A hitman named Arti was so broke he took a job for $5 and strangled 2 people at the grocery store

The next day the newspaper read "Arti chokes two for $5 at the supermarket"

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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Why did the Hitman love his job?

Because he made a Killing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadManAlfie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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Somebody hired a hitman after me

He's a real pain in the ass

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EtelanVetela
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Apparently being a hitman is a great profession...

I hear they make a killing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaterRae94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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What do you call the ghost of a hitman?

A bounty haunter!

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πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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A mafia boss hired a hitman to take down a few pines in his front yard

The hitman asked: 'what do you want me to do after the job is done?' The mafia boss replied: 'I want you to go bury tree bodies.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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What do you call a mob hitman who only kills low-level drug dealer?

A weed whacker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivanthemute
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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Why didn't the hitman cancel his cable tv?

He didn't want to pay an early termination fee.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/warpedddd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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What do you call the diary of a Hitman?

A bullet journal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skoomable
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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nice idea for a new Hitman game
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvilMurloc22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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I’ve been considering changing professions to become a hitman recently.

I hear they make a killing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrumSpace
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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Did you hear that the discount hitman, Arthur, struck again at Safeway?

Yep. The headline read β€œArty chokes two for a dollar at local supermarket!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ETwasMyFriend
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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Did you hear about the new hitman business?

It's making a killing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whamwastaken
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2015
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What do you get if you cross a hitman and a scot?

Kilt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_moseby
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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A hitman dog

A hitman dog walks up to a cat. The dog says to the cat. Meows your time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuesoIsHere
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2016
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I'm thinking of becoming a hitman.

I hear those people make a killing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2016
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Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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My daughter caught me reading one of those coupon newsletters they send from the local grocery store...

Her: "Why are you reading junk mail?"

Me: "It's not, they have real news in here too."

Her: "No they don't...."

Me: "They sure do. I was just reading about a hitman who killed 3 people. He must not have liked them much, because he did it for only $1."

Her: "Nuh-uh, you're totally lying!"

Me: "Nope, looks like the hitman was named was Arty. He choked them to death apparently. "

Her: "Let me see..."

So I showed her the section I was reading:

ARTICHOKES 3 FOR $1

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tjohn184
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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The inventor of the "knock knock" joke should receive a "No-Bell" prize
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZangeonS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
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I'd kill for a job

As a Hitman....

I got bored at work this morning and thought of this one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pootis__Spencer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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Old joke that has stuck with me

So there was this hitman named Arti, renown for his very affordable prices. One day, he gets 3 contracts. He follows them around, keeping track of their daily habits, and finds that each of them go to the the grocery store after work at the same time.

Planning to get all 3 at once, he makes him move and like always, was extremely successful.

The next day, the headlines read, "Arti Chokes 3 for a dollar at Safeway"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluefootedpig
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2015
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Watching TV with my wife when...

...Will Sasso's character got killed by a hitman.

I turned to her and said, "He just got assassonated."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamBenAffleck
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2014
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