Lately, Iβve grown increasingly apathetic towards eating vegetables

Some days, I just donβt carrot all

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π€︎ u/NotMetheThree
π︎ May 24 2020
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I was watching a series of increasingly funny cow videos, and even though CowVid#18 was hilarious...

...I just couldn't bring myself to watch the next one. I just had this vague sense that something bad was going to happen.

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π︎ Jun 07 2020
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Lately my wife has become increasingly frustrated with the amount of geriatric patients sheβs been seeing...

Itβs getting old

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π€︎ u/tico46
π︎ Jan 17 2020
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Here is a series of increasingly terrible math puns.

What kind of math do birds use?

Owl-gebra

What kind of math does a farmer use?

Cow-culus

What kind of math should you avoid if you have carpal tunnel?

A-wrist-metic

Which mathematical process would you use to find the total amount of chinaware you have?

Which mathematical process would be most commonly found in a 1950's style diner?

Malt-iplication

If one runner on team injured her leg, how would you find out how many can still run?

Sub-track-tion

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π€︎ u/SkipperXIV
π︎ Apr 16 2015
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A new study finds fish are increasingly weight conscious.

Scientists hypothesize this is because they're always surrounded by scales.

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π€︎ u/nothingsexy
π︎ Apr 06 2016
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The wine makers have increased production

Apparently they are having a very grape day.

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π︎ Feb 15 2021
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So yall know how people used wooden dentures in the 19th century? I wonder if women ever tried or thought of using the same idea to increase boob size.

That would be something, now wooden tit?

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π€︎ u/phx14_
π︎ Jan 11 2021
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What increases in weight as it decreases in volume?

A wet Pomeranian.

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π€︎ u/David_F_Pumpkins
π︎ Jan 01 2021
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I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.

The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.

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π€︎ u/sodomicity
π︎ Dec 01 2020
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Ive invented a product that increases the size of your basement...

I hope it is a big cellar.

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π€︎ u/VERBERD
π︎ Nov 06 2020
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With the increasing cases of Covid in America, I was worried there would be a shortage of paper towels.

But I found the grocery story to be Bounty full.

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π€︎ u/Zkck0517
π︎ Oct 17 2020
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Studies show habitual marijuana smokers have increased saliva production

When asked if there was any prevention, scientists stated you can either spit or get off the pot.

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π€︎ u/WaxEcho
π︎ Jul 26 2020
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Lines for urinals have become an increasing problem in containing the coronavirus.

So mind your pees in queues.

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π€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
π︎ Jul 12 2020
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Have you heard about the population increase in Ireland?

Yeah, they say itβs Dublin.

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π€︎ u/rhodatoyota
π︎ Aug 15 2020
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Women should not have babies after 40.

That's too many babies.

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π€︎ u/MookieV
π︎ Nov 14 2020
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Chinese synthesize new element which causes a 500% increase rate of panda mating

It's panda-moan-ium.

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π€︎ u/Psyched_to_Learn
π︎ Jul 13 2020
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With everyone in lockdown, cases of Stuckhome syndrome are significantly increasing.
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π€︎ u/KEARNAG3
π︎ Apr 21 2020
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Did you know that flight simulator game sales have increased since the outbreak?

A lot of pilots are working from home too!

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π︎ May 26 2020
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I was hired to represent the hard outer layers of cereal grain in a positive light and by doing so help to increase awareness and sales.

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π€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
π︎ May 16 2020
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Have you heard about Amazonβs plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?

Theyβre projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.

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π€︎ u/HandCrimped
π︎ Dec 02 2020
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Increasing security
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π€︎ u/luckiest0522
π︎ Aug 02 2019
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Breaking News: Cornwall has been placed in Tier 4 lockdown.

Hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families.

Apparently the Arrrr rate has increased dramatically.

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π€︎ u/1963Jan
π︎ Dec 31 2020
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Taylor Swift could further increase her revenue by opening an express alterations shop

and calling it Tailor Swift

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π€︎ u/timeexterminator
π︎ Oct 25 2019
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A local baker decided he could increase production and profits by putting bread in the oven for half the usual time.

His half-baked scheme didn't work out the way he had planned.

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π€︎ u/Vandorbelt
π︎ Sep 17 2017
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Why doesnβt the guy like to wear a mask?

He said it lowers his maskulinity.

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π€︎ u/BarbecueStu
π︎ Aug 12 2020
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I have a invention! It's a small edible device that would freshen your breath while simultaneously releasing a subtle and soothing A-chord. You would use the device (with the fresh breath and soothing sound) to help increase the effectiveness of apologies.

I call it:

THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!

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π€︎ u/gbeeson
π︎ May 09 2016
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What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance?

Look at it through a magnifying glass.

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π€︎ u/i_hate_android_p
π︎ May 10 2019
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Thereβs a recent report that counterfeit \$1 bills have increased in circulation.

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

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π€︎ u/porichoygupto
π︎ May 26 2019
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When baby delights, and pitch of voice increases

We call this high coo.

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π€︎ u/CaptainPatent
π︎ Sep 18 2017
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The increase of bad parents has directly influenced the increase in gays.

Parents don't tell their kids to straighten up anymore.

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π€︎ u/Conniption26
π︎ Oct 05 2016
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In an announcement to coincide with International Women's Day, the Church of England has announced a drive to increase the number of female vicars...

They want to decrease the gender pray gap

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π€︎ u/cybot2001
π︎ Mar 08 2019
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Once upon a time in numberland, the numbers 3 and 5 were jealous of the number 2.

2 was enjoying a special position in the sequence of numbers. It was the only even prime number. All the other even numbers existed only because 2 existed. Heck, even computers ran on base-2.

As a result, 2 looked down upon all the other numbers, but no one could do anything about it.

3 and 5 conspired against 2 and decided they needed to do something so that it lost its powers. They kidnapped 2, and through magic divided 2βs powers equally among themselves. 2 ceased to exist. 3 and 5 both increased by 1.

Looking at 2βs dead body, they said, βNow we are even.β

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π€︎ u/keychainoi
π︎ Sep 16 2020
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Did you know that having a household cat increases your chances of being killed by a cat?

I was petrified.

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π€︎ u/SpectrumPrime
π︎ Jan 07 2019
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I wasn't sure about increasing my bandwidth

But I think it was net gain

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π€︎ u/kirillsimin
π︎ Sep 30 2018
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In the future...

In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" ππ€£

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π€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
π︎ Jul 15 2020
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Studies show that telling Dad Jokes increases fertility.

I mean... it's conceivable.

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π€︎ u/ivey090
π︎ Mar 06 2018
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Job Interview for Later

Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning \$17,000; later that will increase to \$21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."

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π€︎ u/ALizardKing
π︎ Jul 06 2020
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Did you guys hear about Trump wanting to inject disinfectant?

It'll lead to an increase in the Dettol.

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π€︎ u/thespecialpun
π︎ Apr 25 2020
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What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

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π€︎ u/timoteostewart
π︎ Sep 07 2018
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What's more effective than a heat-seeking missile?

A heat-seeking hittle

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π€︎ u/ChaoticFather
π︎ Apr 17 2018
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Bus drivers keep increasing the rate on a local route

I guess they're taking me for a ride

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π€︎ u/scott003
π︎ Dec 17 2016
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Prime numbers and stoners have a lot in common.

The higher they are, the more spaced out they become.

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π€︎ u/porichoygupto
π︎ Apr 16 2018
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Why do partcles get exited when we heat something up?

Because it's volume increases

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π€︎ u/MAX3344
π︎ Apr 04 2020
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What happens when this post gets updooted

There's an increase in enslaved 1's and 0's

thanks to u/Dietcokeisgod for helping

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π€︎ u/LolzLolzHey
π︎ Dec 24 2019
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Have you heard about the recent Irish population increase?

It's Dublin.

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π€︎ u/ColonialDagger
π︎ Mar 17 2015
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