I got home from work angry and tired, so I asked my wife if she could make turkey and duck for dinner.
I don't know what decisions the Supreme Court will make in 2021 but one thing is for sure...
Whenever my son has to make a picture for homework, I always make sure he signs his name last
Because Andrew is a lot shorter than Andrawing
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.
And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.
Did you hear Christopher Cross retired as a musician to make time for his new business venture?
My daughter, Eliza, kept asking me to use my 3D printer to make monogrammed chairs for her dolls. Last Sunday I printed over 100 of them. She was so happy. She started putting them on everything for decoration.
We had a Sunday, everything with a chair E on top.
My brother and I make Dracula action figures for a living, and we are on a really tight deadline.
I have to make every second Count.
Did you hear about the Punjabi polymath who makes flatbread for a living?
He's a jack of all trades, master of naan.
Despite being famous for flying, why did Peter Pan make for a terrible pilot?
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: "For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…"
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
For a thousand bucks I'll teach you how to make things levitate
If I want to make Escargot and turtle soup for dinner....
Do I need to use a slow cooker?
The best advice my dad ever gave me: if ever you are desperately searching for something, make sure to take an apple with you.
That way, your search cannot be fruitless.
[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
My girlfriend and I had an argument about what to make for breakfast.
We hashed things out in the end.
Visiting my parents for the first time since COVID. He has taken up cropdusting people and proclaiming, "Surprise health check." To make sure you can smell and/or taste still.
Sorry not a witty one-liner but peak of dad humor.
I asked my fisherman friend, “How much money do you make for your catch?”
He said, “I don’t discuss my .....net worth.”
Read The Caption For It To Make Sense
I told my wife I was going to make her an affogato for dessert and then handed her this.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What European people make the best explorers for Antarctica?
I met a woman who makes face masks for people in need during the pandemic, but it looked like she was getting overwhelmed by all the work.
My wife is trying to make a Tiger King cake for a friend.
I told her it looks all methed up.
I’d make an argument for Swiss cheese being the best in the whole world
I’d make an argument for Swiss cheese being the best in the whole world, but it would probably be full of holes
My friend is running for treasurer and needs to make an eight second video for the video announcing the candidates, any good quick money puns for that?
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
Make some noise for fake shit
For Christmas morning, I'm going to make Eggs Benedict, and I'm going to serve them on hubcaps from a 1962 Ford...
...because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
I told my wife I was going to make her an affogato for dessert and then handed her this:
My wife asked me to make a recipe that called for thyme but we were out. I told her...
Ain't nobody go thyme for that
Why do parents make train sounds for their children when eating?
Because they go Chew Chew!
I like to make jokes about using animal innards for food.
But people tell me they're offal.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
I recently misplaced some of my game pieces for Yahtzee, and honestly it’s been hell, so I decided to make some posters to put up around the apartment complex:
For father's day breakfast, my daughter promised she'd make pancakes. Then she said she wouldn't. Then she said she would. Then she said she wouldn't.
Why do fish make for great musicians?
Because they can tuna instrument.
I went to college after promising to make payments for tuition with tender cuts of meat...
For the next ten years, I'll be paying off my student loins.
I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me their landlord and that kinda makes them my...
A sore neck was the inspiration for my wife and I to make up this joke together...
A man was telling his friend that his neck was sore. His friend asked him, “what happened”? The man said that varmints had been tearing up his yard and that he had been spending hours digging through the dirt trying to repair the damage. His friend says, “go for massage and that should take care of the problem”.
A couple of days pass and the two meet up again. The friend asked the man, “how did it go?” The man says, “well, I have to tell you, they are hard to catch, but once you get ahold of them and get started, those gophers sure seem to like their massage”.
My friend used to say this all the time when someone disagreed with an opinion of his. Not sure if it’s appropriate for this sub, but it still makes me laugh when used today.
“Well, there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are, and those who are not, my uncle.”
My friend can only make textiles for people very far away...
I make a lot of dad jokes for someone who has no kids.
You could call this a faux pas. Shoots finger guns
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A couple of days ago a man from Korea came to r/uruguay looking for help to make the worlds biggest sandwich. Last night (8:00PM for me - 8:00AM for him) we made it posible!
Puns make for the best headlines
My bank won’t make change for a dollar
It just doesn’t make any cents
A cobbler is a person who makes shoes for those who don't know
A man is pulled over by a cop for speeding. He tries to make some small talk. "So, how was your day?"
If this makes me a bad person for laughing at this then so be it its a joke
I was talking to a girl who makes historically accurate clothing for fun.
It started out as just one dress, but she enjoyed it so much that she started making more. She told us that she is now fully embracing her hobby, and had decided to wear corsets for a week to prove that they can be comfortable and not torture devices. To which I replied: "So I guess you could say that your hobby is fully embracing you!"
Bonus: About 10 minutes previous, I had told one of the other people in the conversation that I'd been practicing my dad jokes for years before my daughter was born.
Looking for a pun I can make with someone’s name to ask them to homecoming
Their name is Lya (Lee-uh)
On my yacht, I make one of the crew dress in cute costume to stand for the pole supporting the yards, booms, and rigging...
Data pointing to the database I manage makes for a top tier visual pun.
Bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday, got him home and the first thing he did was make a bolt for the door
Sometimes, for no apparent reason, the number 12 makes me happy
My mom’s new husband makes staircases for a living
I moved far away from my parents, but every year around this time I make the trip back because my mom makes this delicious sauce for dinner...
You could say I'm home for the hollandaise.
My friend makes garb out of dog skin for scientists to wear when experimenting!
They are popular lab coats.
My dairy farmer uncle died leaving written legal instruction for me to inherit a single gallon of cheese production byproduct. Makes sense, because...
Where there's a will, there's a whey.
[Pun request] I need a child appropriate pun that could make a good TV show title about hunting for ghosts in bathrooms
Somebody asked me how I make the snow blocks for my igloos in the winter.
I said: Usually igloo them together.
I bet earth likes to make fun of other planets for having no life..
My friend is really struggling in trying to make clothes for people diagnosed as anorexic.
It's not really a growing market.
Advice for girls: Find a man with a job, a man that makes you laugh, a man who doesn't lie to you, and a man who spoils you.
And make sure that these four men don't know each other.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
So it's past 4 am for me and my mind decided to make this. are you proud internet?
I know a woman who has committed herself to cleaning other peoples’ homes indefinitely, and makes a hell of a lot of money for it.
If we were to make a fursona for the Reddit snoo...
He'd definitely be a (Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma) Chameleon
There is a company in Michigan that makes tonic water for cats
Most people in Michigan are shocked to find out they live in a cat a tonic state
"I make the rules in this house, son. You're going to have to listen to me for the rest of your life."
"You mean for the rest of your life, dad."
If you're buying a car for your elephant, make sure it has plenty of trunk space.
Shopping for antiques doesn't make you gay.
But it might make you buy curios.
I went into my favorite bar and asked for a Bud.The bartender, we'll call her Penny, say's you have to tell me who makes it first.Kinda stumped I said Anheiser Busch.She said "just fine,and hows your dick."
What makes sandwiches perfect for rednecks?
I wanted to make a reservation for a table at the library today...
Too bad they were completely booked
A man walks into a bar, orders a glass of beer, and stares at the bartender for a long time to make her uncomfortable.
The bartender says, “Take a pitcher. It’ll last longer.”
An I for an E makes the whole world go blend
I'm not good at fishing for the same reason I wouldn't make a good Doctor
Did you hear about the guy who makes his living by designing cool clothes for dudes?
Yeah, he’s Bro-Fashion Al.
Raspberries make for great grape beards
I randomly place these around my work place. If you’re having a bad day, look up at what I drew for you. No, they’re not my original thoughts, but it makes work a better place.
Somewhere out there is a guy who makes wind chimes for a living!
While waiting for someone to make a turn
Dad: just move already!
Mom: He's just not comfortable going into traffic
Dad: I don't care if he's comfortable or a dining table, he should move
Mark has several qualities that make him an ideal candidate for cloning.
I NEED PUNS FOR VALENTINES DAY FOR CLASS! MY TEACHER IS MAKING ME MAKE CARDS!
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