Hesitating Puns

so he yanked out his side mirrors because he didn't want to look back.

She didn't want bigotry to be normalized.

“I’ve tea’d myself!”

Proud hubby here!

I told him that all it takes is... APUSH. (AP U.S History) Sorry if this wasn’t as funny as it sounded in my head.

people always said that they could see right through him!

May end up being a Miss Steak...

I said, “Well? 2B or not 2B?”

They're interested in developing one, but can't stop focusing on all the negatives.

It was a slice of Life.

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

I yelled, "Good guess!"

You just witnessed a kid-napping

Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"

"Yes you are"

She was cool without it.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

“Look at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. “Earth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

“A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. “Let us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

“I see”, said the student. “It’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

“That’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. “You just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

“Isn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

“Ahm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. “Oh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

“So you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, “Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. “And he”, he said, turning to his students, “is clearly the gradi

Because he always Rex them.

Teacher: “So I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”

The teacher has everyone turn their body over

Teacher: “Now I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”

all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first

Teacher: “Okay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”

The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked

As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, “now see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.

With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz

My father is having ankle problems lately and he was trying to describe to me where it hurts and how it felt.

Dad: It feels really sore around my ankle and comes down to my Achilles. It only hurts off and on though.

Me: Well have you tried an ice pack? Maybe you need to wrap it.

Dad: Yo Yo Yo! My ankle is killing me. Word out, son!

"How am I samosa know?"

But I'm starting to like it you know. It's really growing on me.

But he hesitated.

For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max

During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”

I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.

And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”

True story. Wife was cooking dinner and says you know what's odd?

With out hesitation I say: the number 7?

Never did find out what else was odd

Dad: So where do you want to go to eat tonight? Me: I have nowhere specific in mind. Dad: Well I guess we will have to go Atlantic than.

He was worried about capsizing.

But he hesitated.

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.

One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, “one ship off the port side!” Immediately the captain yells at his crew, “Men! Bring me my red shirt!”

Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!

The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they don’t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.

A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, “Two ships off the port side!” Quickly the captain screams, “Men! Bring me my red shirt!” The crew doesn’t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!

The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, “Why do you always have us bring you your red shirt?”

The captain replies, “Well men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like I’m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.”

The men can’t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!

Two seconds later, “TWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!”

Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, “Men, bring me my brown pants.”

Without hesitating, I respond, "You know, that's knot in a cord with what most people call good manners."

ME: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance?

DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [...dies]

i work at a liquor store. i was stabbing the plastic top of a case of tall boys open with a boxcutter (with GUSTO & PANACHE) and one of my regulars came in , saw me, and asked

"jeez, what are you tryna do, kill em?" & i said without hesitation

"well you cant drink them while theyre still alive,"

Without hesitation my wife said, "that's unfortunate"

Hey all. I work at a place that sells medieval and Renaissance themed clothing, weapons, and armour. We are beginning to sell snacks in the breakroom for employees (sans vending machine) and I want to call the "shop" something silly/ridiculous. Ye Olde Snack Shack just won't cut it, I want a good pun in there. Don't hesitate to use fantasy inspired ideas either. I wanted to go with The Dragon's Hoard, but would rather have something funny as well!

to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.

The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.

Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down the reality TV star, but Harrison was adamant telling Mr. Pooh, "If Chu wished to pawn the star, makes no difference who you are"

this happened a few years ago. It's about my dad and something my dad would have laughed hard at.

phone rings I pick up

me: Hello

TeleMarketer: Hello is Mr ThrashandBurn's Dad available?

Me: ahhhh no he isn't

TM: do you know a better way to reach him?

with out hesitation

ME: Not unless you got a shovel.

I could hear him holding back his laugh wile trying to give his condolences.

So my mom asked my dad about a family friend who is having a baby, she asked what his name was gunna be and after some mild mom research she figures out his name is Finley. Without hesitation my dad says “well, at least he’s going to be a hell of a swimmer” and I’ll be damned if I didn’t look at him and giggle a tad.

This morning, a local radio station had trivia going on, in which the first correct caller would win a free dozen donuts at a local store.

Radio DJ: 20% of Americans have one of these in their home, and despite not working, have no plans of fixing them. First caller, you're up!

Dad: (without hesitation) Hello, I have the answer, I'm ready for the donuts!

Radio DJ: (laughs) What is the answer?

Dad: Teenagers!

Radio DJ: Next caller, you're up!

I was at a restaurant with a friend and my girlfriend yesterday for an early dinner and we started discussing the difficulties of being a teacher. My friend then said "i just don't have the patience to be a teacher." I hesitated for a second, out of cowardice, but then replied with "teachers have students, not patients." There were lots of cringes. My girlfriend actually laughed and then said aloud that she hated herself for doing so. I think she's a keeper. :)

So the topic of nicknames came up in a conversation and we ended up on how the most common nickname for Richard is “Dick”. Naturally, someone asked, “How do you get Dick from Richard?” And without hesitation I responded, “You ask him nicely.”

Just thought I’d let you all know I’ve made it in life.

You just witnessed a kid-napping

But he hesitated.

😛

But then he hesitated

But then he hesitated.

But he hesitated