Advice for girls: Find a man with a job, a man that makes you laugh, a man who doesn't lie to you, and a man who spoils you.

And make sure that these four men don't know each other.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jan_Tik
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.

What, the actual Fuck.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sodrohu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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How do you fix a municipality with lies?

With a mend-a-city program :)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MrCalifornian
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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I live near an atomic shelter and in my encounters with it, it never lied and always kept its word

Now that's what I call structural integrity

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.

Itโ€™s not real poo, itโ€™s a sham poo.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DrumSpace
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?

Russle.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/glassishalfull
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, โ€œOi mate, you cant leave that lying there!โ€

The man says, โ€œItโ€™s not a lion itโ€™s a giraffeโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 177
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomsonc014
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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A cannibal was walking through the jungle when he came to a clearing and saw a freshly killed elephant lying down with a pygmy standing on top of it, brandishing a big stick and doing a victory dance.

"Have you just killed that elephant?" asked the cannibal. "Yes," replied the pygmy, "I did it with my club." "Wow," replied the cannibal. "You must have a really big club!" "Yes, there are about forty of us!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Scout816
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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A husband comes home and finds his amputee wife lying in the bathtub with the shower head on, crying.

He feels pity at the sight and asks "What's wrong, love?" She turns to him and says "I can't stand showering without my legs"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ironfist221
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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A dad is lying on his deathbed with his son standing over him

Son: Iโ€™m really gonna miss you, Dad.

The dad, with his dying breath, utters,

โ€œHi Really Gonna Miss You, Iโ€™m Dad.โ€

A single tear rolls down the sonโ€™s cheek

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iHasMagyk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
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My 9yo daughter was lying on the couch cuddling with our new kitten. โ€œItโ€™s time for bed,โ€ I said.

โ€œI donโ€™t want to get up,โ€ she replied. โ€œWill you carry me?

โ€œNo,โ€ I replied. โ€œGet up and go to bed.โ€

โ€œBut Iโ€™m too tired. Carry Me?โ€

โ€œNo! Youโ€™re like 90 pounds now. Youโ€™re too heavy.โ€ I said.

โ€œWell then, pretend Iโ€™m the kitten,โ€ she said and grinned.

So I picked up the squirt bottle and sprayed her in the face.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/webdisaster
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 30 2018
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?

Matt

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LordDobbington
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
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The card game

A few years ago, was playing a card game with my frisbee team. We were competing in a frisbee tournament for spring break, and we had discs lying all around the Airbnb we were sleeping in. After playing the first few hands, I realized I didn't know what to do with my old cards.

I asked my teammate where I should put my used up cards. They pointed to some cards lying in a frisbee.

It was a disc card, discard pile.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Phaesporic
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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Several people have been found lying dead in puddles of milk with bananas in their hands.

Police are searching for a cereal killer.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ducktapedaddy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
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A book with a lot of lies in it twitter.com/BenChapmanMagโ€ฆ
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NotABMWDriver
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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Lying bed with my gf...

...when I accidentally roll on her hand with my elbow. I apologized and she said "what if you broke it? How could do anything around the house?" To which i responded "I think you'd still be able to accomplish plenty ..singlehandedly". She groaned, "this is going to be end up on Reddit, isn't it..."

I slept on the couch. I regret nothing.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hu_lee_oh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2015
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She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a...

Imgur

Text sent from father.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Angry_Buddha
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasnโ€™t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didnโ€™t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, โ€œHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?โ€

He hadnโ€™t and said so. Then she said, โ€œTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what sheโ€™s really doing.โ€

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. โ€œWell, is she selling drugs?โ€ she asked excitedly.โ€

โ€œNo, sheโ€™s not.โ€ he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

โ€œWell, what is it, then?โ€ his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. โ€œHer name is Sally and sheโ€™s selling batteries.โ€

โ€œBatteries?โ€ cried the wife.

โ€œYes,โ€ he replied. โ€œShe sells C cells by the Seashore.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AustralianGroan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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Lying in bed with my girl

All romantic, very lovely, stealing kisses here and there.

Her cell phone is just within arm's reach, so I pause the making out and gently place the phone on her forehead, and I whisperโ€ฆ

"Headphones."

And then she vibrate-laughed for like ten minutes.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/profound_whatever
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2014
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My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time.

She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so.

We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today.

I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer.

But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship.

The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie...

She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/filiprogic
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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A dog sleepwalks into a bar . . .

He tells the bartender โ€œZZZ Iโ€™m a cat ZZZ Iโ€™m a catโ€. The bartender says โ€œYes sir you are.โ€ The sleepwalking dog leaves and a patron says โ€œWhy did you agree with him? That dogโ€™s not a cat!!โ€ The bartender replies, โ€œSometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lie.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/boogerknows
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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Had a conversation with my buddy about the Eli movie on Netflix, I think I did it right (Spoiler warning)

Buddy: Wait, so their idea was, "Your son is the devil, we can fix that with a bone marrow transplant and a virus?"

Me: No, I think they were lying about the retrovirus and just putting holy water and stuff into the marrow to exorcise him. That is my guess because they were just nuns, not real doctors.

Buddy: But, when he was freaking out at the end didn't the nurse say, "The gene therapy would have worked, but he was just too strong!"

Me: Oh yeah, maybe they had some of Jesus's DNA. So, instead of the CRISPR gene they use the CHRISTR gene....

I got an eye roll! No kids yet, but at least I know I can rise to the occasion.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/P-Ritch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rocknocker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Buwanna

I recall from my youth, a time of great adventure. My friends and I on safari hunting the Great North-American Man-Eating Female Butt-Ox.

The hunt was difficult and expensive. Once one has been identified as an acceptable specimen you need to slow its wits and dull its decision making process. This is best accomplished with loud music, flashing lights and alcohol. But even then the hunt can be foiled by rushing in to early. If you're successful, you then need to separate it from the pack. This is the trickiest bit as less than ideal pack members will often fight ruthlessly to "protect" your target.

But even the most successful outings are not without risk. On several occasions I found myself entangled in a wrestling match for hours. But there lies the fruit of the hunt...

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๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2019
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My friends first dad joke

What do you get when you cross habitual lying with insomnia?

A person that lies awake all night

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Maghliona
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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My dad told me this joke earlier today

A detective was called to a man's house to investigate a death. The man took the detective to his backyard and there was a dead rabbit lying there with a half eaten egg toasted sandwich and a half eaten cheese toasted sandwich. The detective quickly observed this and said to the man. "It seems to be a case of Myxomatoasties.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Nich_05
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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Out dad joked by my SO

Last night cuddling with my girlfriend and she says "I love lying here with you." I replied "I once caught a fish and it was 5 foot long and spoke Hebrew." She stared at me, confused. "OK, it's your turn to lie" I say. "Oh right I see. Ha ha very funny" was her reply. She pauses for a moment before rolling over. "That was my lie" she said.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ab1kenobe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 08 2014
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Got the wife with this one this morning:

We were staying in a hotel room that had a balcony door that didnโ€™t fully close which causes a lot of city noise to come in.

Itโ€™s the morning and we are still in bed when she says, โ€œI canโ€™t stand this room!โ€

I reply, โ€œWell, itโ€™s a good thing youโ€™re lying down!โ€

I was then pummeled with pillows.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Akki-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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An inspector visits a farm...

He tells the farmer that he wants to speak with his animals so he can check how their life there is.

The farmer reluctantly leads the inspector to the paddocks, the inspector notices some cows and approaches asking "Hello Ms Cow, how are you finding life on this farm?" The cow replied in a ventriloquistling voice, "I love my life on the farm, I get grass all day and get put indoors at night". The farmer is amazed at the sight before him.

The inspector makes his way to the duck pond and asks the ducks, "Ducks, how is your life at this farm?" The duck, like the cows reply "I love this farm, we get grain and the big pond. We love our life here".

The inspectors continues his way through the farm with the farmer in tow eventually reaching the sheep pen. As he makes his way towards the sheep the farmer quickens his pace catching the inspectors. "I have something to tell you before you chat to the sheep, THE SHEEP LIE!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RageRacoon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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Inspector Clouseau checks into a hotel.

After speaking with a clerk and securing a room, he turns to go upstairs when he spots a dog lying on the ground โ€œDoes your dog bite?โ€ Clouseau asks the clerk. โ€œNo,โ€ he replies. Clouseau bends to pet the dog, but the dog snaps and bites his hand. Clouseau is shocked.
โ€œI thought you said your dog did not bite!โ€ โ€œThat is not my dog,โ€ says the clerk.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/youngass
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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A guy walks into a bar

he later leaves the bar, because he realizes that his alcohol dependence is driving a wedge between him and his family. After a while he returns to the bar, because he was so drunk that he forgot his wallet their. He then drives home, crashes into his own front lawn, knocks on the door, to find his wife standing their with a bread roller in hand. She asks him, "are you drunk you swine?!" he replies, "no ma'am, I just forgot my wallet at the bar, so I had to swing back and get it....because I was their getting drunk, I'm sorry for lying to you officer..." his wife then leaves him and goes to the same bar to get drunk.... his entire family consists of alcoholics...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nirvanaspirit666
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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While visiting family for Thanksgiving, my wife and I saw a nice bicycle laying, unlocked, beside a tree across the street.

Wife: Huh, looks like someone left their bike there.
Someauthor: No, no. It's lying down because it's two-tired.
Wife: uughhhh
Someauthor's Dad: Nice! That was a really good one, well done.
Wife: uugghhhhhhh (with deeper agony)
Someauthor: I think I leveled up.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/someauthor
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Classic chain of dadjokes (no puns:

What animal can fly and eats stones? the flying stone eater.

How does an elephant come out of a river? Wet.

How do you stuff a giraffe inside a fridge? You open the fridge door, you put the giraffe inside and you close the fridge door.

How long does it take for a rock from the top of the Eiffel tower to fall to the ground? It doesn't, because the flying stone eater eats it.

What's green and smells like blue paint? Green paint.

What's white and can't climb trees? A fridge.

What's white on the outside, yellow on the inside, and can't climb trees? The fridge with the giraffe inside.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What's green, 40 feet long and hangs from trees? Elephant snot.

What's wet and has wheels? The elephant from the river, I lied about the wheels.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dronelisk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
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Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, โ€œDo you want a liftโ€. โ€œNo thanksโ€, they replied, โ€œWeโ€™re Walkersโ€.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all ยฃ5 apart from one that was ยฃ10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said โ€œthatโ€™s maderia cakeโ€.


Bought some cream, it said โ€œstore in a cool placeโ€. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says โ€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the otherโ€. The doctor says โ€œIโ€™m afraid you are a trifle deafโ€.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisiteโ€ฆ โ€“what a pity it isnโ€™t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adamโ€™s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because itโ€™s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When itโ€™s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charleyโ€™s death? BEN and JERRY.


Donโ€™t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you wonโ€™t be able to budge.


You know youโ€™re a mom ifโ€ฆ Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say โ€œOLE!โ€


FORGET LOVEโ€ฆ Iโ€™

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2017
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My girlfriend asked me how I slept last night.

Lying down with my eyes closed.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/eastawat
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 23 2019
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A man walks into a bar

With his pet giraffe. Bartender: what's that lying on the floor? Man: Its not a lion you idiot its a giraffe.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/-onepunman-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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