I handed her the dictionary.
My house is full of light switches!
I'm just not qualified to handle his dino-might.
He was getting a head of himself
Me: I can't wait see Bernie Sanders live!
Dad: Never knew he was dead.
I wet my plants
Tell them they are going to the prayground
It was open Mike night.
"Stairs don't talk!"
Comb down
But it turned out to be spam.
Did they stick their fingers in an electrical socket?
"No... Why..?"
Well, then, how do you know if they were good conductors or not?
Then how can it choo choo?
Complements of my 6 year old.
...but forget that the year after 2021 is 2020 too
Because it was her dowelry.
Back to the drawing, bored
he can't have my nose, I need it!
Itβs a play on words
Being a well driller, I often dream I could drill right to the center of the earth.
If I didn't have such a great imagination my job would be just boring.
Then I can finally say that hindsight is 2020.
It was his first 'body-building' competition.
He only gave it 3 stars.
It's the first time they'll see 2020.
(This probably makes more sense if you're British.)
Doing his rounds one day and when he got to the bird enclosure he noticed a load of the birds had died. Unsure as to what he should do with the bodies he tossed them into the big cat exhibit.
The next day he was cleaning out the primates and noticed the lifeless figure of an ape laying on the floor... not wanting to perform a proper burial and besides- he wasn't earning much more than minimum wage anyway so he tossed it into the big cat enclosure.
On his third day the zookeeper came across his colleague who kept bees, it seems they'd got sick and a lot of the hive had perished. Not to worry, the zookeeper scooped them onto a shovel and tossed them into the big cat exhibit. It's the circle of life he thought to himself.
The next day there was a lot of excitement in the zoo. A new lioness had arrived. The lioness stalked out of the trailer...sniffed at the unfamiliar lion next to her...
"So, what's the food like in this place then?" She asked awkwardly.
"It's actually not that bad" replied the lion. "Over the past few days we've had Finch, chimps and mushy bees"
Badum tssss! Β―_(γ)_/Β―
Yeah, for any non brits that read all that: Fish, chips and mushy peas is a classic English dish. So...yeah...that's the joke.
Until I saw the body bag.
..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.
So my brothers name is Vincent, 18 years now, and a few years ago he came up to me very excited and said: βMy name is Vincent, but you can call me βVinβ so you save a centβ
There was a little town in Mexico, right across the border from Texas. They got a taste for Mayonnaise from the Cowboys crossing the border to eat. Soon they created a festival for their love of Mayonnaise. Theyβd have every type of mayonnaise you could think of. Folks loved it. The 10th anniversary of the festival was coming up and they decided they wanted to do something special. They heard of a place in England that made the worlds very best. They placed their order and was told it would be shipped overseas to them by boat. Because they had placed such a large order, the only ship capable of carrying it was the Titanic. The folks were waiting excitedly until the morning that the Titanic had hit a iceberg. When the news came that they wouldnβt get their shipment and to honor those lives lost, they decided to rename their festival. It became known as βSinko De Mayo.β
He was beside himself with excitement.
My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(
It's Groundbreaking work.
It was Auntie Climactic.
Turns out itβs about Chess strategies.
Turned out to be quite the shin dig.
I just wet my plants.
that she wet her plants.
Because it was open Mike night!
It was open Mike night!
It was open Mike night.
Wednesdayβs are Open Mike Night.
It's open mike night!
Then I realized after 2021 is 2020 too.
it was open Mike night
It was open Mike night.
He wet his plants!
It was open Mike night.
