What do you call someone who looks just like you on a passing train?
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︎ Mar 04 2021
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her Iβve been trying to find them for three days, she said βplease I need to seeβ
I said yeah me too thatβs why Iβm looking for my glasses
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︎ Jan 30 2021
As my daughter opened her last gift on Christmas morning with a sad look in her eyes...
I said: βIf you think thatβs the end, youβve got another thing coming!β
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︎ Dec 12 2020
gotta look on fleek on the cross
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︎ Sep 16 2020
Hey look, the clothes are on sale
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︎ Sep 06 2020
I put on a blindfold to see what I would look like in the mirror.
To be honest, I just don't see myself wearing it.
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︎ Nov 09 2020
Iβm a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....βlooks like you have the best jobβ he says, βwhy is that?β I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
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︎ Aug 06 2020
While on my early morning walk I came across a man look very sad
I stopped and asked him what the matter was, he told me his dog had died. I gave my sympathies and offered to get him another one, he just looks at me and says "sure what would I do with two dead dogs".
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︎ Sep 25 2020
An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, "You like big pickles?" and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says
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︎ Feb 04 2020
Why does God look so ripped on all paintings?
Because he was the body builder.
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︎ Jun 09 2020
I came out of the bathroom with a sad look on my face and turned to my wife
"I guess my dad was right after all"
...
"I am full of shit"
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︎ Aug 21 2020
Saw this on a tiktok about a lesbian couple that look like sisters - Dopplebangers
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︎ Jun 14 2020
Someone on weed said I look good.
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︎ Feb 22 2020
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
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︎ Jun 19 2019
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
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︎ May 16 2020
Sent my husband for a bandaid for my daughterβs toe. She asked what was on it as I put it on her, and I said βit looks like Olafβ, to which my husband replied...
βI think you mean Toe-lafβ.
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︎ Jun 16 2020
I was recently promoted on the supermarket security team to look out for people taking 11 items through the "10 items or less" checkout...
I am now a counter-terrorism officer.
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︎ Feb 04 2020
A scarf always looks terrible on me and I don't understand why...
I just can't wrap my head around it.
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︎ Apr 16 2020
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
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︎ Apr 01 2020
When discussing my history of eye inflammation at the optometrist, I was advised to look up information on conjunctivitis.com.
It's a site for sore eyes.
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︎ Mar 11 2020
My kitten was standing on his hind legs and looking around curiously, so I said to my fianceΓ© "He looks like a meerkat...
But alas he is only a mere cat"
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︎ Feb 21 2020
Boss: "what's that?", Me: (with much enthusiasm) "it's a SPACE BAR!!!!!" *wets myself laughing*, Boss: "...................." *delivers withering look* "are you allowed to stick things on your laptop?", Me: *dies inside at another badly landed pun*
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︎ Nov 16 2018
What do scarabs put on to look cute?
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︎ Feb 24 2020
I thought really tight shirt would look good on me
But I just couldn't pull them off
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︎ Nov 16 2019
This man goes on holiday for a week and leaves his brother to look after his cat.
He rings him on the 2nd day to ask him how the cat is and is told it's dead. The man tells his brother, "You should've done it in stages. I'm not back for a week, you could've said the cat was on the roof and won't come down. Then maybe it's went up a tree right up to the top. Then the next day that it looks ill or something..... Eventually you could tell me when I'm back.
Anyway, how's our mother doing?"
His brother says:
"She's on the roof, bro"
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︎ Nov 13 2019
Looks like someone hopped on the bus
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︎ Feb 10 2019
The doctor looked at me with a concerned look on his face and rasped, "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards."
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︎ Jul 19 2019
I keep getting funny looks when i insist on playing the first level in spanish.
Nobody expects the spanish intro mission
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︎ Nov 09 2019
As one grows older, one has to look on the positive in situations. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs, and I thought to myself:
"That's the fastest I've moved in years!"
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︎ Sep 16 2019
My coworker sat on a can of glittery paint, designed to look like a toilet.
That was a case of asshole design.
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︎ Dec 11 2019
Iβve never met this guy but he posts food puns on every single food picture I post and heβs such a treasure. I always look forward to his puns now.
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︎ Apr 19 2019
My boss is making me dig through a stack of hay bare-handed to look for anything that shouldnβt be there. I suspect he dropped his wedding ring while having an affair with the new girl he hired in the pile and now he is desperate to hide the evidence from his wife who might be on to him.
But Iβm just grasping at straws here.
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︎ Mar 09 2019
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︎ Dec 22 2018
Look On The Bright Side
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︎ Sep 05 2018
If a person goes to Australia and puts on a costume to look like a roo.
Would it be a Kanga-ruse?
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︎ May 17 2019
I am not sure what the first church on Mars would look like.
But the mass would be the same.
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︎ Dec 10 2018
My date just walked out on me after I told her I look at tits and boobies all day
Guess she doesn't like birdwatching
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︎ Jul 23 2019
My 5 year old daughter said "daddy look I'm putting mayonnaise on my chips"
I said "my god you're amayonnaizing".
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︎ Sep 17 2019
My buddy rode up to me on his new bicycle. He says "look what I got for my wife".....
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︎ Apr 24 2019
The look on my wife's face was priceless.
My 5 year old stepson was sitting next to my wife on the couch, and a devious idea crossed mind. I called the boy over after a quick Googling and showed him the product of my search. He asked what it was, and I promptly told him they were boobies. I looked at the wife in time to see this amazing look of terror wash over her face. Still shocked, he says, "Hey Momma, want to see some boobies?" He grabs my tablet and shows her a picture of the most beautiful, soft looking blue footed boobies I could find. Her initial shock quickly turned to laughter and I was satisfied.
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︎ Oct 23 2014
I was running late getting the kids ready this morning. We finally got downstairs and I yell for my daughter. "Oh no sweetie! Look at what happened! Who peed on the counter!?"
https://imgur.com/a/vYT7ZBx
She's 3. "Dad...that's...a pea. Not...pee."
"That's what I said. Pea!'
ΰ² ΰ²Ώ_ΰ²
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︎ Jun 24 2019
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
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︎ May 24 2019
A Marine Biology student was compiling a list of all the sea creatures they could find on Wikipedia. The next day they handed it in to their Professor, who took one look at it and said..
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︎ May 07 2019
What did the llama look a like say when he was asked to go on a vacation?
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︎ Apr 13 2019
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