I just had my chimney inspected for the first time.

They said it has the flu.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ihaveaboot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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I use to think that I had the exact same padlock as my friend, but upon closer inspection..

It was clear to see that they had some key differences.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yellgames01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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If inspecting mirrors was a job

I couldn’t really see myself doing it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/panadatitties
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Today I insisted that my son had a hole in his shoe. He didn't believe me and kept looking and looking, took it off and inspect it. He yelled "There is no hole in there at all!"

So I yelled back "Then how did your foot get in there!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
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Did you hear about the farmer who accidentally gave his cattle edibles before inspection?

The steaks had never been higher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Testacleez
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.

This place is back wards.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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Why did Winnie the Pooh’s house fail electrical inspection?

Too many bear wires.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.

"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."

The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alphaw0lf212
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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Some Campy Humor

Three men go camping in the wilderness; a German, an Italian and a Czechoslovakian. While asleep, their campsite is attacked by a couple of bears and all 3 men are presumed killed. Forest Rangers get deployed to find the missing campers. After inspecting the campsite, the Rangers discover the bear tracks and follow them to the den. Inside are the 2 bears, a male and a female, which the Rangers quickly kill. First, they opened the stomach of the female and inside were the remains of the German and Italian men.

"Looks like our work here is done," the lead Ranger says to his partner.

"But we only found 2 bodies!" The partner cries back.

The Ranger removes his sunglasses and looks vacantly into the distance before finally telling his partner:

"Clearly the Czech is in the male."

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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Buddy of mine was asked to go on an unwanted business trip to inspect conduit.

My suggestion? Tell em’ you just conduit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alyfish126
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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β€œDoctor, I keep seeing an inspect buzzing around me!”

He laughed and reassured me, β€œDon’t worry! That’s just a bug that’s going around.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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The inspection [OC]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whoisthat42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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What's it called when someone walks up and down the beach, inspecting doc(k)s?

Pier Review.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Why was frosty inspecting the carrots at the grocery store?

He was picking his nose.

(My dad literally just told this at Christmas dinner...)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CopenhagenDragon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
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I failed inspection at the recycling center I work at

They said the place was a dump.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajacksified
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2017
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Our local shoe factory burned down last night!

Thankfully there were no soles lost.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Neferashu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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We are selling my house. I told my wife that the buyers want to pump and inspect our septic tank. My wife looks at me and says,

"I guess they don't want us to leave any of our crap."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/japhillips87
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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In far future, in a robot-only disco, one of the dancers suddenly shuts down.

The doctor arrives and after a quick inspection he calms the crowd:

β€œDon’t worry, he just got disco-nnected.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/That-Grim-Reaper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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A newly enlisted recruit was in basic training, being yelled at by a former barbecue chef.

He was their Grill Sergeant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Escalade1414
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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Job Title: Mirror Inspecting

Something I can really see myself doing...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grayworks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2013
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An Italian man walks into a prestigious hotel.

After inspecting his room, he comes back to the hotel manager saying, "I would like six forks and a sheet" after noticing the absence of those items in his room.

He gets kicked out.

"Why did you kick him out?" says one of the hotel staff.

"He told me he wanted sex, fucks, and a shit!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_w1n5t0n__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. They're quite efficient, and not very funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ehlodex
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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A story about a legendary Composer

In 1827, after Beethoven died, he was buried outside the local church, in the graveyard, and people came to pay their respects frequently.

One morning, about a week after the funeral, two girls came to leave some flowers on his grave, only to hear strange, unearthly sounds coming from it. Creeped out, they called for the local Paranormal Investigator.

The Investigator arrived an hour later, and with him, a small crowd, who had come to see what was happening to the composer’s grave.

Suddenly, one member of the crowd exclaimed, β€œI recognise that sound! It’s his 9th Symphony, backwards!”

Soon after, another said, β€œand that’s his 8th, backwards!”

After leaning closer to the grave to inspect this for himself, the Investigator straightened himself up, gave a soft chuckle, and said:

β€œNever fear, ladies and gentlemen! Beethoven’s just decomposing.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnixyZ
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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Dad joked my husband

On the night walk with our 2 pups. One is obsessed with toads and every item on the road is suspiciously inspected. Frequently a leaf is sniffed and nosed to encourage a leap. Tonight, a piece of gravel caught her eye with exuberant tailnub wagging! β€œOh pupper that isn’t sedentary; it’s sedimentary.”

Hope you like it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aimlesskeek
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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Sherlock and Watson visit a murder scene

Sherlock inspects the body and notes that the man doesn't have anything covering his top. Watson looks at Sherlock and says "Yeah, no shirt, Sherlock!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/propersquid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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Neo, Trinity and Morpheus walk into a bar.

Beaten up from their last encounter with Agent Smith and his agents, they take a seat at the bar.

Morpheus is nursing his right shoulder, Neo has a busted lip and Trinity has a large cut on her left hand.

Neo says, "Bartender give us your best bottle of whiskey. We're gonna need it."

The bartender grabs a bottle and three tumblers.

Neo cracks open the whiskey and takes a swig straight from the bottle before grabbing the tumblers.

Trinity, inspecting her hand, says "I'm a little worried that this is gonna get infected."

"Don't worry," Morpheus says as Neo grabs Trinity's hand, "Neo's pourin'."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sublime50lbc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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Got the girl behind the counter at the auto shop

I got my car inspected and the exchange when I went to pay was as follows:

Her: "That will be a $30 bill"

Me: "Hmmm, I don't think I have a 30 on me"

Her: polite laughter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phildeez316
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2015
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I've been thinking of a career change

and inspecting mirrors is something I could see myself doing!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phatricko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2017
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Dad nearly made me and mom choke on our coffee

Backstory: I had bought a set of nice Nespresso coffee cups for my parents for Christmas (original, I know). But these aren't your standard, chunky, ceramic Christmas mugs with snowflakes or Santas, but actually something for the type of coffee fanatics that spend their money on Clooney's kind of blend, what else?

So - having dessert; cake, coffee, the whole shabang.

Me, inspecting one of said cups: "I'm glad I actually found a set that doesn't stay in the cupboard all year like literally every other mug you've ever gotten from anyone."

Mom, eating cake: "Mm-hmm."

Me: "Like, these are actually really nice. I like the pattern around the base and how they're round and square at the same time."

Mom, between bites: "They're very nice."

Suddenly, Dad, eating his cake completely silently up until this point: "You should take a picture of them. Might make for a pretty cool mugshot."

Cue me barely managing to swallow my coffee, Mom chuckling into her cup and both our subsequent groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robowiizard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
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Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes is inspecting a bed. He says to Watson "this bed is missing something". Watson replies "no sheet sherlock".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReeferChiefer29
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2017
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I'm now embarrassed to go to Taco Bell

So I was at Taco Bell with my dad and when he handed the cashier the money, he got $5 back in cash

When he further inspected it he saw there was a little bit of it torn off.

So then he approached the cashier and said he only got $4.80 back instead of $5

She held back a groan and asked if he wanted a new $5 bill

I'm now embarrassed to go to Taco Bell

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcguitarman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
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Cure for Boredom

Ok so here's what you do.

Go onto Amazon or Ebay or whatever and purchase a small dog cage. Make SURE that is is made of either completely STEEL. Nothing else. Get advanced shipping or whatever gets it to your door as fast as humanly possible. Now wait patiently for your package to arrive. Once the delivery person knocks on your door to get you to sign for your package tell them to wait until you open the box. If they seem leery of you explain that you have had trouble in the past with your parcels and you just want to make sure that your order is correct. Open the box and remove the cage from the box. Inspect it thoroughly. Now LISTEN CAREFULLY! This is the part you can't mess up. Look up from the cage and stare into that poor delivery person's eyes. Like so deep you can see their ancestors. Say these exact words. "I knew it... I can't believe I ordered a nickel less cage."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Endangerd_Box
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2015
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I was going to open up a factory to make kitchen storage furniture

But on closer inspection, it seemed counter productive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
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Do you know why the Spanish inquisition was so inhuman?

Because no one inspects the Spanish inquisition

 

(For those who don't Monty Python, explaination

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πŸ‘€︎ u/live4lifelegit
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2016
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an old one from my dad

young cousin fascinatedly inspecting one of our house plants "Uncle Dad, what's this plant called?" "I think it's called a 'wandering Jew'". "Oh, is it dangerous?" "Yeah, they're not very gentile."

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πŸ“…︎ May 07 2014
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Overheard this handy-dandy dad joke in the supermarket...

I was cruising through the meat section and a nearby married couple were checking out some lamb shoulders that were on special. The mum picks up a roast, inspects it and deposits it in their trolley where she then notices the package had leaked a bit.

"Oh!" She says. "I've got a bloody hand!"

"You've always had two bloody hands," jokes the dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DAT_CANKLE
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2015
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Out joked by the wife

After getting back from the store, one of the pears we bought was not good upon closer inspection. I cleverly quipped "a-pear-ently one of these pears has a dis-pear-ity". Quite pleased, I chuckled to myself "oh, me and my dad jokes!"...my wife looked at me and said, "did you say dad jokes or bad jokes?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spoobles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
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My brother pointed out that my check engine light is on.

"It's because it has emissions problems." "How did it pass safety inspection if it has emissions problems?" "I guess the tests weren't very exhaustive."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/osofoxy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
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Got my weld instructor last night

He was inspecting my tacks on a project and said "Real good tacks Steakfatt." I replied "would you say they are spec-TACK-uler?" He shook his head and walked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/steakfatt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2015
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My Grandad dropped this one at dinner...

An Official is inspecting a lunatic asylum to find one inmate to be released for the Asylum's anniversary, after several hours of visiting the numerous wards he enters one where he finds a man sitting on his bed carving a wooden block. He approaches the man and asks him what he was carving, the man on the bed replies that he carves wooden clothes pegs, and that each day he makes around 5. "Well that certainly is impressive" the inspector tells the man, "I think I shall recommend you to the warden for release." The inspector then notices a man hanging from the ceiling, "What is he doing up there?" he again questions the man on the bed. "Oh, he thinks he's a light bulb!" The man on the bed replies, "Well, shouldn't we get him down?" the Inspector asks, shocked, "Don't be daft!", remarks the Man on the bed, "I can't work in the dark!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperCraften
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2013
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I can't wait for tomorrow

I was walking past the open bathroom door, and my dad was just inspecting his shaving job. As he rubbed his cheek, he said "I can't wait for tomorrow."

Why's that dad?

"Cuz I get better looking every day."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/squaretie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
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Talking on a walk with Dad

Me: Hey Dad, I'm thinking of getting a hair cut? What do you think? Dad: inspects hair which one?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarahsugarplum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
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Inspecting mirrors is a job I could easily see myself doing
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EarthPhl
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Inspecting mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vysken
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
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Inspecting mirrors is a job i could really see myself doing.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bignate1213
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
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Inspecting mirrors...

A job i could really see myself doing...

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HelpDesk7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2013
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