What do you call a social media influencer who can also write code?

A pro-grammer

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Clbull
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 15 2021
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I couldn't decide on which side of the road I wanted to use my loom. On the northbound side the southbound side looked better. And upon crossing to the southbound side, the northbound side looked better. The cops soon arrested me for operating under the influence.

They said I was weaving all over the road.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 30 2020
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Stoners are lighter, cause only balloons get high

Each time you light with a lighter, the lighter gets lighter untill the light so light that it will not light

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dis907kid
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 30 2021
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I knew my dad's influence would eventually pay off.

He raised me

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/forrestree
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 28 2020
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What do Instagram influencers eat for breakfast?

Raise-in-brand.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/heynow2468
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 04 2020
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Why is the boat influenced by pears?
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ntn_98
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 16 2020
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How do you measure a social media influencer’s popularity?

By dimensions

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/eladabbub
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 13 2020
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Your first name can highly influence your chances for pregnancy.

Like a Sophia has higher chance of getting pregnant in comparison of an Andrew.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/markandor_001
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 25 2020
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What do you call an influencer who makes videos about brass instruments?

A Youtuba

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Titelbech
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 11 2020
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How did the Mob try to influence Marlin Brando’s character in β€˜On the Waterfront’?

By using pier pressure.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rossum81
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 19 2020
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Do flat Earthers have a sphere of influence?

Or do they just plane ignore others?

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2020
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I'm starting to think this sub has a dad influence on me

My bio says otherwise

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/1997_Honda_Civic
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 27 2019
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They say you shouldn’t trust the media because that influences how you see the world...

In reality, you can’t trust light bulb manufacturers because they only show you what you want to see.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/oftenoffend
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 10 2020
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What do you call an influencer who has the flu?

An influenza

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Projkt88
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 11 2020
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How do you weigh an influencer?

In instaGrams

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VaylPone
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 24 2019
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My dad is a bad influence on me...

My line manager just said to me "my friend, he's a chemist, got married to this girl"

Me "don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it..."

Me, while banging my head against something solid... "There must've been chemistry between them..."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/carltomlinsonuk
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 23 2019
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What do you call a guy hastily trying to influence U.S. elections?

Rushin’

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jordy_fresh
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 19 2019
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What do you call an educator under the influence?

A high school teacher

πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hutimuti
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 11 2016
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What do you call a multilingual under the influence?

Rosetta stoned

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/i_dont_have_a_name_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 10 2019
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Need a name for a pig with Mexican influence that's a pun. Can anyone lend a hand?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 34
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/neozan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 09 2016
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The increase of bad parents has directly influenced the increase in gays.

Parents don't tell their kids to straighten up anymore.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Conniption26
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 05 2016
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The driver was charged by police for driving taxi under influence of alcohol.

Police said he was intaxicated

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheImpossibleBanana
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 28 2019
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Proof of Ireland’s influence on Tolkien.... The Cliffs of Moher Door
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rigjitsu
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 21 2018
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My boyfriends humor is influencing my 5 year old..

I told my 5 year old daughter that the colored soap in the car wash was "so pretty." She responded, "dont you mean SOAP pretty?"

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BrokeSunshine
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 29 2014
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Handy Woman gets a job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 01 2020
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ABBA was heavily influenced by the minoans

You can see this in one of their hit singles β€œMinoan me, Minoan you”

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Russiankomrad
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 16 2018
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I think Medusa is a bad influence...

Everytime I see her I get stoned

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/WijoWolf
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 28 2018
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You can actually do calculus under the influence

you just need to know your limits.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 82
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/lurker111111
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 14 2013
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Who are the happiest people?

Nomads

πŸ‘οΈŽ 343
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/johnjustinson
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 02 2019
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Researchers have just found out that diarrhea is influenced by genetics

Citing the evidence that it runs in your jeans.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 142
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/deutschbag17
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 20 2013
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Russian Influence!

After yesterday's hockey game there is proof of Russians influencing the Capitals!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TamanianDevil
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 12 2018
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So, this is the end.

I was arrested for speaking out of line. I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by our small town government, but despite that, my friends and I have pushed on, resisting our mistreatment and misery. But as you know, I was arrested. Surprisingly, I wasn't jailed or executed. I was beaten. They had us in a row, lines up facing our tormentors. The would-be executioners merely thrust their fists upon us. It was brutal. While there, I though to myself, "Huh, I guess this is the punchline."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheTalkingSandvich
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 03 2020
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Seems like my dad's sense of humour is influencing the young mind of my sister who said this just then.

Sister: How does a hunchback sleep?
Me: ... On their side?
Sister: No they close their eyes.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/guest495
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 10 2014
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I may be influencing my girlfriend in a fantastic way.

I always tell her the awesome jokes that I find here and other places. She rolls her eyes ninety percent of the time, as one would expect.

Well the other day I was going up an escalator and got zapped by static electricity-

Me: Ouch!

Her: Aww, it must be because you're such an electri-cutie

I was so proud, it nearly brought a tear to my eye.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BeerIsGood1894
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 23 2013
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Apparently I am a bad influence.

So a couple days ago as I was leaving work I get a phone call from a friend of mine who I shall call k during this story

Now K never calls people so I was surprised that he was calling me, and was even more surprised when the first words he said when I picked up where, β€œAcriloc you’re a bad influence on my brother.”

I was shocked at such an accusation, wounded even and asked why. K then proceeded to tell me how when he was at work he slipped on a recently mopped floor and fractured his arm. A coworker of his dropped him off at the ER where he decided to text his brother C, someone whom I’m friend with as well, while he waited.

C asked if K was ok, and how since K works in a kitchen what’s he going to do if he can’t use his right arm for a while. K then told C how he tends to practice using his left arm just in case anything like this would happen, and though he won’t be able to do everything he did in the kitchen he’ll still be able to work and help out.

C responded with, β€œI guess all that practice came in....handy.”
Causing K to burst out in laughter in the middle of the ER waiting room, filled with people who are in pain and not having a pleasant day. The amount of death stares he got from people as he was laughing while trying to point at his phone and explain he’s laughing because of a lame joke his brother sent him was quite the sight to behold apparently.

Apparently I am to blame for all this because C used to never make jokes like that until he met me since I try to find any excuse to make a dad joke.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Acriloc
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 29 2014
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An evil wizard..

There was an evil wizard who hated mathematics. One day he decided that he would end math once and for all, by capturing the 10 digits, and locking the away forever in his secret prison. So he cast his spell, and all the digits, from 0 to 9 were under his influence. He put them in his magic sack and rode off to the prison. When he reached the prison, he opened the sack. To his horror, there were not 10, but 9 digits there. After searching thoroughly he realized that...it was the 1 that got away.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kickypie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 29 2019
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club...

is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, orate, recite or chat about Thesaurus Club.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 229
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 17 2017
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I think Instagram made me sick

I got a bad case of influencer

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ThePineappleHotspot
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 20 2019
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My drug dealer..

is cracking me up!
Courtesy of a friend of mine

πŸ‘οΈŽ 58
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Gatreh
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 05 2015
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Pastor dad-joked the congregation..

My pastor was talking about the influences of mothers in our lives... He proceeded to talk about how his daughter danced and had pleased Herod, and he offered her anything she wanted, up to half the kingdom. The dancer consulted her mother, who said she should request John the Baptist's head.

This, he informed us, is how to get a head in life.

Dad tears were present.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Jman4647
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 11 2014
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I earned a verbal grunt from my professor for this one.

My professor and I were emailing about the final project I had recently submitted when I decided to take the time to thank her for being so helpful. Professors that make classes easier to understand and add a little humor to their lectures deserve all the praise in the world, and mine was no exception to that. This was also my first class that wasn't a general education course, starting me on an MIS degree.

I emailed her saying something along the lines of,

"Thanks for being so helpful throughout the semester, this was my first MIS class and you really gave me the confidence I needed in knowing I was doing it right."

I followed with "Thanks for making this class so interesting, I will be transferring to (insert new college here) to continue earning my MIS degree. I think it's safe to say you influenced my decision to a certain degree. Hah! Certain degree, get it?"

She called me over after next lecture to tell me how bad my pun was while groaning and chuckling. No regrets.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/NoOneLikesNebraskans
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 01 2014
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My wife was thinking of names for a new face cleanser she made.

She made a face cleanser that is influenced by Asian ingredients. It makes you stay young for way beyond your years so she was thinking about calling it Youth in Asia.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Andykatz14
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 03 2014
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Dad and international humor

Dad and I were having a semi-serious discussion on privacy laws, the internet and stuff like that.

DAD: I was reading a study the other day, and you know what country receives most spam e-mails per citizen by day?

ME: No, I didn't even know the country would influence that...

DAD: Yeah, turns out SPAIM is on top of the list...

ME: .............

DAD: (laughs like a fucking maniac for almost a minute)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/roguewolf
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 26 2014
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