Lately, I’ve grown increasingly apathetic towards eating vegetables
Some days, I just don’t carrot all
I was watching a series of increasingly funny cow videos, and even though CowVid#18 was hilarious...
...I just couldn't bring myself to watch the next one. I just had this vague sense that something bad was going to happen.
Lately my wife has become increasingly frustrated with the amount of geriatric patients she’s been seeing...
Here is a series of increasingly terrible math puns.
What kind of math do birds use?
Owl-gebra
What kind of math does a farmer use?
Cow-culus
What kind of math should you avoid if you have carpal tunnel?
A-wrist-metic
Which mathematical process would you use to find the total amount of chinaware you have?
Ad-dish-on
Which mathematical process would be most commonly found in a 1950's style diner?
Malt-iplication
If one runner on team injured her leg, how would you find out how many can still run?
Sub-track-tion
A new study finds fish are increasingly weight conscious.
Scientists hypothesize this is because they're always surrounded by scales.
The wine makers have increased production
Apparently they are having a very grape day.
So yall know how people used wooden dentures in the 19th century? I wonder if women ever tried or thought of using the same idea to increase boob size.
That would be something, now wooden tit?
What increases in weight as it decreases in volume?
I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.
The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.
Ive invented a product that increases the size of your basement...
I hope it is a big cellar.
With the increasing cases of Covid in America, I was worried there would be a shortage of paper towels.
But I found the grocery story to be Bounty full.
Studies show habitual marijuana smokers have increased saliva production
When asked if there was any prevention, scientists stated you can either spit or get off the pot.
Lines for urinals have become an increasing problem in containing the coronavirus.
So mind your pees in queues.
Have you heard about the population increase in Ireland?
Yeah, they say it’s Dublin.
Women should not have babies after 40.
Chinese synthesize new element which causes a 500% increase rate of panda mating
With everyone in lockdown, cases of Stuckhome syndrome are significantly increasing.
Did you know that flight simulator game sales have increased since the outbreak?
A lot of pilots are working from home too!
I was hired to represent the hard outer layers of cereal grain in a positive light and by doing so help to increase awareness and sales.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
Breaking News: Cornwall has been placed in Tier 4 lockdown.
Hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families.
Apparently the Arrrr rate has increased dramatically.
Taylor Swift could further increase her revenue by opening an express alterations shop
and calling it Tailor Swift
A local baker decided he could increase production and profits by putting bread in the oven for half the usual time.
His half-baked scheme didn't work out the way he had planned.
Why doesn’t the guy like to wear a mask?
He said it lowers his maskulinity.
I have a invention! It's a small edible device that would freshen your breath while simultaneously releasing a subtle and soothing A-chord. You would use the device (with the fresh breath and soothing sound) to help increase the effectiveness of apologies.
I call it:
THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!
What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance?
Look at it through a magnifying glass.
There’s a recent report that counterfeit $1 bills have increased in circulation.
Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
When baby delights, and pitch of voice increases
The increase of bad parents has directly influenced the increase in gays.
Parents don't tell their kids to straighten up anymore.
In an announcement to coincide with International Women's Day, the Church of England has announced a drive to increase the number of female vicars...
They want to decrease the gender pray gap
Once upon a time in numberland, the numbers 3 and 5 were jealous of the number 2.
2 was enjoying a special position in the sequence of numbers. It was the only even prime number. All the other even numbers existed only because 2 existed. Heck, even computers ran on base-2.
As a result, 2 looked down upon all the other numbers, but no one could do anything about it.
3 and 5 conspired against 2 and decided they needed to do something so that it lost its powers. They kidnapped 2, and through magic divided 2’s powers equally among themselves. 2 ceased to exist. 3 and 5 both increased by 1.
Looking at 2’s dead body, they said, “Now we are even.”
Did you know that having a household cat increases your chances of being killed by a cat?
I wasn't sure about increasing my bandwidth
But I think it was net gain
In the future...
In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" 😂🤣
Studies show that telling Dad Jokes increases fertility.
I mean... it's conceivable.
Job Interview for Later
Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning $17,000; later that will increase to $21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."
Did you guys hear about Trump wanting to inject disinfectant?
It'll lead to an increase in the Dettol.
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?
What's more effective than a heat-seeking missile?
Bus drivers keep increasing the rate on a local route
I guess they're taking me for a ride
Prime numbers and stoners have a lot in common.
The higher they are, the more spaced out they become.
Why do partcles get exited when we heat something up?
Because it's volume increases
What happens when this post gets updooted
There's an increase in enslaved 1's and 0's
thanks to u/Dietcokeisgod for helping
Have you heard about the recent Irish population increase?
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