He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
So I've been wanting to sell my motorcycle for a while but haven't gotten around to it.
While in the car this morning I saw a sign for a local shop that read "We buy used motorcycles." I pointed it out to her and she replies with, "if that's not a sign, I don't know what is."
I was so proud.
They have onlyfans.
It's called Czech-Mate.
Because they can't even.
He wanted to take his shit to the next level.
Their middle name
Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.
She looked surprised.
Cacciatore
I had to quit my job at the recycling plant last month. I'm really bummed. Why you ask? It was soda-pressing! Lmfao my friends groan every time they hear it.
it's syncing
Beam me up biscotti.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!" Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
Because they are "gas" stations.
So my s/o gets super crossed when I tell him puns. I'd greatly appreciate if you guys could drop your cheesiest puns.
he goes, I added a bunch to my "watch list" and proceeds to crack up for the next 5 minutes
He asked me what her name was.
Me: "Lol, in University I make a ham and cheese sandwich for like every meal"
Mom: "Don't you wanna eat something more healthy?"
Me: "No mom, it's so good and so easy to make"
Mom: "But also so unhealthy to eat it all the time"
Dad: "Hah, so why don't you just make a cheese and ham sandwich instead of a ham and cheese sandwich? Must be way healthier! HAHAHAHA lmfao...."
-silence-
The following is a text exchange between me and a friend:
Friend: Arrived safely in Vietnam. See you in a few weeks!
Me: Glad to hear You've reached your destinASIAN!
Bonus points: I used the asian face character emoji!
At a friend of mine's wedding reception, we were all dancing to "Sexy and I know it" by LMFAO. The groom's dad comes out and dances in the middle and before leaving the middle of the dance floor yells: "I'm sixty and I know it!"
LMFAO Schwartz
He was bee-headed.
I was going a water change in our fish tanks today while my boyfriend was at work. After I had finished, my boyfriend texted me.
Bf: "How do they look?" Me: "The fish tanks?" Bf: "Yeah." Me: "Full of water." Bf: "Lmfao"
He thinks my jokes are hilarious, which is why I'm dating him.
