My infant son is a bit constipated. My wife was like "I want to weigh him today" and I said that's not a good idea. She asked why...

Because he is full of shit.

She responded "you shouldn't say that"

I responded "what he just lies all day."

Real convo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kwestwood186
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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What do you call a tree full of armed infants?

Infant tree

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BLizardLeLizard
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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I was playing poker with my infant son, when I told him...

... I'll raise you

PS: Happy Mother's Day.... Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MichaelRM
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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What do you call a baby soldier?

An INFANTry man

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drogers5606
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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My infant daughter is too young for earings

but she sure loves her droolery

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/purchell53
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"

That's just not rite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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Photo of police officer breastfeeding a stranger's hungry infant is warming hearts around the world.

After the feeding she couldn't get the baby to sleep so she charged it with resisting a rest

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ButterCupHeartXO
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
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Google Just launched an application for infants and newborns, it's called

Google-dada

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Udjasen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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My infant son crapped his pants while I was voting today.

He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cdmccabe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
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My infant daughter woke up with a cut on her face

I asked her if she made it from scratch

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harpin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2016
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What do historians call the period of time in which many parents left their infant children behind?

The orphanAGE

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grantzke
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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People say circumcision doesn't hurt, but i disagree.

i was circumcised when i was born and i couldn't walk for almost a year.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HungryPizzax
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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Why did the cop arrest his infant son?

Because he was resisting a rest

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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Fun fact: Axolotls our one of the only species to have a different name in their infancy.

Axolittles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReflexNL
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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I went to that circle of infant male pigs expecting to have a good time but...

It was a little boar ring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Electrolightning
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2017
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My infant had a checkup at her pediatrician today...

And I was informed that the "10lbs" on the diaper package was for the weight of the baby, not the diaper's load capacity... Who knew?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackknightxiv
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
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If an infant learns to eat solid food on October 31st...

Does that mean they Hallowean?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Silverr-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2017
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Just finished and infant CPR class.

It was depressing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sorry_Firefighter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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What do you call an infant Caucasian terrorist?

A vanilla Isis baby.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frozenmoses
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2015
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What do you call an infant with messy hair?

A cowlicky baby.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CookieSan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2017
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Just got my wife and infant son with this one...

After a feeding, my beautiful wife went to burp our seven month old son. He let out a gnarly burp, right in her face, to which she said, "Ew. That burp was foul, kid."

I replied with, "Did you feed him chicken salad?"

A delayed, angry smirk was a welcomed response.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SU55
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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My wife and I were talking about our infant son..

and I explained that he and I have a special father-son bond; that he has my "Y" (chromosome). My wife replied, "...and my X".

Which I echoed back to her, in a booming dwarven voice: "AND MY X!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fangsta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2014
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" So that you remember our troops this holiday season, here's an infant tree."

http://m.imgur.com/diy3i2m

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frecklefries
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
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My wife gave our 2 year old candy cause she was crying...

Usually I don't condone infant gratification but I'll let it slide this time...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTimeDictator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Got my son's surgeon today pretty good.

My infant has a pretty flat head, when I took him to the doctor's office to get a referral for a helmet to shape his head, they asked what his name was.

I told them, "Well, his name is ___, but we like to call him Phillips to encourage him."

I got some truly authentic guffaws, and my dadjoke confidence rose a bit. I feel like I may be getting the hang of this.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/goldraven
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
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How big is the mothers womb?

It's infantant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanillanesquik
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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I made a post about bears......
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πŸ‘€︎ u/necrotechnical
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2016
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what do you call a sapling in the military?

infant-tree (infantry)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Primeruler
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
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I'm Deaf, I teach sign language, and I hadn't heard this Helen Keller joke before.

(Technically I haven't heard any joke before, but...)

I was telling my dad about tactile sign, which is what deafblind people use to communicate. It is like signing condensed ASL with someone's hands on yours, and it is what I plan on specializing in when I am a Certified Deaf Interpreter. He brought up Helen Keller and the conversation went as follows.

Dad: "But how many people can really do that? How many people could really communicate with Helen Keller?"

Me: "Well-"

Dad: "PROBABLY JUST A HANDFUL!"

I'm borderline convinced he deafened me as an infant in hopes that someday the set up for this joke would present itself.

πŸ‘︎ 743
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haydenkristal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2014
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What do You call an army of child soldiers?

Infant-ry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnEdgyPie
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2018
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New Christmas Burger

I shall call it the "Holy Infant" because it will be tender and mild.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rschudel11
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2016
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So I'm one of them now

This just happened about an hour ago.

I was holding my infant son, and my wife asked me to hand her the Aquaphor. I said it is a shame we don't have a Dickphor. She just stared at me.

"I don't know what you are saying," she said flatly.

"A dickphor. You know, a dickphor."

"... no idea."

"Oh you know, a dickphor." At this point I'm laughing.

"Wha... I get that you are saying 'dick' instead of 'qua', but I don't understand what that means." She was laughing too by now.

"A dickphor! You've heard of a dickphor! A dickphor!" I figured if I said it enough, she would eventually give me the reply I now needed more than anything.

"... what is a dickph-" she realized in that moment that she had given me exactly what I was after. I could see in her face that she wanted to go back, to un-ask the question. But it was too late. I couldn't hold back long enough for her to even finish the sentence.

"PEEING!" I squealed triumphantly. Not since the Parthian capharacts defeated the calvary of Crassus at Carrhae has a victory tasted so sweet.

We both laughed long enough for our 8 month old son to realize that he was doomed to a life of dadjokes.

πŸ‘︎ 597
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatbridge
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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While eating dinner tonight...

Mom: "Wow! I was afraid 1 pound of steak wasn't going to be enough."

Dad: "Yeah, we're really pounding it down!"

Me: Smashes face into mashed potatoes

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BLOW_ME_pls
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
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A new dad moved in next door...

So, as the title says, a new dad moved in next door with his young wife and infant son.

All the houses in the neighborhood are fairly modest and perfect for new families and first time homebuyers, so we get a lot of those.

As they were unloading, I decided to do the neighborly thing and quickly introduce myself without getting too much in their way.

While we were chatting, his wife comes out with the LARGEST great dane I’ve ever seen.

The shock on my face must’ve been obvious because he quickly explained, with a bit of an annoyed tone, β€œYea, that’s my wife’s dog. I still have my childhood cat, but now this is my biggest pet, Peeve.”

β€œCome say hello, Peeve!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/racas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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You know, why don't they enlist babies in the military?

I mean, there's a reason they called it the INFANTry.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cryptolites
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
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What did the drill sergeant do with his newborn when the babysitter cancelled?

Took him to the infant-ry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chandler404
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2017
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On the joys of growing up

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dinosaurking88
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2017
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If adults commit adultery...

If adults commit adultery, do infants commit infantry?

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djdanlib
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2013
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A machine gun crew shot over a thousand saplings.

Because its job was killing infant tree.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KuntaStillSingle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
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dad joked my wife

My wife went to remove a bread crumb from our infant son's shirt and somehow managed to flick the piece of bread into her own eye. She looked at me in pain and asked "Do I have a piece of bread in my eye?"

I couldn't help but respond with "yes, but first I must remove the loaf in my own eye".

reference: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+7%3A5&version=ESV

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awhitehatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2015
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At the winery...

My wife and I are at the winery with my parents and the guy pouring samples is just flirting with all of the women, including my mom and wife, and telling dirty jokes, which is no big deal, but I don't really appreciate him calling wine "panty dropper" when he pours it for my mom. That kind of weird stuff, y'know?

Then he tells a story that he has an identical twin brother, and when they were infants, people would always ask his mother how she tells the two of them apart.

"I can tell them apart by their balls,"

And we're all like, "Jesus, enough with the gross out humor already," but he finishes the joke; "One of the babies bawls all day, the other bawls all night,"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elbr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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Nipples

Just got my wife with this...

Wife while feeding infant son: Can you grab a nipple for this bottle? It doesn't have one.

Me: You have one.

Wife: I asked if you... You jerk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unclerudy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
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Wife just dad joked our son

Apparently i need to step up my dad joke game as this is the second good dad joke to come from my wife.

During bath time our infant son was playing with his rubber duckies and lightly whacked himself in the head. My wife, without missing a beat says, "whoops, you got quacked".

Groan

Edit: spelling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/quiksilver895
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2014
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