It was clear to see that they had some key differences.
The steaks had never been higher.
Too many bear wires.
They said the place was a dump.
When I can, I take steps to avoid them.
It’s something I can see myself doing.
They said I can’t make them any longer.
A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.
"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"
Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone's blood and starts processing it through the hospital's examination equipment.
"Right!" Shouts the doctor. "Now you're testing my patients!"
My 7 year old son tries to tell puns, but he's really bad at it. After going to the zoo, he noticed that his right ear was itchy. Upon inspection, we noticed that the skin around his ear was flaking. We discussed if it was a sun burn, but he had been wearing a bucket hat all day. Without missing a beat he said:
I guess it has to be an "ear"itation. He even used air quotes. Proud moment for Father's Day!
Hope you had a great Father's Day as well!
So I yelled back "Then how did your foot get in there!"
DISCLAIMER: not my joke, but I forgot where I heard it from. If any of you know, comment and I'd appreciate it
So a frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. Her name is Mrs. Wack. He says "Hi, I'd like a loan"
She says "I dont know, you're a frog"
"Well, I want a loan"
"Okay, then. What's your name?"
"Kermit."
"As in "Kermit the Frog" Kermit?"
"No, my parents named me Kermit after Kermit. My name's Kermit Jagger. My father's Mick Jagger and my mother's a frog. Anyways, I want a loan for a lily pad"
"Well, do you have any collateral?"
"Well, I have this..." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small pink elephant.
"I dont know if I can accept this. Let me go in back and check with my boss"
Mrs. Wack goes into the back office where her boss is sitting.
"This frog came in, he says his names Kermit Jagger. He says he wants a loan and he gave me this as collateral" she holds up the pink elephant and gives it to her boss who inspects it for a moment
The boss turns to her and speaks. "Knick-Knack! Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
I was tempted, but decided against it. After inspecting them, it turned out they were just two gross.
This place is back wards.
They said it has the flu.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
I ran up to my daughter today...
Me: "Hey. You always have my back right?"
Her: "What? Sure I guess..."
Me after quickly inspecting her fingers and toes: "Good they're all there."
Her: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Just wanted to make sure I could count on you."
Her: massive eyeroll* "Gah! You're so stupid sometimes!"
The cop got out to inspect the car, when he smelled something decaying. Instantly, the cop pulled his gun and asked Schrodinger to get out with his hands up.
Prof. Schrodinger cooperated and got out. “What’s the matter officer?”
“Open the trunk! Slowly!” The cop demanded.
Schrodinger paled. “No officer, you’ll ruin my experiment!”
The officer took the safety off his gun, now alarmed. “Open it! Now!”
The professor sighed, but opened his trunk. Instantly the smell of decaying flesh filled the air, but the officer was startled. “That’s a dead cat!”
Schrodinger sighed. “Yes, there is one now.”
(No cats were actually harmed in this!)
My suggestion? Tell em’ you just conduit.
He laughed and reassured me, “Don’t worry! That’s just a bug that’s going around.”
Upon closer inspection of their samples, I decided they were pieces of crap.
a fox, a rabbit and a bear need to serve their fatherland, but they dont want to, so they make a plan. The fox thinks, wat if we cut of my tail, they think its a good idea, they cut of his tail, he goes on inspection, comes cheerfully back with the news that he didnt need to go in the army, then the rabbit thinks, wat if we cut my ears of, because i dont have a long tail. They think its a good idea, they cut hiw ears of, the rabbit goes on inspection, and also comes cheerfully out with the news that he doesn't need to go in the army. then they think for the bear, his tail is too short, and his ears are to short. The fox thinks, wat if we smash out his teeth. The bear thinks about it, abrees, they smash out his teeth, and the bear goes on inspectoin. he too comes cheerfully out, woohoow, i font neef to fo, i fas to fat!!!
He was picking his nose.
(My dad literally just told this at Christmas dinner...)
Pier Review.
"I guess they don't want us to leave any of our crap."
Three men go camping in the wilderness; a German, an Italian and a Czechoslovakian. While asleep, their campsite is attacked by a couple of bears and all 3 men are presumed killed. Forest Rangers get deployed to find the missing campers. After inspecting the campsite, the Rangers discover the bear tracks and follow them to the den. Inside are the 2 bears, a male and a female, which the Rangers quickly kill. First, they opened the stomach of the female and inside were the remains of the German and Italian men.
"Looks like our work here is done," the lead Ranger says to his partner.
"But we only found 2 bodies!" The partner cries back.
The Ranger removes his sunglasses and looks vacantly into the distance before finally telling his partner:
"Clearly the Czech is in the male."
Thankfully there were no soles lost.
Something I can really see myself doing...
Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
- Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
- Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
- Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
- Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
- Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
- Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
- Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
- Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
- Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
- Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
- Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
- Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
- Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
- When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
- Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
- Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
- Always go straight home after work or school
- Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
- Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
- Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
The doctor arrives and after a quick inspection he calms the crowd:
“Don’t worry, he just got disco-nnected.”
He was their Grill Sergeant.
One. They're quite efficient, and not very funny.
After inspecting his room, he comes back to the hotel manager saying, "I would like six forks and a sheet" after noticing the absence of those items in his room.
He gets kicked out.
"Why did you kick him out?" says one of the hotel staff.
"He told me he wanted sex, fucks, and a shit!"
In 1827, after Beethoven died, he was buried outside the local church, in the graveyard, and people came to pay their respects frequently.
One morning, about a week after the funeral, two girls came to leave some flowers on his grave, only to hear strange, unearthly sounds coming from it. Creeped out, they called for the local Paranormal Investigator.
The Investigator arrived an hour later, and with him, a small crowd, who had come to see what was happening to the composer’s grave.
Suddenly, one member of the crowd exclaimed, “I recognise that sound! It’s his 9th Symphony, backwards!”
Soon after, another said, “and that’s his 8th, backwards!”
After leaning closer to the grave to inspect this for himself, the Investigator straightened himself up, gave a soft chuckle, and said:
“Never fear, ladies and gentlemen! Beethoven’s just decomposing.”
Sherlock inspects the body and notes that the man doesn't have anything covering his top. Watson looks at Sherlock and says "Yeah, no shirt, Sherlock!"
Beaten up from their last encounter with Agent Smith and his agents, they take a seat at the bar.
Morpheus is nursing his right shoulder, Neo has a busted lip and Trinity has a large cut on her left hand.
Neo says, "Bartender give us your best bottle of whiskey. We're gonna need it."
The bartender grabs a bottle and three tumblers.
Neo cracks open the whiskey and takes a swig straight from the bottle before grabbing the tumblers.
Trinity, inspecting her hand, says "I'm a little worried that this is gonna get infected."
"Don't worry," Morpheus says as Neo grabs Trinity's hand, "Neo's pourin'."
On the night walk with our 2 pups. One is obsessed with toads and every item on the road is suspiciously inspected. Frequently a leaf is sniffed and nosed to encourage a leap. Tonight, a piece of gravel caught her eye with exuberant tailnub wagging! “Oh pupper that isn’t sedentary; it’s sedimentary.”
Hope you like it too.
But on closer inspection, it seemed counter productive.
and inspecting mirrors is something I could see myself doing!
Backstory: I had bought a set of nice Nespresso coffee cups for my parents for Christmas (original, I know). But these aren't your standard, chunky, ceramic Christmas mugs with snowflakes or Santas, but actually something for the type of coffee fanatics that spend their money on Clooney's kind of blend, what else?
So - having dessert; cake, coffee, the whole shabang.
Me, inspecting one of said cups: "I'm glad I actually found a set that doesn't stay in the cupboard all year like literally every other mug you've ever gotten from anyone."
Mom, eating cake: "Mm-hmm."
Me: "Like, these are actually really nice. I like the pattern around the base and how they're round and square at the same time."
Mom, between bites: "They're very nice."
Suddenly, Dad, eating his cake completely silently up until this point: "You should take a picture of them. Might make for a pretty cool mugshot."
Cue me barely managing to swallow my coffee, Mom chuckling into her cup and both our subsequent groans
Sherlock Holmes is inspecting a bed. He says to Watson "this bed is missing something". Watson replies "no sheet sherlock".
Ok so here's what you do.
Go onto Amazon or Ebay or whatever and purchase a small dog cage. Make SURE that is is made of either completely STEEL. Nothing else. Get advanced shipping or whatever gets it to your door as fast as humanly possible. Now wait patiently for your package to arrive. Once the delivery person knocks on your door to get you to sign for your package tell them to wait until you open the box. If they seem leery of you explain that you have had trouble in the past with your parcels and you just want to make sure that your order is correct. Open the box and remove the cage from the box. Inspect it thoroughly. Now LISTEN CAREFULLY! This is the part you can't mess up. Look up from the cage and stare into that poor delivery person's eyes. Like so deep you can see their ancestors. Say these exact words. "I knew it... I can't believe I ordered a nickel less cage."
After getting back from the store, one of the pears we bought was not good upon closer inspection. I cleverly quipped "a-pear-ently one of these pears has a dis-pear-ity". Quite pleased, I chuckled to myself "oh, me and my dad jokes!"...my wife looked at me and said, "did you say dad jokes or bad jokes?"
I couldn’t really see myself doing it
A job i could really see myself doing...
