Holdings Puns

I asked him "Are you by any chance a pole- vaulter?"

He looked surprised "Nein, I'm German, but how did you know my name vas Valter?"

Armed forces

Maybe, they just want each other to shut the fcuk up.

He said "I'm going to choo choo"

I gotta say, it really tied the room together...

The man approaches a baker and says "excuse me, do you serve crab cakes here?"

The baker replies "no, we do not."

Saddened, the man lifts up the crab and says "what a shame... it's his cake day."

I said, “Oi, what’s your game?”

I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.

She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"

And then the penne dropped.

The bartender goes: "Don't start anything here"

...I will not be deterred!!

I feel betrayed.

"Ladies and Gentlemen" he yells!! "This is not a drill."

Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

Me: Why?

Wife: I don't want to drive im-pear-ed!

Not even if it's a boning knife.

He didn't know where to turn, before things went south.

If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc

Say “ah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?

Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.

The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.

“4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”

My answer is always the same: Because.

Bazooka with bazongas. (I blame my 12yr old son for this)

Immanuel Kan't.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

Well dam..

They must be plotting something

I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”

Of course it is, Kayleigh. She was born two days ago!

Mountain climbing with friends is hard.

But it was for the grater good

I see/saw sea saw on a seesaw, with an icy saw

unless the glass is slippery

Whenever asked about this, he would boldly proclaim that he “was not throwing away his snot”.

He stabbed me with it and all I could think was damn, that cheddar is sharp.

Slap them and say "Here's your change"

Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!

Needless to say, he got sucker punched

At least the both have something "in" common.

Pretty sure he was plotting something...

“Dad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”

Police are reporting that it was Baskin-Robbins.

She said "yeah, but don't you think you should pick on someone your own size?"

She's definitely plotting something.

I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”

Beauty.

Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

I pleaded, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”