eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters
all they had was 15,809 matches
I have an addiction to reading pop-up books, so I went to the library the other day to pick up some proper grown up books to look at. I have to admit there was some good stuff there, ...
... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.
The sun is hot, and bright... I look up to the sun. :)
A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
When discussing my history of eye inflammation at the optometrist, I was advised to look up information on conjunctivitis.com.
It's a site for sore eyes.
Wife : "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment to cheer me up"
"You have perfect eyesight"
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self...
A guy walks into a bank, walks up to the teller and asks, “Have you ever gone someplace and forget what you’re there for?” The teller looks at him, her eyes getting larger and larger.
The guy scratches his head with his gun saying, “I hate when that happens.”
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: "Dad look what happened to my tooth!" Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
What do you call a little loaf of bread that you can look up to?
This looks like it's gonna be a huge pane to clean up.
My buddy rode up to me on his new bicycle. He says "look what I got for my wife".....
My GPS is difficult to use whenever I try to look up specific coordinates.
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
What do you call a toy of your dad you look up to?
I used to look up to my Dad
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, “What are you doing climbing my tree?” “Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears.” says the elephant.
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
My best friend came up to me and explained that his letter a always looks like a u
I replied “Sounds like a u problem”
A woman goes up to her boyfriend and says "honey, I have some bad news for you. I'm pregnant". He looks her with tears of joy and pride in his eyes and says ...
There's a great many people that I look up to.
This morning, my wife asked me to look up a song on youtube called 'Dear life'...
I said "Is that the remix to 'antelope life'?"
She rolled her eyes, groaned and then laughed.
I tried to look up today's date on the internet....
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
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