My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Feb 26 2020
Why did the priest give massages to all the corpses he prayed over?
Because he was also a neck-romancer.
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 14 2021
My wife is studying to become a massage therapist
All she wants to do is study and practice. Iβve got to cook; Iβve got to clean. Itβs tough.
But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
My massage therapist got fired...
I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Jun 25 2020
My cat came up to me and meowed imploringly then started massaging my leg with its paws...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
I got into this huge fight with my chiropractor half way through my neck massage.
Now I have to keep looking over my shoulder.
π︎ 47
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︎ Dec 05 2020
Foot massages,
they're good for the sole.
π︎ 21
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︎ Dec 17 2020
My boyfriend gave me a butt massage today, but only focused on one cheek...
π︎ 133
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︎ Jul 24 2020
How would I describe the massage I had today?
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 28 2020
The most expensive massage parlors make you feel the most energized
π︎ 7
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︎ Jun 28 2020
I hear some US states are considering reopening massage parlors. There's no happy ending in this scenario.
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 23 2020
Iβm not sure if I like my massage therapist.
She just rubs me the wrong way.
π︎ 30
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︎ Feb 24 2020
When I'm really feeling stressed out, I massage auto parts to relax...
Sometimes, I just knead a brake.
π︎ 3
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︎ May 21 2020
A little boy watched, fascinated as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing that on your face, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful!" said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"
π︎ 12
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︎ Mar 15 2020
Today my wife offered to give me a massage after I came home from work.
π︎ 181
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︎ Aug 03 2019
This happened during my massage today
Massage Therapist: (Going over where is and isn't okay to massage) And where do you stand on your glutes?
Me: Well normally I sit on them but you're free to massage them.
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 24 2019
Been thinking about starting a massage parlore that is also a bakery
Gonna name it Head, Shoulders, Kneeds, and Doughs
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 18 2019
So I went to get a massage and I didn't really like the guy giving the massage,
I don't know I guess he just rubbed me the wrong way.
π︎ 17
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︎ Oct 11 2019
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...
...Since she can't look sideways anyways...
π︎ 81
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︎ Mar 05 2019
What do you call a massage therapist who hates women?
π︎ 210
π
︎ Jul 26 2017
What do you call a massage from a cow?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 14 2019
A chiropractorβs sign at an event reads βfree chair massageβ.
βChair massages? I wouldβve brought mine in if I knew ahead of time.β
π︎ 23
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︎ Sep 16 2018
I was about to try this new massage parlor that just opened but..
I figured I'd wait until they work out all the kinks.
π︎ 5
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︎ May 22 2019
During my massage the therapist yanked my foot.
I couldn't tell if it was part of the massage or if she was just pulling my leg.
π︎ 20
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︎ Mar 02 2019
Where does a meatball go to get a massage?
π︎ 14
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︎ Jan 21 2019
Out of the blue, I decided to take my wife to a commercial establishment offering health and beauty treatment through such means as steam baths, exercise equipment, and massage
You could say the decision was pretty spa-radic
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 12 2019
I was feeling tense so my girlfriend sent me a .gif to help.
π︎ 5
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︎ Oct 29 2020
Why did Robert Kraft (owner of the New England Patriots) get a happy ending at a massage parlor in Florida???
To get his balls deflated.
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 22 2019
What do you call a massage therapist who believes men are inherently better than women?
π︎ 186
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︎ Sep 30 2016
My wife was reading an article about baby massages
Me: Do you think they work?
Her: I'm not sure.
Me: I don't think their fingers are strong enough.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jan 15 2018
Family and I are at the country fair when daughter number 2 notices a cow being massaged.
Daughter #2: Dad you know why we shouldn't buy milk from that cow?
Me: "No sweetheart why"?
Daughter #2: "With a snicker". "Because it's spoiled"!
My wife: "Groan".
Daughter #3: "Mooooooooo".
Edit: Quotes as requested.
π︎ 43
π
︎ Aug 20 2017
There was some baby massage oil in the supermarket.
Impressive, I thought. I'm 25 and I don't know how to do a massage.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 27 2018
I like to sneak up behind women and give them massages
The ladies love it - they call me a massage-inist
-RIP Papa Franku
π︎ 12
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︎ May 13 2018
If you think men are better than women at giving fortunetellers backrubs, thatβs massage a mystic.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 11 2018
Not many people knew that the spa is closed
A lot of them didnβt get the massage.
π︎ 19
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︎ Jun 28 2020
My wife has been asking for massages...
My wife is pregnant and one of the big things to prepare for labor and birth is relaxation and massage. She's always saying "rub me, please", or "do you want to rub me?"
I'll always tell her "I do rub you, I rub you a rot."
π︎ 118
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︎ Nov 06 2013
Did he ever say no homo?
π︎ 57
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︎ Jan 12 2020
The man wanted to hit the complaint button during his massage but it was just out of reach
He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but she really rubbed him the wrong way.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 11 2018
I got a massage today. I think the masseuse liked me.
She said I was super tight.
π︎ 28
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︎ Nov 17 2016
A friend bought me a massage.
The masseuse only worked on my front, so I didn't really enjoy it. I wish I could've given it back.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 24 2017
Why did the massage therapist have no friends?
She rubbed people the wrong way.
π︎ 18
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︎ Dec 04 2020
Got fired from the massage parlor.
I rubbed one of my clients up the wrong way.
π︎ 19
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︎ Aug 15 2020
My massage therapist got fired ...
I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way
π︎ 15
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︎ Jul 13 2020
Today my wife offered to give me a full body massage.
π︎ 33
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︎ Dec 08 2018
I don't know why, but I don't really like my new massage therapist.
I guess she just rubs me the wrong way.
π︎ 48
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︎ Jul 09 2017
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