a moral, featuring the C programming language reddit.com/r/ProgrammerDa…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/citewiki
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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How do you know if a dock has good morals?

It doesn’t succumb to pier pressure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikeywebs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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My wife wanted me to be there for her operation to provide "moral support"

I told her she should probably talk to a priest instead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/perry-d-astor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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The Moral Of The Story (Pun Collection) slatestarcodex.com/2016/1…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Escapement
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2016
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What do you call a pear with loose morals?

A prostifruit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klee23
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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Inches morales
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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What did Obi Wan say to Luke when he was dating morally questionable women?

Your thots will betray you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelc84
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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A man was walking along a stream..

... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.

Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.

He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.

His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.

Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.

This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.

The moral of this story?

Don't judge a brook by it's clover.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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I also knew someonewho felt morally obligated to drive an economy sized Honda

She felt it was her Civic duty

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arthurdent6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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Once upon a time in the jungle...

Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story is… wait for it…

He who lives in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pirate-Frog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!

Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redirishlad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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A Harper Lee novel on trial refused to open up about their case case, but was still judged by it's cover.

Moral of the story... Don't kill animals.

Edit: remove one case

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevographic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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The man and the silver screw.

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jj8o8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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Kilometer Morales
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClubTactical
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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These push up bras are rubbish

I’ve just put one on and can only manage 7

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGinuineOne
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Miles morales has a really long name

It’s over a mile long

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattoo-matte
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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Anyone read the Helping Friendly Book written by Iculus.

The moral is read-iculus.

(For all my Phans out there)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AshiGoshi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Prisoner - I am sorry. I tried to escape

Guard - I am not mad. I am just.....disappointed.

Moral - DONT LET YIUR GUARD DOWN

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Writing a paper on whether the Categorical Imperative and Rule Utilitarianism are functionally different and which offers a better understanding of morality...

...and right now, I literally Kant even.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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What do you call philosophers having a debate on morality?

Moral Kombat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Supernova008
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.

The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.

The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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What do you call it when Apple forces children in China to work for minimum wage?

iMoral

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zak-Ive-Reddit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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What's the city in Pakistan where high Tibetan monks are judged based on their morality called?

IsLamaBad?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kamehamehaa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
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The One That Made Me Love Dad Jokes

My Step dad told me this one about 25 years ago (I was around 12?) and I've loved it, and dad jokes, ever since.....

A guy named Benny was walking down the beach when he found a magic lamp.

When he rubbed the lamp, a genie came out and said he got three wishes. However, he must agree to never shave again. If he did, he would become an urn.

Benny wished for riches, women and a VERY long life.

Years upon years had passed; and Benny's beard was so long it was difficult to manage. He decided that surely the genie who had granted his wishes so long ago had forgotten about him, and so he shaved his beard off.

POOF!!

He was an urn.

What's the moral of the story?

A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CandyceCox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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Woke up with this joke from a dream I had last night. β€œWhat personality trait is the most cleansing?”

Good Moral Fiber.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lefthandedfreak
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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My friend has been learning magic as a quarantine hobby. I present to you: my oc list of magician jokes and puns I invented to annoy him.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

β€œAb rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked β€œbirthday,” and said:

β€œPick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nsk09003
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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What is Spider-Man’s name in England?

Kilometers Morales

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mush_Tilly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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Just finished watching Frozen 2 with my kids. I am convinced a Dad came up with the plot.

Because the moral of the story is >!"Everything will work out in the end... once you deal with the Dam problem!"!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LitterDuck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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Why is Saudi Arabia so technologically far behind?

They live under Iraq...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_ME_DRUMSETS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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What if Spiderman was from London instead of NY?

They would have called him Kilometers Morales.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sagarkaniche
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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3 guys walk into a pink hotel

Three guys walk into a pink hotel, they go threw a pink door, it's the pink reception desk and sign into the pink book. The lady dressed in pink walks them up the pink stairs, down a pink hall then gives them the pink keys to their pink rooms. They all walk into their pink room, put their suitcases down on the pink carpet, then place their clothes in a pink cupboard. They have a bath in their pink shower and dry themselves with the pink towels. They finally go to sleep in the pink beds. They wake in the morning and go downstairs to have breakfast. They have their pink bowls, pink cups and pink cutlery. When they are asked what they want for breakfast one man says he will have weatbix and the other two say they want cornflakes. Once they are finished their food, they pack their suitcases up and leave the pink hotel. The moral of this story is that two out of three people prefer cornflakes...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flurowolf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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The king of a small African nation...

The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut.

When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then, the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king and killed him.

The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken. Hing immediately went back to the university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!!

Ming, aware of his brother’s lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of leaves, and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.

Moral: All of Hing’s courses, and all of Ming’s kin; couldn’t make gum tea re-feather a hen!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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All my dad jokes come with TLC

Once there was this farmer and he had this dream of having a duck. Then one day he saw this duck and started to chase it. He chased it all throughout the farmland. He chased it through a forest. He chased it past a river. All his life, he spent chasing this duck but he never caught it. He died all alone, old and hungry and without the duck. See, the duck represents your dreams, and the other opportunities, they represent other opportunities. So the moral of the story? Don't go chasing water fowls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KarlBar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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Hundreds of birds came from the woods and were harassing sheep grazing in the fields.

So a black sheep took it upon himself to run into the woods to stop the birds. And it worked! The moral of the story? Lonely ewe can prevent forest flyers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/speedpetez
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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An ancient Babylonian general was involved in a plot to overthrow the king...

An ancient Babylonian general was involved in a plot to overthrow the king. But, the plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail.

The general managed to escape and he fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away to meet his followers. Unfortunately, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure his men would find the right one. So, the fugitive general lit a small fire to signal them.

The other generals of the king's army saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and they rushed over and killed him.

The moral of the story?

The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notyourreality
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
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Guilty as charged

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
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Important safety warning!

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkBrokeMyPots
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
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Two Inuits in a kayak.

Younger one says, β€œI t’s getting cold, can we light a fire?” The older one saysβ€œno” The evening approaches and the young one again asks, β€œcan we light a fire?” But the older one declines. They stop for the night and the young Inuit asks if they can light a fire, because is getting very cold. But the older one says β€œno” again and goes to sleep. The young one sneakily lights a fire and the kayak burns down.

Moral of the story: you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rigatavr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
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What kind of murderer has moral fiber?

A cereal killer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fanny_O_Rear
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2016
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