A hospital pun in these covid times!
My son was just born and another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.
He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"
"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."
What part of the hospital has the least privacy?
*calls mum * son : I'm in hospital but don't worry everything is fine
Mum : you're the daym doctor and this wasn't funny the first time
My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital. “Two EMTs?” I asked her...
...don’t you mean “pair o’ medics”?
The hospital I stayed in was robbed!
I guess you could say there were pirates of the Care-I-Be-In.
Are we playing peekaboo in a hospital?
What do you call the section of hospital dedicated to squid?
My wife gave birth to our baby boy otw to the hospital...
My buddy Jerry had to get taken to the hospital, unfortunately it looked like he needed to be operated on. He was unconscious and when he came to, he asked “what’s going to happen, am I going to be alright?”
Where is the worst place to hid in a hospital?
My Grandad was rushed to the hospital with possible concussion, they asked him “whats my name?”
He said “we need another doctor, this idiot doesnt know his own name!”
One day a man took his wife to a restaurant instead of a hospital
The restaurant had free delivery
Had to take my blind roommate to the hospital today.
Last time I leave the plunger in the toilet .
Who’s the nicest guy at the hospital?
When we came home from the hospital with our newborn son, my wife asked if the house was baby proof.
I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.
John was the best liver surgeon in his hospital.
I guess you could say he always delivered.
What's the occupation that has the most likely hood of putting people in the hospital?
What hospital ward is john cena afraid of?
What do you call medical professionals who don't feed their patients after an overnight stay in the hospital?
Doctors without boarders.
I went to visit my friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I found was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.
Four men waiting in the hospital
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”
I got lost while driving my suicidal friend to the hospital.
I should have seen the signs.
At the hospital they’re taking virus cases on a ‘first catch’ basis...
It’s in a corona-logical order.
A baggage handler couldn’t understand how he caught COVID 19 but was discharged from hospital the next day.
The Doctor told him it was a brief-case.
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.
A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........
.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'
My buddy was rushed into the hospital after showing decorticate posturing. He woke up and I asked him if he remembered anything.
He said it felt really apalling
Why did the potato got to the hospital?
Because of Tuber-colosis heh
Hey kids, do you know why did the banana go to the hospital?
He was peeling really bad! Hahaha!!
Patient in hospital bed shouts to the doctor. Doctor Doctor I cant feel my legs!
I know that the doctor said; We have amputated your arms....
People don’t mind long lines at the hospital
A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"
He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"
Nurse: A patient named Stephen has come into the hospital with acidosis (meaning their blood has become too acidic)
Doctor: Stephen with a "ph"?
Nurse: Yes, a low one.
I was attacked by a flock of sheep and was sent to the hospital...
Luckily, I was only grazed.
My mate works in Dublin hospital’s fracture clinic. The pay's crap....
....but she enjoys the craic.
Why do they condition all of the I.V. bottles at the hospital?
Everyone loves smooth saline!
Making my morning rounds in hospital when I ask a patient how his breakfast was. "The eggs and sausage were fine, but the Kentucky Jelly was awful," he replied. "What 'Kentucky Jelly'?" I ask.
Then he shows me the empty packet of KY Jelly had smeared all over his morning toast.
A guy runs into a bar and goes on a trip to the hospital.
My wife gave birth to our son in our car on the way to the hospital
Which part of the hospital has the least privacy?
What part of the hospital has the least privacy
I called my parents and told them not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.
They told me "You're the doctor and this wasn't funny the first time".
A man woke up in a hospital after a terrible accident. He shouted, "Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know. I amputated your arms!”
A bloke wakes up in hospital after an operation and shouts "Doctor I cant feel my legs"
The doctor said i know we chopped your arms off.
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