“Can you help me with the curtains? I need to make sure the carpet matches the drapes.”
And THAT is a sexual in-your-window!
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture... I told her I’m just looking for matches.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
Did you hear about the new dating site that matches women up with construction workers?
It's called Studfinder.
My son asked why I keep a box of matches in the fridge
I told him it's for when I want to have a light snack
How do you light a cigar if you don't have any matches?
Just cut a bit off the end, it will become a little lighter.
I heard Santa was handing out matches instead of coal this year
Because they’re a little lighter.....
The Belorussian Premier League is the only Football league in Europe still playing matches, despite the COVID-19 pandemic.
I heard the atmosphere in their stadiums is contagious.
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.
Now I don't need the lighter.
I googled "how to start a wildfire". I got 48,500 matches
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
How do owls decide the winner of drawn football matches?
With a penalty hootout.
My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during women’s matches.
I told her I’ll try not doing it again.
Matches are good! reddit.com/r/oneliners/co…
What do you call a dating app that matches people by their leg preferences?
Tinderloin
A tiny hamlet in my county burned down completely because a kid was playing with matches.
It takes a child to raze a village.
I was complaining to my dad that I had forgotten my matches after pulling my cigarettes from my pocket.
He said if you take one from the box and throw it away, it will become a cigaret lighter.
Why did the mountaineer bring a zippo instead of matches?
Because it was a little lighter!
The best life advice I ever received was from a box of matches
Keep in a dry place, away from children.
I heard that recent tennis matches had some issues
But they were fixed.
Matches Burn Twice (a bit long for a dad joke)
Dad: "You ever see a match burn twice?"
Me: "No, how?"
Dad: lights match "Burns once" blows it out and pokes me with it "Burns twice"
