I couldn't decide on which side of the road I wanted to use my loom. On the northbound side the southbound side looked better. And upon crossing to the southbound side, the northbound side looked better. The cops soon arrested me for operating under the influence.

They said I was weaving all over the road.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I knew my dad's influence would eventually pay off.

He raised me

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forrestree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm starting to think this sub has a dad influence on me

My bio says otherwise

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1997_Honda_Civic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Do flat Earthers have a sphere of influence?

Or do they just plane ignore others?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the Mob try to influence Marlin Brando’s character in β€˜On the Waterfront’?

By using pier pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossum81
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
They say you shouldn’t trust the media because that influences how you see the world...

In reality, you can’t trust light bulb manufacturers because they only show you what you want to see.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oftenoffend
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad is a bad influence on me...

My line manager just said to me "my friend, he's a chemist, got married to this girl"

Me "don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it..."

Me, while banging my head against something solid... "There must've been chemistry between them..."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carltomlinsonuk
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an educator under the influence?

A high school teacher

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hutimuti
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy hastily trying to influence U.S. elections?

Rushin’

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jordy_fresh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Need a name for a pig with Mexican influence that's a pun. Can anyone lend a hand?
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neozan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you call a multilingual under the influence?

Rosetta stoned

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
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The driver was charged by police for driving taxi under influence of alcohol.

Police said he was intaxicated

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Proof of Ireland’s influence on Tolkien.... The Cliffs of Moher Door
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rigjitsu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
🚨︎ report
You can actually do calculus under the influence

you just need to know your limits.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lurker111111
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2013
🚨︎ report
I think Medusa is a bad influence...

Everytime I see her I get stoned

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WijoWolf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Russian Influence!

After yesterday's hockey game there is proof of Russians influencing the Capitals!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TamanianDevil
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Apparently I am a bad influence.

So a couple days ago as I was leaving work I get a phone call from a friend of mine who I shall call k during this story

Now K never calls people so I was surprised that he was calling me, and was even more surprised when the first words he said when I picked up where, β€œAcriloc you’re a bad influence on my brother.”

I was shocked at such an accusation, wounded even and asked why. K then proceeded to tell me how when he was at work he slipped on a recently mopped floor and fractured his arm. A coworker of his dropped him off at the ER where he decided to text his brother C, someone whom I’m friend with as well, while he waited.

C asked if K was ok, and how since K works in a kitchen what’s he going to do if he can’t use his right arm for a while. K then told C how he tends to practice using his left arm just in case anything like this would happen, and though he won’t be able to do everything he did in the kitchen he’ll still be able to work and help out.

C responded with, β€œI guess all that practice came in....handy.”
Causing K to burst out in laughter in the middle of the ER waiting room, filled with people who are in pain and not having a pleasant day. The amount of death stares he got from people as he was laughing while trying to point at his phone and explain he’s laughing because of a lame joke his brother sent him was quite the sight to behold apparently.

Apparently I am to blame for all this because C used to never make jokes like that until he met me since I try to find any excuse to make a dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Acriloc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Why did the instagram influencer livestream himself locked in an industrial meat freezer?

Because he wanted to be cool

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patoreddit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a social media influencer who can also write code?

A pro-grammer

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What do Instagram influencers eat for breakfast?

Raise-in-brand.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heynow2468
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is the boat influenced by pears?
πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ntn_98
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure a social media influencer’s popularity?

By dimensions

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eladabbub
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Stoners are lighter, cause only balloons get high

Each time you light with a lighter, the lighter gets lighter untill the light so light that it will not light

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dis907kid
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call an influencer who makes videos about brass instruments?

A Youtuba

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titelbech
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an influencer who has the flu?

An influenza

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Projkt88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you weigh an influencer?

In instaGrams

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaylPone
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
The increase of bad parents has directly influenced the increase in gays.

Parents don't tell their kids to straighten up anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Conniption26
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2016
🚨︎ report
My boyfriends humor is influencing my 5 year old..

I told my 5 year old daughter that the colored soap in the car wash was "so pretty." She responded, "dont you mean SOAP pretty?"

πŸ‘︎ 507
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrokeSunshine
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2014
🚨︎ report
ABBA was heavily influenced by the minoans

You can see this in one of their hit singles β€œMinoan me, Minoan you”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Russiankomrad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Researchers have just found out that diarrhea is influenced by genetics

Citing the evidence that it runs in your jeans.

πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deutschbag17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2013
🚨︎ report
Who are the happiest people?

Nomads

πŸ‘︎ 339
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnjustinson
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Handy Woman gets a job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Seems like my dad's sense of humour is influencing the young mind of my sister who said this just then.

Sister: How does a hunchback sleep?
Me: ... On their side?
Sister: No they close their eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guest495
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
🚨︎ report
I may be influencing my girlfriend in a fantastic way.

I always tell her the awesome jokes that I find here and other places. She rolls her eyes ninety percent of the time, as one would expect.

Well the other day I was going up an escalator and got zapped by static electricity-

Me: Ouch!

Her: Aww, it must be because you're such an electri-cutie

I was so proud, it nearly brought a tear to my eye.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeerIsGood1894
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2013
🚨︎ report
So, this is the end.

I was arrested for speaking out of line. I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by our small town government, but despite that, my friends and I have pushed on, resisting our mistreatment and misery. But as you know, I was arrested. Surprisingly, I wasn't jailed or executed. I was beaten. They had us in a row, lines up facing our tormentors. The would-be executioners merely thrust their fists upon us. It was brutal. While there, I though to myself, "Huh, I guess this is the punchline."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The first rule of Thesaurus Club...

is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, orate, recite or chat about Thesaurus Club.

πŸ‘︎ 227
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2017
🚨︎ report
An evil wizard..

There was an evil wizard who hated mathematics. One day he decided that he would end math once and for all, by capturing the 10 digits, and locking the away forever in his secret prison. So he cast his spell, and all the digits, from 0 to 9 were under his influence. He put them in his magic sack and rode off to the prison. When he reached the prison, he opened the sack. To his horror, there were not 10, but 9 digits there. After searching thoroughly he realized that...it was the 1 that got away.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My drug dealer..

is cracking me up!
Courtesy of a friend of mine

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gatreh
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2015
🚨︎ report
I think Instagram made me sick

I got a bad case of influencer

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Democrats claiming counterfeit Viagra out of China is a danger to our democracy.

Apparently, they are trying to influence our erections.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Disco_Ninjas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Pastor dad-joked the congregation..

My pastor was talking about the influences of mothers in our lives... He proceeded to talk about how his daughter danced and had pleased Herod, and he offered her anything she wanted, up to half the kingdom. The dancer consulted her mother, who said she should request John the Baptist's head.

This, he informed us, is how to get a head in life.

Dad tears were present.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jman4647
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2014
🚨︎ report
I earned a verbal grunt from my professor for this one.

My professor and I were emailing about the final project I had recently submitted when I decided to take the time to thank her for being so helpful. Professors that make classes easier to understand and add a little humor to their lectures deserve all the praise in the world, and mine was no exception to that. This was also my first class that wasn't a general education course, starting me on an MIS degree.

I emailed her saying something along the lines of,

"Thanks for being so helpful throughout the semester, this was my first MIS class and you really gave me the confidence I needed in knowing I was doing it right."

I followed with "Thanks for making this class so interesting, I will be transferring to (insert new college here) to continue earning my MIS degree. I think it's safe to say you influenced my decision to a certain degree. Hah! Certain degree, get it?"

She called me over after next lecture to tell me how bad my pun was while groaning and chuckling. No regrets.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
🚨︎ report
My wife was thinking of names for a new face cleanser she made.

She made a face cleanser that is influenced by Asian ingredients. It makes you stay young for way beyond your years so she was thinking about calling it Youth in Asia.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Andykatz14
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
🚨︎ report

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