..to find exactly 32 of them.
Some days, I just don’t carrot all
...I just couldn't bring myself to watch the next one. I just had this vague sense that something bad was going to happen.
It’s getting old
What kind of math do birds use?
Owl-gebra
What kind of math does a farmer use?
Cow-culus
What kind of math should you avoid if you have carpal tunnel?
A-wrist-metic
Which mathematical process would you use to find the total amount of chinaware you have?
Ad-dish-on
Which mathematical process would be most commonly found in a 1950's style diner?
Malt-iplication
If one runner on team injured her leg, how would you find out how many can still run?
Sub-track-tion
Scientists hypothesize this is because they're always surrounded by scales.
Apparently they are having a very grape day.
That would be something, now wooden tit?
A wet Pomeranian.
The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.
I hope it is a big cellar.
But I found the grocery story to be Bounty full.
I'm quite the music history buff- always have been. My first inkling as a college student was to explore turning this into a career. So I found a music museum, wrote an impassioned essay, and somehow landed the 12-week internship.
When I got there, I met the curator, a woman named Rhonda. Like me, she had grown up enjoying music and always wanting to know more. Thanks to grants and donors' generosity, she had helped continue the museum's legacy of showcasing what might otherwise be lost to history.
The tradition of the museum had always been to let the interns work in the orchestral wing. My assignment in particular was the string section.
Now I didn't know a whole lot about the string family, but I saw some really fine specimens and decided we could perhaps tell a broader story about the progression of the instruments. And so I began studying.
After about a week of studying, I went to Rhonda and asked if we could do something different here. She was very receptive to the idea and introduced me to her assistant, Dr. Will. His PhD was in history, natch, but he still relished having everyone call him Doctor. It was funny.
Dr. Will helped me learn so much about how the family of instruments developed over time, their overall cultural footprint, etc.
Did you know a fiddle and a violin are the same thing? Did you know the viola family dates back to the 16th C.? Vivaldi wrote 25 cello concertos!
I dazzled visitors with tales of the Stradivarius, Amati and Guarneri families. I noted the increase in neck length over time. I reassured them that despite the name catgut, no cat intestines were used in the creation of these instruments—but it sure might be sheep or goat.
Sadly, 12 weeks goes by quickly when you're having fun, and I got enthusiastic letters of recommendation from Rhonda and Dr. Will, and I do miss them. Hello, you two.
I figured I could waltz (sorry) right in to more museum jobs later, but boy, was I mistaken.
I kept interviewing for the job, but after about the 10th cold shoulder, I had to find out what I was doing wrong. I had done such a good job, after all, right??????
So I fucking called the museum
got the guy who interviewed me on the line—and he wasn't thrilled to even talk to me. But I asked him, sir, why didn't I even get a call back? Weren't my qualifications good?
He said, yes, BUT.......
"...we simply can't hire someone who has exhibited a history of violins."
According to NASA, in 600 million years, the moon's orbit will have increased enough that total solar eclipses will no longer be possible. After that point, the only total eclipses will be lunar and "of the heart".
So mind your pees in queues.
When asked if there was any prevention, scientists stated you can either spit or get off the pot.
The clerk said “Actually, it is due to increased inflation.”
That's too many babies.
It's panda-moan-ium.
A lot of pilots are working from home too!
I'm a bran ambassador.
At first he took one step and then stopped. Then he took three steps and then stopped. He kept increasing his steps this way along the sidewalk when I thought to myself, “That’s an odd way of walking.”
His half-baked scheme didn't work out the way he had planned.
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
and calling it Tailor Swift
I call it:
THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!
We call this high coo.
Parents don't tell their kids to straighten up anymore.
Look at it through a magnifying glass.
Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
Hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families.
Apparently the Arrrr rate has increased dramatically.
They want to decrease the gender pray gap
I was petrified.
He said it lowers his maskulinity.
But I think it was net gain
I mean... it's conceivable.
2 was enjoying a special position in the sequence of numbers. It was the only even prime number. All the other even numbers existed only because 2 existed. Heck, even computers ran on base-2.
As a result, 2 looked down upon all the other numbers, but no one could do anything about it.
3 and 5 conspired against 2 and decided they needed to do something so that it lost its powers. They kidnapped 2, and through magic divided 2’s powers equally among themselves. 2 ceased to exist. 3 and 5 both increased by 1.
Looking at 2’s dead body, they said, “Now we are even.”
In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" 😂🤣
The mean increases.
A heat-seeking hittle
Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning $17,000; later that will increase to $21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."
It'll lead to an increase in the Dettol.
