One for the intellectuals (and the kitchen-dwellers). Digital scales are so fragile.

I can tare them with one finger. I am SO sorry everyone have a great day.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Will_MMIV
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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IntellectuaL or something like that IDK I'm not that smart
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zeek1999
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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How does an intellectual pirate board a ship?

With a grappling book

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ChrisMentink
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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So i posted this OC in r/jokes a while ago and it only got 2 upvotes. Hoping you intellectuals will appreciate it more ....... Why do environmentalists iron their clothes?

To decrease the materials being used.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/M1zchL
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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Only intellectuals will understand
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/stampylongnosefan1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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What can you call a German intellectual that you should never call a Scotsman?

A right proper Kant.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Factorialsexciteme
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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I am a tent intellectual

and i'm constantly surrounded by simple-tents.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheZeldaCola
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2019
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How do pirates denote their intellectual properties?

ยฎ

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mr_Tengu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
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What do you call a thought that costs money?

An idEA

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/herbieismyhamster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Blaming a problem on a single variable is intellectually dishonest and stupid

However it's definitely the government's fault that people think this way.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheOmerAngi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100ยฐ temperature...

You will be mist.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/--Giraffe--
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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He did get one
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/firemanjoe911
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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My wife: for 7 months pregnant my belly looks small

Me, an intellectual: Yeah! Not as apparent.

P.S. Happened for real. She laughed and playfully hit me for pulling such a sneaky on her.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/math-pro
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 26 2020
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all puns in r/puns donโ€™t have parents

only intellectuals will understand

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mitama_The_Oracle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.

Itโ€™s always the centre of a tension.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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A fruity math pun imgur.com/6Lrbkga
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/N-Slash
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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My neighbor got a patent on his smart home and thought provoking landscaping.

It's his intellectual property.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/earth_humanoid
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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Literally just got this from my father please help

โ€œHey dad I got A sub today so I we can talk about getting that car

Father a true intellectual โ€œMachine gun or sandwichโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/westin02
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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A quote from George W Bush

Those stories about my intellectual capacity do get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, โ€œIntelligence briefing.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ryzikx
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
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SO's dad and the topic of Miley Cyrus

Not my dad, but my SO's father is both a religious man and an intellectual, so pop culture is really not his thing.

However, whenever someone even mentions Miley Cyrus, he bursts into song, singing "I came in like a wreeeeeeecking baaaaall, 'cause I have no taleeeeeeeent at aaaaall." Then he just sits and waits for the applause.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/flustercustard
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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My sister told me this

My sister works as a social worker dealing with adults with intellectual disabilities. This happened today.

The staff was talking to the clients about food and fast food chains.

Staff: Where is your favorite place to get your fried chicken from?

Client: From my plate.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kuebic
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
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My grandfather felt the need to explain us who exactly "Jack Schitt" is and how much we REALLY don't know him.

For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my personal genealogy research efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JaeqPiegDeivys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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The "Philogelos" is a collection of ancient Roman dad jokes

"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:

  • A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"

  • When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.

  • A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"

  • A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"

  • A boy had been at a wedding-reception. As he was leaving, he said: "What a wonderful ceremony! I pray that your next marriages are as enjoyable as this one."

  • A man met his friend in the street, who said: "Congratulations! I hear that you've got a new baby boy!" The man replied: "Indeed, but I'm still trying to find the father!"

  • A man saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the man asked: "So is she your daughter?"

  • A man was being heckled by a friend: "I had your wife, without paying a dime!" The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'

  • An incompetent schoolteacher was asked who the mother of Priam was. Not knowing the answer, he said: "Well, I suppose it's polite to call her Ma'am."

  • A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "Ah, then you must have no clue who your real father is!"

  • A misogynist paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?," he replied: "Me, at last!"

You can find more here and [here](http://publishing.y

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AttalusPius
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2016
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Got my job trainer while learning the ropes.

Recently hired into a job where part of my duties will involve managing finances for individuals with intellectual disabilities. Trainer started going over all the ethical hoops we have to jump to.

"Man, they've got all sorts of checks and balances."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Falkynbird
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 23 2015
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