Rib it
In amazement at their abilities to swing from tree to tree while playing, I pointed at an especially funny monkey and said to my son
"This shits bananas."
Why does everything in video games have to be a political statement?
It's twofold.
A Merry Can
6:30, hands down
Why
Nothing warms my heart more than seeing these cute furry creatures hanging out at the bar and singing karaoke.
I (a mom who loves dad jokes) was walking past a stranger at the office complex where I work this afternoon. This stranger was holding two flourescent light bulbs.
Me: "Are those heavy?"
Him: "Not really."
Me: "Yeah, they look light."
I laughed so hard and was so grateful that he shared my energy and laughed with me!! I was excited to finally have a contribution to this subreddit that brings me daily joy!!!
After getting the first dose, youβll need to wait a few weeks for number 2.
EDIT: Wow! Thank you all so much for the views, upvotes, and awards. I have so much joy and excitement I can barely hold it in!!!
He said "I'm your biggest fan."
My kid surprised me today with a handmade book with dad jokes. Each joke had an associated graphic too as a bonus! I'm so happy I wanted to share the joy with you guys.
These are the 26 jokes (some I've learned from here, but a few of them I've never heard):
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I'm afraid for the calendar, its days are numbered.
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My wide said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That's a big step forward!
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What do a tick and the Eiffel tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.
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What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
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A skeleton walks into a bar and says - I'll have a beer and a mop please.
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Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
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I don't trust trees, they're too shady.
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I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.
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Did you hear the rumour about the butter? I did, but I'm not going to spread it!
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand by itself? Because it was two-tired.
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Why did Billy get fired from the banana packaging factory? He kept trowing away the bent ones.
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Why was math so sad? Because of all its problems.
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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
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A guy walks into a bar and got disqualified from the limbo contest.
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Have you ever try to catch fog? I did once, but I mist.
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Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because it was outstanding in its field.
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What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
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I Was going to tell you guys a joke about time travel, but you guys didn't like it.
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What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
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What do you call a belt made of watches? A waste of time.
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Mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.
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Why are piggy banks so wise? Because they're filled with common cents.
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Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.
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You know, people say they pick their noses, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
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What did zero said to eight? That belt looks great on you.
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To whoever stole my Microsoft office, I will find you. You have my word.
I hope you find a few new ones too in this list.
They're not called "joy-pros" they're called "joy-cons".
Around 1910, a French chef did a series of reckless experiments with boiled egg whites and other items, thus accidentally creating a new condiment. He named it after his hometown, and so the new confection became known as mayonnaise.
One of the first fans of the new confection was Mexicoβs ambassador to France, who wrote home about this marvelous new product, and so an enormous demand for mayonnaise developed across Mexico. But the demand could not be met; the chef refused to share the recipe with anyone, and the logistics of keeping the product cold while in transit from France to any part of Mexico proved very difficult.
An especially ambitious entrepreneur named Julio Gomez offered a solution: instead of sailing from France directly to Mexico, through the warm waters where the unrefrigerated mayonnaise would likely spoil, it could be shipped from France to the northern United States, a voyage that would be much colder and therefore preserve the mayonnaise much better. Once unloaded in New York, it would only need a few days to reach Mexico by train, and so Gomez arranged for special refrigerated rail cars to transport it.
The financial and logistical difficulties of this shipping method were daunting, but Gomez was more than equal to the task. He had hoped to begin the shipping in late 1911 to take advantage of the cold weather, but what with one thing and another he was forced to delay until the following spring.
But April in the North Atlantic is still cold enough, and so Gomez went ahead with his plan. He secured his supply of mayonnaise in Paris, and got it to Liverpool in record time. From there he managed to get it into the cargo of a passenger liner that was leaving for New York that very day, and arranged for the rail cars to meet the shipment in New York. Word of this development reached Mexico, where it was received with great joy and anticipation.
Much to Gomezβs misfortune, the ship in question was none other than the Titanic. The importation scheme was a total loss, and no further attempt to import mayonnaise to Mexico was made for decades after.
Due to the rushed and chaotic nature of Gomezβs operation, it took some weeks to confirm that his cargo of mayonnaise had been on the Titanic. Once the news was confirmed, Mexicoβs hopes were crushed and there was a period of low-key national mourning.
The tragic loss of the Titanic shocked and saddened people all over the world. Mass funerals for the dead passengers were held in New York, L
... keep reading on reddit β‘
B+
The farmer was devastated, and in his depression all but neglected the farm, barely able to bring himself to grow and can legumes.
One day as he was aimlessly wandering the road near his fields, hungry and despondent, he came across a deer carcass, freshly hit by a car. The farmer was excited that his luck was changing, since this meant fresh(ish) meat in the first time in months. He shooed the magpies and crows away and began harvesting the deer.
Almost as soon as he had finished, there was a knock at the door. To the farmer's great surprise, his son had returned home. Though he looked quite the worse for wear, the son looked around at the farm with sadness, perhaps realizing the emotional damage he had caused.
The farmer was besides himself with joy, and told his son that tonight he would cook a great feast. The son, surprised, looked around at the fallow fields and run down house and asked, "Dad, do you have much food? What could we possibly eat for this celebratory feast."
The farmer, tears of joy in his eyes and emotion in his voice said:
"Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peas when you are done"
They said you'll be looking 5 to 6 grand. "6 THOUSAND POUNDS?!" I shouted. "Yeah", came the reply. "Blimey, I thought it'd be free" I said. "FREE?! Why the hell would you think it'd be free?" questioned the builder. I replied: "Because it's on the house".
There would be mass confusion
this plays off another, funnier post but i couldn't find it again
In smiles per hour!
He took this out of his wallet. Apparently he's been caring it around since the 80s: http://imgur.com/ri2NcWR. Making dad jokes before he was even a dad!
. . . . .
All over the world countries are trying to flatten the curve.
My four year old son came up with this joke. He laughed and laughed, so of course I did to:
Son: What did the kid balloon call his dad?
Me: I dunno...
Son: Pops!
Run away laughing and screaming with joy...
The company that makes yard-sticks won't be making them any longer. :(
bring All-men Joy
- The groom gave me permission to riddle the best man speech with puns which was great, but im a bit worried Illinois the rest of you.
- Firstly, Iβd like to thank you all for coming to celebrate these two here at their Maryland, im sorry wedding.
- Iowa lot to my brother because despite whatever situation or distance, heβs eager to check in and catch up. Heβs always been a supportive brother and Iβm happy to consider him a great friend.
- Augusta Maine thing is Idaho-ped that he might find someone to bring out the best in him, and that is the bride without a doubt.
- Iβm Minnesota the middle of this thing and I want to to wish them all the happiness in the world. You guys always bring a smile and fill the space with joy from Florida ceiling.
- When you look back on your pictures and videos from today in a month, Montana half, I hope you remember all the love you have for each other and carry that with you.
- Utah have a bright future together and I hope you make the most of it. Whether youβre simply relaxing at home Washingtons of premier league games or traveling together (perhaps to any of the locations previously mentioned), I wish you all the love in the world and Iβm fortunate to call you both family.
- Alaska you before I finish is that you forgive me for any puns that didnβt land and if I missed, Iβll try not to Michigan. Enjoy the rest of your night, hereβs to the bride and groom!
Because they drift.
When I said yes he pulled a picture of the cleaning products "pride" and "joy". The man carries these pictures in his wallet at all times.
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.
My little pony: frenchship is magic
But my daughter and her husband insist they can manage on their own.
"Hi pregnant, I'm dad"
The Joy Division song was in turn named after a novel by J. G. Ballard. This makes 'The Atrocity Exhibition' the book the song the album is named after is named after.
Happy Ο day!
An assassin
B+
