Today, I asked who left their cold-smoked herrings on the ground at the market but no one answered.

Well, finders kippers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wilackan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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I was urchin to keep scrolling down this thread, but you sea, I kept herring that the puns got more and more carp. v.redd.it/ypd18apxdu531
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CREEPONATER
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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If you're looking for a specific Red Herring, how do you know if you've got the right one?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smallnorth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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I got home from work and sat down for dinner with my parents. "Wow, haddock for dinner?"

Dad responds "So I take it you haddock-good day?"

(Note: This actually happened today.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Umikaloo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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Some fish are so deaf,

They rely on Herring aids

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Escalade1414
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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What do fisherman use when they go deaf?

Herring aids!

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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I cod have died
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mairiphinc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2017
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I knew I should have skipped the seafood

Now I'm feeling a little eel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/V-Tac
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
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A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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My friend must have been deafened by all the noise at the fish market...

You had to yell when you spoke to him; he was hard of herring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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How do fishermen listen to music?

Bass boosted

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πŸ‘€︎ u/30847192
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2017
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The chef is deaf and out of fish!

I can confirm he has a herring problem

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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What does a fish wear to better understand you?

A herring aid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/figarojew
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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What did Draco Malfoy say when he turned into a fish?

My father will be herring about this

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weetabix_gryphon
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
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My girlfriend dyed her hair red, saying shes a blonde in disguise.

I responded, "ah so you're a red herring"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirSurreal55
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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I thought the communist fish left at the scene would be the clue that cracked open the case.

But it was just a red herring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smithaustin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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Why did the bald man put fish oil on his head?

Because he thought it would make his herring grease.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arbaminim
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
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A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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TIL that Swedish Fish are actually shaped like Sweden, not fish.

Yeah, it turns out the fish part is a red herring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeonNytrox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
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Why fish don’t have planning commissions?

They hate public herrings.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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Why is the ocean so salty?

It's full of herring.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2017
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I was led to believe a kipper was a species of fish...

... but it turns out that was a dead herring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeckari
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2017
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My mate told me about his secret spot to catch the most amazing fish.

It was a red herring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2017
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Did you hear that Beethoven hated fish?

He was particularly hard on herring.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2016
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Armenian riddles are all basically dad jokes

"What is green, hanging on a wall and squealing?"

Answer: "A herring." Why is the herring green? "Well, it's my herring, I painted it as I pleased." But why is it hanging on the wall? "It's my herring, I can hang it anywhere I wish." But why is the herring squealing? "I added squealing to make it harder to solve my riddle."

http://talkreason.org/marperak/jokes/armenrad.htm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whythecynic
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2015
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