"Honey, who might bee at the front door?"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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Why did a camel have 3 humps?

He was born in Chernobyl

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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Whale they sure know how to hump back from extinction
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FredJamilton
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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What do you call a camel without humps?

Humphrey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Comsicwastaken
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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An Arabian camel wanted to race in the Kentucky Derby but couldn't because in addition to being a camel, he had a hump.

So he came up with a plan: he would have his hump removed surgically and run as a horse in the Derby. He went online and finally found a plastic surgeon who would do the operation. And lo and behold, the first time he entered the Derby he won by 20 lengths!
Back in the desert, every time a camel friend would come over, he would boast pompously about his win, talking about nothing else. Pretty soon, his friends stopped coming over. So he has to go to the camel bar to see them. Upon entering the bar, one of his tired friends says to another, "oh no! Here comes Hump free braggart."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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What do you call a camel with three humps?

Humphrey

(hump three)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Namirred
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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Bought a camel with no humps

We named him Humphrey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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Did you hear the nursery rhyme where one letter gets laid then leaves the other letter?

Humped D dumped E

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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I heard this i while back don’t remember where its from, sorry if it seems butchered(longish)

One day a loving husband and father of 2 sons comes home, one of the sons asks him to come upstairs, so he comes upstairs and his son saysβ€œdad, im gay” the father, surprised says β€œwell, okay, i still support you son”.
The next day the father comes home to his other son asking him to come upstairs, he goes and the son also comes out as gay, the loving father says β€œboth you and your brother, i wont have any kids, but, i still support you”........ ........ ........ ........ ........ ........ The father then walks down stairs to go and play with the family dog(male) and finds him in the backyard humping the neighbors(also male) dog. The father walks back into the house and exclaims β€œDoes anyone in this house like women”.
His wife taps him on the sholder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeek7Br-Ba
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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I need a pun for a caption of a deer humping another deer

All I can think is "Sure looks like they're having fawn"... but that sucks. So help please.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkramer4
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2014
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I don't know why they call them speed humps...

If anything, they slow you down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SerTomSnow
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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I have an intense fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tardtart
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2018
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Breaking news: Donald Trump got a dog and the gossip is that this dog keeps humping everything. He's horny...

Which is to be expected since he is a trump-pet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/usedsurname
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
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A camel with one hump and a camel with two humps had a baby with no humps, what did they name it?

Humphrey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProClueless
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
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Why do the guys at wall street lean to one side?

They're mostly ana-lists

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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My 4 day work week is like my 21 year marriage

No hump day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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#zootopia_vibes

What do you call a three humped camel? Pregnant..ha...ha...ha (flash's laugh)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Im_the_black_hole
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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What do you call a Wednesday with no rain?

A dry hump day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaymantheLegend
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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How do you know when a whale likes you?

They hump back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pinkyporkchops
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory

I saw the hump take a dump in a clump

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevebox2345
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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Are you part whale?

Because I want to Hump Back

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icantfeelthisway
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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Talking about what kind of interesting animal products we had eaten...

A colleague of mine says, "I tried camel milk once."

Another colleague says, "did you have it with one hump or two?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_klowne
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2015
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dad wanting to go to a concert

dad: "sweetheart, do you know Spanish singer Julio Iglesias? He said he wanted to have another concert soon, you know! "

mom: "My deaaar, if I say 'Julio', it is pronounced as 'Hulio'. Don't embarrassed me like that ... "

dad: "Ooo ... is that so, ...?"

mom: "Yes, dear. When will the concert be available? "

dad: "It was Hanuari, but it was postponed. Either its Hune or Huly. Lets Watch it! After that, I plan to hump together with him at his room, what do you think?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ander427
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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If it doesn't rain on Wednesday, my girlfriend promised to get mildly frisky with me

Hopefully it'll be a dry hump day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godredd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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Dad for the win last night.

So my family and I are all gathering around the TV watching the Notre Dame & North Carolina basketball game last night, when out of nowhere my dog starts dry humping the air.

It's absolutely hilarious when he does it, and it all never fails to make everyone laugh hysterically. Take in mind that my dog is neutered so he's super horny but, obviously doesn't really no what he's doing since his baby makers were chopped off. Anyways, my brothers trying to get him to come to him and he's just sitting there looking at him with this his devious little dog face.

Angrily, my brother says,

"He's probably so disobedient because you guys had to go and cut off his balls."

Everyone nodded their heads agreeably, except my dad who mumbles,

"Yeah Matt, that must explain why he never comes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Huv
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2016
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3 camels walking in a row...

3 camels walking in a row through the desert...

First one in the line has 2 humps, his name is 'Two-hump"

Next has 1 hump... name is 'One-hump'

Last has no humps... what's his name?

...

Humphrey!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rapidfire_puns
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2015
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What's Wednesday called when it's not raining?

Dry hump-day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaboi69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2015
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my dad took time out of his day to email me these

What do you call three rabbits in a row hopping backwards?

A receding hare line.

What do you call a camel with no hump?

Humphrey.

Love ya dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the253monster
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2014
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What day is it?

Dad: Hey... HEY... What day is it??? Me: [Did I forget a birthday?] ??? Dad: HUMP day! Me: It's hump day for me, but I thought there was no more humping when you're retired!

He's ready to be GRANDFATHERED in, I think. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deepteeth
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
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What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wutisthis66204
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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What do you call a camel with no hump?

Humphrey.

What do you call a camel with three humps?

Pregnant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Safe_For_Work
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
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What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LyricalWillow
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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What do you call a camel without a hump?

Humphrey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/picklesoiree
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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What do you call a camel with 3 humps?

Pregnant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moosotz
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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What do you call a camel with no humps

Humpfree

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wpallister123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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What do you call a camel with no hump?

Humphrey.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naiphe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lemonmonsterlady
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
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What do you call a camel without humps?

Humphrey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bcleveland3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
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What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tashizzlet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2013
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fishyyyyy

what do you call a 3 humped camel?

pregnant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobyboi1234
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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