(Bear with me its a long setup) A frog walks into a bank and asks a woman named Patricia Whack for a loan. "My father is Mick Matter" he says, placing a ceramic elephant on the counter. Patricia goes to her boss and tells him the story, asking "what is this?" And placing the elephant on his desk.
The man replies " It's A knicknack, patty whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone (also I meant Mick jagger my autocorrect sucks balls)
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
An ice cube is widely used to show the changes of matter.
What’s the difference between the police response to Black Lives Matter protests and their response to the Capitol Hill riots?
Well, it’s black and white.
If the Scottish and the Irish went to war, no matter the victor, both sides would have kilt it.
The owner of the Indianpolis Colts will be in trouble if he has to speak in court, because no matter what he says the judge will think...
In Illinois, it's illegal to have legal possesion over fecal matter of any sort.
Can't have shit in Detroit.
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......
No matter what I do, I just can’t seem to master the entire alphabet.
No matter how many times she tried, Sherlock Holmes' wife could never convince him to grow fond of her pet duck.
He was a master of the duck shun.
No matter what I do I can't get these pests to leave my house...
I was just trying to enjoy a day out on the lake. No matter where you are, you can never escape the puns.
To all the women out there who say size doesn’t matter:
You are all extremely shallow
I explained to my wife, "Darling, it doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, my point is..."
"You need to buy a different size bra!"
Getting to the meat of the matter
No matter how we pitched the human organs to the other team, they'd swing and miss...
They didn't even bat an eye.
No matter how hard I study farming and angles, I’m doomed to be an amateur.
I’ll never be a protractor.
Happy Father's Day applies to all humans and animals as well. But apparently it doesn't matter to elephants.
For them, it's irrelephant.
My son said "What's the matter?" to me today.
I said, "Everything except energy."
Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:
"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."
Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.
I just read a story about a man whose shirt always comes back to him no matter what he does to it
Whether you think this is funny doesn't really matter to me.
https://preview.redd.it/ue43eeuu5ma21.jpg?width=800&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c0d727bcb5692f3872511c2f89def1a121b319b4
No matter how attractive you may find him/her, never ask a photographer to step into a dark room and see what develops.
The answer is almost always in the negative. (Yes, it's a bad pun--enough to make you shutter.)
Dad got me with a bit of wisdom: No matter how much you try to push the envelope...
...it'll always be stationery.
How do you listen to matters of love?
TIL: The new popular therapy technique calls to express anger at everything, no matter how small the issue may be.
I was in a really bad mood earlier because my wife accused me of always trying to turn everything in to a joke. After hours of awkward silence, she finally gave in and asked, "What's the matter!?"
I replied, "It's the basic structural component of the universe..."
No matter what doctor I go to for a checkup, they always hit me in the knee.
I think they just get a kick out of it.
When I went to Germany, No matter what I ordered, it was always some type of sausage
But hey , it could have been wurst
No matter which delivery option you choose you'll have to wait a while for coffee.
It's always ground shipping.
what animal can make your house cat come to you no matter where they are in the house?
It doesn't matter if you give it to Sharon or Karen
I had an argument with a German football player in a pub. I was about to insult him on a touchy matter, but i restrained myself.....
As i walked back home, i realised that was a Klose call. It would have been at all time Löw for me if I hadn't restrained myself.
Edit: Americans will have this to translate to American
No matter how kind you raise your children to be...
German children are kinder.
What did mind say to matter?
My daughter was born today. She had to come out no matter what.
She was running out of womb.
One of my friends doesn't understand logarithms no matter how I try to explain it to them...
They're having an exponential crisis.
Since the combination to a combination lock matters, shouldn't it be called a permutation lock?
Lots of discussion regarding energy. But I have to ask, does energy even matter?
Yes energy matters, but only if you you divide it by the speed of light squared.
No matter what music Santa listens to. It all sleighs him.
Told this to my daughter. She then squirts me with a squirt gun we use to keep the dogs from barking.
"Chipotle is going to stop serving some of its pork because of the bad treatment of pigs? Doesn't matter. Those pigs are bread to die"
Those pigs aren't bread, they're pork.
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