Because he is full of shit.
She responded "you shouldn't say that"
I responded "what he just lies all day."
Real convo
Infant tree
... I'll raise you
PS: Happy Mother's Day.... Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!
but she sure loves her droolery
That's just not rite.
After the feeding she couldn't get the baby to sleep so she charged it with resisting a rest
Google-dada
He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.
I asked her if she made it from scratch
The orphanAGE
Axolittles.
i was circumcised when i was born and i couldn't walk for almost a year.
Because he was resisting a rest
It was a little boar ring.
And I was informed that the "10lbs" on the diaper package was for the weight of the baby, not the diaper's load capacity... Who knew?
Does that mean they Hallowean?
It was depressing.
A vanilla Isis baby.
A cowlicky baby.
After a feeding, my beautiful wife went to burp our seven month old son. He let out a gnarly burp, right in her face, to which she said, "Ew. That burp was foul, kid."
I replied with, "Did you feed him chicken salad?"
A delayed, angry smirk was a welcomed response.
and I explained that he and I have a special father-son bond; that he has my "Y" (chromosome). My wife replied, "...and my X".
Which I echoed back to her, in a booming dwarven voice: "AND MY X!"
http://m.imgur.com/diy3i2m
Usually I don't condone infant gratification but I'll let it slide this time...
My infant has a pretty flat head, when I took him to the doctor's office to get a referral for a helmet to shape his head, they asked what his name was.
I told them, "Well, his name is ___, but we like to call him Phillips to encourage him."
I got some truly authentic guffaws, and my dadjoke confidence rose a bit. I feel like I may be getting the hang of this.
It's infantant.
infant-tree (infantry)
Infant-ry
(Technically I haven't heard any joke before, but...)
I was telling my dad about tactile sign, which is what deafblind people use to communicate. It is like signing condensed ASL with someone's hands on yours, and it is what I plan on specializing in when I am a Certified Deaf Interpreter. He brought up Helen Keller and the conversation went as follows.
Dad: "But how many people can really do that? How many people could really communicate with Helen Keller?"
Me: "Well-"
Dad: "PROBABLY JUST A HANDFUL!"
I'm borderline convinced he deafened me as an infant in hopes that someday the set up for this joke would present itself.
I shall call it the "Holy Infant" because it will be tender and mild.
This just happened about an hour ago.
I was holding my infant son, and my wife asked me to hand her the Aquaphor. I said it is a shame we don't have a Dickphor. She just stared at me.
"I don't know what you are saying," she said flatly.
"A dickphor. You know, a dickphor."
"... no idea."
"Oh you know, a dickphor." At this point I'm laughing.
"Wha... I get that you are saying 'dick' instead of 'qua', but I don't understand what that means." She was laughing too by now.
"A dickphor! You've heard of a dickphor! A dickphor!" I figured if I said it enough, she would eventually give me the reply I now needed more than anything.
"... what is a dickph-" she realized in that moment that she had given me exactly what I was after. I could see in her face that she wanted to go back, to un-ask the question. But it was too late. I couldn't hold back long enough for her to even finish the sentence.
"PEEING!" I squealed triumphantly. Not since the Parthian capharacts defeated the calvary of Crassus at Carrhae has a victory tasted so sweet.
We both laughed long enough for our 8 month old son to realize that he was doomed to a life of dadjokes.
Mom: "Wow! I was afraid 1 pound of steak wasn't going to be enough."
Dad: "Yeah, we're really pounding it down!"
Me: Smashes face into mashed potatoes
So, as the title says, a new dad moved in next door with his young wife and infant son.
All the houses in the neighborhood are fairly modest and perfect for new families and first time homebuyers, so we get a lot of those.
As they were unloading, I decided to do the neighborly thing and quickly introduce myself without getting too much in their way.
While we were chatting, his wife comes out with the LARGEST great dane Iβve ever seen.
The shock on my face mustβve been obvious because he quickly explained, with a bit of an annoyed tone, βYea, thatβs my wifeβs dog. I still have my childhood cat, but now this is my biggest pet, Peeve.β
βCome say hello, Peeve!β
I mean, there's a reason they called it the INFANTry.
Took him to the infant-ry
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If adults commit adultery, do infants commit infantry?
Because its job was killing infant tree.
My wife went to remove a bread crumb from our infant son's shirt and somehow managed to flick the piece of bread into her own eye. She looked at me in pain and asked "Do I have a piece of bread in my eye?"
I couldn't help but respond with "yes, but first I must remove the loaf in my own eye".
reference: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+7%3A5&version=ESV
My wife and I are at the winery with my parents and the guy pouring samples is just flirting with all of the women, including my mom and wife, and telling dirty jokes, which is no big deal, but I don't really appreciate him calling wine "panty dropper" when he pours it for my mom. That kind of weird stuff, y'know?
Then he tells a story that he has an identical twin brother, and when they were infants, people would always ask his mother how she tells the two of them apart.
"I can tell them apart by their balls,"
And we're all like, "Jesus, enough with the gross out humor already," but he finishes the joke; "One of the babies bawls all day, the other bawls all night,"
Just got my wife with this...
Wife while feeding infant son: Can you grab a nipple for this bottle? It doesn't have one.
Me: You have one.
Wife: I asked if you... You jerk.
Apparently i need to step up my dad joke game as this is the second good dad joke to come from my wife.
During bath time our infant son was playing with his rubber duckies and lightly whacked himself in the head. My wife, without missing a beat says, "whoops, you got quacked".
Groan
Edit: spelling
